Hold Your Light
by evilkatz
Summary: Can Duo help Heero and Trowa deal with the aftermath of a mission gone wrong? Post EW. Yaoi-shonen ai.
1. Default Chapter

Parings: 23 (mention of past 2x3), Ocx3, possible 1x2x3?  
  
Warnings: This one is gonna be dark kids. There will be physical and psychological torture, NCS, and angst by the bucket loads. With some yaoi/shonen ai thrown in. So, if you don't like then don't read. If you do read and you like please let me know.  
  
Summary: Takes place 3 years after EW. Duo, Heero, and Trowa work together as Preventers. After a mission goes bad, Duo tries to help the other two put the pieces back together.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own and will unfortunately never own Gundam Wing nor will I make any money doing this.

* * *

Hold Your Light Chapter 1  
  
Hold you light, hold your light, Hold your light where I can see....  
"jimmy" -Tool

* * *

I can't sleep. No matter how hard I try or how exhausted I am I can't seem to relax enough to fall asleep. I could try sleeping pills but I find it's too hard to wake up from them and I need to be alert in case Trowa needs me. He'll never admit that though, at least not out loud, and certainly not to me.  
  
I roll onto my side and glance at the digital clock next to my bed. The bright red numbers tell me that it is 2:37 A.M. Exactly 17 minutes since the last time I looked. Two hours and 43 minutes since I first attempted to fall asleep. At least 12 hours since my last decent meal. 18 hours since Heero and I brought Trowa home from the infirmary. 96 hours since the backup team and myself pulled Heero and Trowa out of that...that room.  
  
My mind keeps going over our last mission, which is probably why I can't get relaxed. That fucking mission. In the span of 48 hours everything went to hell. It had to be hell. One look at the cell where my two best friends had been held you knew that it was hell. One look at my friends you knew that hell was without a doubt what they had been subjected to. Heero came through relatively unscathed physically. Bumps and bruises are nothing for the Great Heero Yuy. Emotionally I'm not so sure. He's not talking either. Trowa, on the other hand was not so lucky. The guards roughed him up pretty bad before the real torture started. They busted two of his ribs, broke his wrist, and worked over his face pretty good. One eye, one beautiful emerald eye, is still swollen shut. But that's not the worst of it. I don't know exactly what happened in that room but all the evidence points to sexual assault. God, just thinking about what could have happened in that room makes my stomach flip.  
  
I turn over again on my bed to lie on my back fighting the building nausea and the tears. It's been forever since I spent an entire night in my room alone. I usually sleep in Trowa's bed with him. Some nights it was just a comfort to have another warm body next to you. Some nights that was not enough for either of us and we found the comfort we sought with each other's bodies. No strings attached and no promises to be broken and we both liked it that way.  
  
I try to let my mind drift to happier times but the silence of the house is broken by a scream. It's a scream I'm becoming all too familiar with lately. I'm out of my bed before my brain has a chance to catch up. I dash into the hallway and skid to a halt. Standing in front of Trowa's closed door is Heero. He, like me is dressed in nighttime apparel consisting of a T-shirt and boxers. His arm is raised as if to turn the door handle but frozen.  
  
He is staring at the handle with a strange intensity almost like he is unsure of how the mechanism works. He hasn't acknowledged my presence yet. That says a lot about Heero's current mindset. He looks almost confused, like a lost child. In this dim light with his hair mussed from sleep he looks way younger than our nineteen years. I can't wait for him to make up his mind so I walk up to him. He turns to face me suddenly as if I startled him.  
  
"Oh, Duo you're here. I heard him call out so I came to check on him," He says quietly. If I weren't in a rush to get into that room to check on Trowa I would have given thought to how strange it was for Heero to say something like that. Under normal circumstances he would have been in that room long before me. But the current circumstances are hardly normal.  
  
"Yeah, me too so why don't we go in and see what's going on," I reply. My voice is soft like I'm speaking to a child. I gently push past him and knock on the door. I keep the knock soft so that I don't scare Trowa.  
  
"Trowa? It's me. I'm coming in." I announce before I turn the handle and push the door in. Heero is right behind me close enough to be my shadow. I take a few steps into the dark room. From the moonlight streaming in through the bedroom window and the light from the hallway I can see Trowa sitting up on his bed. He has his back to us and his legs are dangling off the side of the bed. He is bent forward with one arm resting on his thigh, one hand covering his face and the other arm wrapped around his side. I can hear his erratic breathing from the doorway. Breathing that hard must be incredibly painful with his broken ribs.  
  
I walk over to him and place a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Are you alright?" I ask. Trowa immediately pulls back and away from my touch.  
  
"Don't touch me!"  
  
It's not quite a yell but in this quiet room his voice is booming. I look to his face and see that his undamaged eye is wide with panic. I pull my hands back as if they were burned and suddenly I'm unsure what to do. He is breathing harder now and I'm sure the sudden motion has caused him further pain. There is silence for a couple of moments. I hear a light shuffle and look up to see Heero still standing in the doorway. He gives me a questioning look. I know right away what he is asking. What's wrong? What can I do to make it better? I mouth the words "I don't know" back to him. That is the truth. I have no idea how to rectify this situation.  
  
After a few moments I sit on the bed next to Trowa making sure not to touch him but I'm close enough in case he changes his mind. I hear him sigh heavily.  
  
"I'm okay.....just don't touch me," Trowa's soft baritone is barely above a whisper. I nod my head in affirmation though I doubt Trowa can see it. He has his head so far down that his chin is touching his chest and his long auburn bangs are covering his face. God, this is so frustrating. I just want to reach out, grab him and hold him close. I want to be able to tell him that everything will be all right. But I know that everything is pretty fucking far from all right. In fact, we are so far from it that the light from all right will take a thousand years to reach us.  
  
"Trowa?" I start as gently as I can. "Is there anything you need?" He shakes his head in the negative. He does not look at me. He hasn't looked me in the eye unless it was absolutely necessary for the past 2 days. He's hiding from me. I know he is. He is too ashamed and stubborn to let me help him or admit that he needs help. It makes me almost want to smack him upside the head until he realizes that this is not a weakness.  
  
"Do you require any pain medication?" Heero's voice nearly echoes in the sparsely decorated room. Trowa visibly jumps at the sound of it. I pretend to ignore this but look to Trowa for an answer. Again, he shakes his head no. If I think he is hiding from me he is doing everything in his power to downright avoid Heero. At least I get a few words here and there. I don't think he has spoken to Heero since they were rescued.  
  
I wish I knew what the hell happened to both of them beyond the watered down version of events in Heero's mission report. Trowa was debriefed before we left the infirmary but no official report has been submitted yet. The two of them seem incredibly unwilling to speak to me about it and I don't want to push them. Well, not yet anyway.  
  
"Heero, why don't you go back to bed, I can take it from here." I turn to look at Heero backlit in the doorway. He hesitates for a moment then gives me a curt nod in the affirmative and turns and walks down the hall to his room. When I hear the quiet click of his door closing I turn back to Trowa.  
  
"Look, Tro, I'm not gonna touch you or do anything that you don't want me to but I want to help you. Please let me help you." I'm practically begging but I don't care. I lov- care for him far too much to not push him a little.  
  
"You can't help me Duo, not with this, "He answers. Trowa's voice sounds so small and defeated. It's killing me to hear it. My chest is aching so bad my heart feels like its about to burst. I can only imagine what he is feeling is a hundred times worse.  
  
"Tro, don't push me away. I'll give you however much space you need and all the support I can offer but don't push me- us away." Trowa doesn't say anything he just stares down at his feet. I reach out tentatively and take hold of his hand. There is a slight flinch but he doesn't pull away. I relax a little. "Look at me, Trowa," I say.  
  
Trowa slowly raises his head and turns to face me. I'm thrilled that he is complying though I try to maintain my cool. When he is finally faces me I can see the wet trails streaming down his face. Trowa is not one to cry. I can count on one hand the times he has shed any tears in my presence in the five years that I have known him. God, he must be completely devastated.  
  
"You're right," I begin softly. "I can't help you with this. I can't tell you some magic words that are going to make everything all better. Believe it or not I don't have all the answers and neither does Heero or Une or anyone else." Trowa cringes slightly at the mention of Heero and once again I ignore this reaction. There is time for me to sort that issue out later. "But just because I can't possibly fathom what you're feeling doesn't mean that I can't be supportive. What happened doesn't change the way I feel about you in any way." He is holding my gaze steady through my little speech but lowers his eyes at that last comment.  
  
"Duo, I....I don't think I can........," Trowa begins but does not continue. I wait a few seconds to see if he is going to add anything to that statement.  
  
"I think you're underestimating yourself, "I say. Trowa opens his mouth to disagree but I put a finger to his mouth to silence him. "Let's not talk about this now. Let's get you back into bed. We can figure everything out in the morning. Okay?" Trowa looks perplexed for a moment but eventually nods in agreement. I help him lie back down on his side; his back is in pretty bad shape still and I pull the covers over him. I feel like I'm tucking in a little kid. I resist the urge to lean down place a kiss on his forehead so I opt for rubbing his shoulder gently.  
  
"Comfy?" I ask when he is all settled in and he shakes his head. "Are you in any pain? Do you want to take something?" I ask. I'm almost surprised when he answers me.  
  
"No, I don't like the pills. They make my head feel fuzzy and I want to stay coherent," He states. I can't argue with that. I hate the out of control feeling you get from being drugged up to the gills but I also can't stand to see him suffering. Though, when it comes to suffering in silence I don't know who is worse Trowa or Heero.  
  
"That's most likely the concussion, babe," I say, the pet name rolls off my tongue before I can stop it. I wince in expectation of Trowa's reaction. To my surprise he only yawns.  
"Yeah, you're probably right," He replies sleepily as he settles into the pillows a little more. I can hear his breathing begin to even out as his body relaxes.  
  
"Alright then. I'll be right across the hall if you need anything," I say but I don't think he hears me. Trowa is already out cold. This time I do not fight the urge and lean down and press my lips to his forehead. I linger over his sleeping form for a few moments before I leave and close the door behind me.  
  
By the time I reach my room the tears are streaming down my face. Once inside I close the door and lean against it. My knees buckle and I slide down until I'm seated on the floor, sobbing. It's been a long time since I've cried like this over someone. It's not just Trowa that has me like this but Heero as well. I cannot recall another when I have seen his so.......rattled. It scares me that his usual steely determination is failing him. What the hell really happened in that room?  
  
So, I sit here and cry. I cry for Trowa and the amount of pain he is in and the pain he will still suffer long from now. I cry for Heero because he has to feel as lost and as insignificant as I do right now. And lastly I cry for me because how the hell am I, the perpetual comic relief, supposed to help my two best friends deal with this?  
  
TBC......... 


	2. 2

Hold Your Light – Chapter 2  
  
I'm a riddle so strong, you can't break me "Rain When I Die" -Alice in Chains

* * *

I'm dreaming about the mission again. Only this time I am running down that long corridor in complete silence. I am still dodging gun fire and returning some of my own but my weapon does not make a sound. I look around to the faces of my team and can see their mouths moving but I cannot hear their voices. It is as if some on has turned the volume down but left the picture running.   
  
The dream changes then and I am suddenly alone in that hallway. I am still running towards my destination, the door all the way at the end. In reality that door had been heavily guarded and I lost three men in the rescue but in my dream I am alone and that corridor seems so much longer. As I run, my footsteps echo off the walls and the sound of my breath is deafening in my ears. I am running as fast as I possibly can but the door gets further away from me the closer I get to it. Try harder. I tell myself. Run faster. But I cannot seem to make any ground. Even though I am running as hard as I can I feel like I'm moving in slow-motion.   
  
Then, finally I am there.  
  
Just like that night I blast the control panel with my rifle not even bothering to attempt to hack the code-key. The heavy metal door slides open and I am met with a gruesome sight. The room inside was brightly lit, too bright almost clinical. There was a metal table in the center of the room and a wall of cabinets to the left. There were several metal trays set up around the table upon which were some of the cruelest devices I have ever seen. As I step farther into the room my attention is drawn to movement out of the corner of my eye. What I turn to face has my heart leap into my throat.  
  
Huddled in the corner is a half naked Heero clad only his cargo pants cradling a very naked and unconscious Trowa. They are both covered in blood. Heero's arms are covered up to the elbow with it. Around his wrists are metal cuffs with a small length of chain still dangling from them. I glance up to the wall directly behind them. There are two iron rings bolted into the wall. I notice grimly that there are a few links of chain still attached there as well and my stomach turns with the realization. In order to free himself Heero literally broke the chains that were holding him back with his bare hands.   
  
I step closer to my two friends. Heero does not look up at me or acknowledge my presence in any way. He instead clutches Trowa closer to him. He is slowly rocking Trowa back and forth like a baby. I can hear a voice. It is like a low rumble and too faint for me to discern any words. I continue my approach and as soon as I am in front of the two I drop slowly down to one knee. I can hear the voice clearer now. It is Heero.  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," He keeps saying over and over like a mantra. Sorry? What is he sorry for? I look to Trowa. He is dangerously pale. The blood covering the two of them and dripping down onto the floor must be his. We need to get him out of here.   
  
"Heero?" I say as I put a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. He immediately stops his rocking and his entire body goes taught. He then lifts his head sharply. My eyes meet his and what stares back at me is no one I recognize. His blue eyes are wild with rage and fury. The corner of his mouth twists into a frighteningly feral smile.   
  
I awake with a start. My heart is pounding in my chest and it takes a few seconds for my breathing to regulate. My body feels incredible stiff and uncomfortable. When I open my eyes I realize why. I am still sitting on the floor with my back against my bedroom door. Great, just great. Well, I think I have hit a new emotional low. I managed to cry myself to sleep in the most painful position my exhausted body could come up with. With a sigh I rise to my feet. Every muscle in my body protests the movement. I look over to the clock on my nightstand. It flashes the time, 8:27 A.M. Normally this is hours before I would get up but it's no use I know I'm not going to get any more rest.  
  
A hot shower and a cup of coffee in that order sound fantastic to me at this moment. I move over to my dresser, pull out a pair of clean boxers and make my way to the bathroom down the hall. I notice that the door to Heero's room is open signaling that he is not currently there. I shrug to no one in particular. Heero is an early riser perhaps he is downstairs making himself breakfast. Without giving that any further thought I go into the bathroom and turn the water on in the shower.  
  
As I am about to step into the shower stall I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Instantly I regret doing such. My eyes are all puffy and red from my earlier breakdown and I can see the dark lines of exhaustion underneath them. My braid has come undone for the most part and sweat has caused my bangs to stick to my forehead.  
  
"You're a mess, Maxwell," I say back to my reflection. "A real fucking mess."  
  
I pull my hand through my hair to undo what was left of my braid and step under the water. I pour and generous amount of shampoo into my palm and work it into my insanely long hair. I scrub at my scalp and my eyes close at the calming sensation. My mind begins to wander back to my dream.   
  
Some parts of my dream were exactly how they happened in reality but others were just slightly different. Like the blood. In my dream only Trowa and Heero were covered in or surrounded by blood. When I actually burst into that room there was blood everywhere. The floor, the metal table, even the walls were awash with it. I remember my first though upon seeing it was that no one could be alive after loosing so much blood. I was right in a sense. The person I would later discover was Trowa and Heero's torturer did not leave that room alive. I didn't notice the body right away; my focus was initially on my two friends. As I waited for the medical team I glanced around the room and spotted the crumpled form stuffed into the far corner.  
  
The memory of that discovery sends a shudder down my back even though the water I am currently under is near scalding. When I was finally able to make my way over to the body I could see that whoever it was did not die and easy death. In fact, it looked as if he was torn apart by animals. I feel the bile rise in my throat and before I know what hits me my body is racked with dry heaves. I put an arm out to steady myself against the cool tiles of the shower stall. Get a grip on yourself, Maxwell! I scold myself. This line of thinking is not going to get me anywhere. I need to talk to Heero. Once I get all the facts I can come up with some sort of strategy for helping my friends over come this.  
  
What happened to them? What could possibly be the reason that Heero was apologizing to Trowa? I don't like not having the answers. I especially hate not being able to help my friends. I am far too impatient to let them take their sweet-ass time with this. If I leave things up to them nothing will happen. Heero will throw himself into the next mission that becomes available and Trowa will bury this as deep as he possibly can. Just like he does with anything else he can't deal with emotionally. Two peas in a fucking pod if you ask me. Well, I'm not going to let them.   
  
I finish my shower and make quick work of drying and re-braiding my hair. I stop off in my room to pull on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. I can hear faint noises coming from downstairs proving my earlier suspicions that Heero is puttering around down there. On my way down I stop off at Trowa's room and peak my head in. He is still asleep and I duck back out so that I don't wake him.   
  
I find Heero in the kitchen seated at the table drinking a cup of coffee and reading a newspaper as if this were just a normal day. I nod my head in greeting to him as I walk over to the coffee maker. He nods back and returns his gaze back to the paper. I take a seat across from him at the table and take the first sip from my mug. The coffee has no taste and I don't really care. I reach into the pocket of my T-shirt and pull of my pack of cigarettes and lighter. I should probably eat something I muse while I light up.   
  
"I thought you said you were quitting," Heero says from behind the paper.  
  
"Yeah, well I'm finding it pretty hard under the current circumstances," I reply. Heero gives a snort of derision and continues to read. I occupy myself with my cigarette for a few minutes since Heero is being his usual talkative self. The sound of the newspaper rustling draws my attention back to the silent man seated across form me. My eyes follow his hand and the white bandages around his wrists as he turns a page.  
  
"Do they bother you much?" I ask.  
  
"They itch." Heero knows what I'm talking about even though I'm not specific.   
  
"They're healing," I offer. Heero does not respond. I sigh for no particular reason. "He was still asleep when I checked just now. I'm going to have to wake him up soon to give him his medication."  
  
"We should try and get him to sleep as much as possible for another day of two. After that we need to get him up and moving."  
  
"He told me last night that he doesn't want to take the pain medication the doctor prescribed for him."  
  
"Hn, why am I not surprised? We also need to change the dressings on his back today."  
  
"Yeah, maybe you can take care of that," I say somewhat dejectedly. To my surprise Heero lowers his eyes.  
  
"I don't think he'd like that too much," he says sheepishly. This takes me by surprise because Heero doesn't do sheepish.   
  
"Yeah, since you brought that up. What is the deal? He's avoiding you. When ever you're in the same room it's almost like he's frightened of you. Care to explain?" He looks at me with this surprised face. I guess he wasn't expecting that or at least not so soon. Heero carefully folds the paper and sets it down on the table.  
  
"I don't think he's scared of me. I think he's more ashamed then anything," he says. That was not the answer I was expecting.  
  
"Ashamed? How so?" Heero sighs and leans down onto his elbows. He seems very weary all of a sudden.  
  
"You forget Duo, I was there. I saw everything. I guess he feels he can't face me because of it." Heero recognizes the disagreeing look I must have on my face. "Give him sometime to get comfortable with the idea. He's going to need you now more than ever."  
  
"Us, Heero. Trowa is going to need both of us." I say.   
  
"He'll need you more. You're closer to him than I am. I mean you're lovers after all," Heero says nonchalantly. I happened to be taking a sip of my coffee when he says that and nearly spray it across the table. I, of course, then inhale it and choke miserably for a few seconds.  
  
"What?….How…..how long have you known?" I ask. He shrugs his shoulders.  
  
"A few months I guess. The two of you aren't as quiet as you think." I feel my cheeks burn at that comment.   
  
"Heero, it's not quite what you think. True, we are…were…argh…sleeping together but there was no relationship. I guess you could say it was just sexual." Heero stares at me for a few moments. He gaze is hard and calculating. I feel very uncomfortable under the weight of it.  
  
"Bullshit," he says after a few minutes.  
  
"Excuse me?" I ask.  
  
"That's bullshit and you know it Duo. You expect me to believe that you don't feel anything towards Trowa and that he feels nothing towards you?"  
  
"Well, no but it's complicated, Heero. I don't expect you to understand and I'm not sure I can explain it properly. I do care for him very much but….I …" I can't continue. How do I explain to someone what I don't fully understand myself?  
  
"Then you had better start figuring things out, Duo. With everything he has been through he needs someone and I think he will reach out to you more than he will me," Heero says as he gets up from the table.  
  
"What has he been through? Please Heero tell me," I say to his back. He stops in the kitchen doorway and turns back to face me.  
  
"You know what happened you saw it for yourself."  
  
"Yes, I know the sequence of events and I know what physically transpired but there is so much the two of you are leaving out. Please tell me. Let me help you. Let go of whatever you're keeping inside."  
  
"Not yet. I'm still coming to terms with things myself," Heero says. I am about to argue but a raised hand from Heero silences me. "Give me some time," he continues," I promise I will tell you all I can. I just need to sort out some things alone first."  
  
"Okay, sure," I say. I know he is a man of his word. Whenever he is ready he will come to me.  
  
"There is one thing I think you should know. I believe it will help you help Trowa. Though, he might be angry with me if he finds out I am the one who told you."  
  
"Christ, Yuy! Just tell me already."   
  
"This was not the first time that this has happened to him," Heero says and then calmly turns around and walks out the door.  
  
TBC………..  
  
Feedback is always appreciated. 


	3. 3

Hold Your Light- Chapter 3

* * *

_And yet I fight this battle all alone  
  
No one to cry to  
  
No place to call home  
_  
"Nutshell" – Alice in Chains

* * *

"_This was not the first time that this has happened to him."_  
  
I feel my heart freeze at Heero's words. Literally feel like I had just been punched in the chest.   
  
"Wait! What……." I try to get my mouth to form the words but my jaw seems to open and close like a fish out of water. Heero does not stop in his exit from the kitchen. With my mind reeling, I bolt from my seat so fast that it topples over with a loud clatter.   
  
I catch up with Heero in the foyer as he is pulling on his jacket. I grab him by the elbow and spin him around to face me.  
  
"Wait just a goddamned second, "I practically yell in his face. "You can't just drop a bomb like that and leave without an explanation. What do you mean this has happened before? When?" Heero jerks his arm out of my grasp.  
  
"It's not my place to say," Heero replies.   
  
"Not you're place to say," I repeat incredulously. "Then what the hell was the point of telling me?" Oh, I'm pissed now. I feel my blood pressure rising.   
  
"I thought it would help."  
  
"And what, I was supposed to take that information and be all okay with it? You didn't think I would question it in any way?"  
  
"No, Duo I knew you would question it. I figured you would realize that not everything about what happened should come from me." Heero has closed the distance between us with that last statement. We are now standing nose to nose. I instinctively back up until my back hits the wall. He has an accusatory finger poking into my chest. "I told you because we need to make sure he deals with this properly. Ask yourself this, Duo. In all the time that you have known Trowa have you ever suspected that he may have been raped?"  
  
I shudder at that word. Rape, such a little word yet so horrible at the same time. Heero backs off a bit and is close but no longer in my face. I think about his question for a moment. I can recall times when Trowa seemed very uncomfortable with physical contact. Quatre once hugged him by surprise and I remember thinking that he looked ready to faint. A few months ago Heero and I managed to drag him to the beach and he had refused to take his shirt off. He claimed he was prone to sunburn. Then there were the times when we slept together I did notice the scars on his back but I didn't say anything because we all have our own scars. Occupational hazard. I never thought there was anything wrong with Trowa during our love making. Trowa was an amazing and attentive lover. He never gave the impression that he was uncomfortable in any way. These were just coincidences or pet peeves, right?   
  
"I- uh, well no. He never gave any indication to me. I mean, he had nightmares sometimes but we all do," I say.   
  
"That is the reason why I told you," Heero snaps at me. "He did such a good job of hiding himself from us and I want to be sure that it doesn't happen again."  
  
Hiding himself? Yes, that was the one thing that Trowa did best, always hiding behind that emotionless mask of his. It was impossible to know what he was feeling unless he wanted you to know. I sigh heavily and lean back against the wall, needing its strength to hold me upright.   
  
"God, you're right. If we let him he'll just bury this won't he?" I say. Heero nods in agreement. It's far too early in the morning to be dealing with this. Though, I can't think of a time that would be good for dealing with this.   
  
"Where are you going?" I ask, suddenly remembering that I had stopped Heero from leaving.   
  
"I have to go in to Headquarters for a while," Heero says.  
  
"Should I even bother to ask?" I say as I cross my arms in mock annoyance. Heero laughs softly at my pout.  
  
"No, but I'll be back soon and then we can talk all about it." He gives me or at least tries to give me a reassuring smile. I give him a weary one in return. No further words are exchanged as Heero leaves and closes the front door behind him.  
  
I remain in the foyer for a few moments before I make my way back into the kitchen. I upright the chair I knocked over earlier and sit down heavily on it. I cross my arms on the table and lean forward until my face is hidden. I shake my head in denial. How could I not have known that this has happened before? Was I that scared of being in an actual relationship that I let myself be blinded to the fact that Trowa had his own problems? This whole situation is getting worse instead of better. I don't think I can help them. I don't think I'm strong enough.  
  
I take a cigarette out of the pack I left on the table and light it. When I take the first long drag I realize that my hand is shaking. Relax, Duo. You can do this. You just need to put your game face on and deal with this the same way you always do. I take a deep, cleansing breath and feel the knots in my stomach loosen. I fought a freekin war before. I can do it again. The rules are just a little different this time and they enemy is more elusive.  
  
There is no sense in me wallowing in this any longer. I take a final drag off my cigarette and throw the butt into my coffee mug. Time to get to work. Trowa needs to take his meds and should probably eat something. I pause for a second when I can't remember the last time he has eaten. He was on intravenous fluids while in the infirmary and was pretty much unconscious when Heero and I brought him home yesterday morning. He probably has not had a decent meal since before the mission. Well, I'll see how he is feeling and then take it from there.  
  
I grab a glass from the cabinet and fill it with water and grab the bottle of pills from the table on my way by. When I reach Trowa's bedroom I knock softly before I open the door. I am surprised to see that not only is Trowa awake but he is sitting up on the bed and attempting to stand.   
  
"Hey, do you want any help?" I ask. I figure it's better to ask rather than running up to him and grabbing him. He is traumatized enough and would probably take my help as an act of aggression. He looks up at me and I smile at the pair of emerald eyes that greet me. The swelling has gone down enough for Trowa to be able to open his injured eye.   
  
"I think I can manage." Trowa says softly. I don't detect any fear or shame in his voice just determination. I watch in amazement as he gets himself onto his feet albeit a little shaky. His arm with the brace around his broken wrist is wrapped around his torso holding his bruised and broken ribs. His good hand is outstretched as his takes his first cautious step. I see him sway slightly and rush to his side as his knees begin to buckle. I practically slam the glass of water and the bottle of pills down onto his dresser in order to catch Trowa before he crumbles to the floor.   
  
I catch him by locking my arms under his arms pits and slowly lower him the rest of the way down to the floor. We sit there for a moment and I silently curse myself. I probably just wrenched his broken body. He must be in too much pain to talk.  
  
"Are you alright?" I ask.   
  
"Yeah, just a little dizzy," He replies. "Guess I'm worse off than I initially thought. What brings you in here so early? You don't usually get up until noon."   
  
"Yeah, well I was bringing the antibiotics the doctor prescribed for you. You need to take them twice a day. The more important question is where are you trying to go?" Trowa gives me a half-hearted chuckle.  
  
"Well, I was attempting to make it to the bathroom. Nature calls." Trowa seems in an almost good mood. This was not the person who was in this bed last night. Maybe Trowa is stronger than we realize. Maybe we really can get past all this. Maybe this is the first stage of him burying his emotions.  
  
"Then I guess it was good that I showed up when I did. Here, let me help," I say as I offer both of my hands to him. He takes hold of my right arm and I reach around his back with my left so that I can pull him to his feet. Once I get him standing I let him drape his broken arm over my shoulders and half support his weight with my back. I try to be as gentle on his ribs as possible.   
  
We take our first step together and I hear Trowa hiss behind his teeth. I ask him if he wants to stop or change positions to a more comfortable one. He shakes his head no so we continue. When we reach the bedroom door Trowa is already panting heavily. We move out into the hall and suddenly the corridor seems miles long. Step by torturous step we make our way to the bathroom.   
  
"Do you want me to come inside with you?" I ask when we finally reach our destination.   
  
"No Duo, I think I can manage this by myself," Trowa says with just a hint of sarcasm. I am once again surprised by his mirth considering he was a sobbing wreck a few hours ago. So, I let him cross the threshold by himself and lean against the wall to wait. After a few minutes I hear the toilet flush followed by some shuffling. There is a long period of silence and just when I am about to knock I hear water running in the sink and the soft sounds of Trowa brushing his teeth. Once the water is turned off the room is silent again. I have no clue what he's doing in there but there are no sounds of distress. There is silence for another long stretch of minutes.  
  
"Are you okay in there?" I ask but receive no answer. "Trowa?" Nothing but silence answers me. My mind starts running through all different types of scenarios, each one worse than the one before. Before I know it I'm bursting through the bathroom door expecting to have to stop a suicide attempt. But I find my attempts are unnecessary as I enter. Trowa is standing in front of the sink staring at his reflection in mirror. His hand is raised and his fingers are gingerly tracing the terrible bruising around his right eye.  
  
"They worked me over pretty good, huh?" He says to me without breaking his gaze. There is a faint trace of sadness in his voice. Whatever he has been feeling physically for the past three days probably pales in comparison to what he feels now that he sees firsthand the damaged dealt upon his person. I can only thank whatever higher powers there are that he hasn't seen what has been done to the rest of his body.  
  
"Yeah, but you're a lot tougher than you look. You'll be turning cart-wheels before you know it," I say trying to inject some levity into the situation. I walk over to him and slip his arm over my shoulder like before and tear him away from his reflection before he starts to get too morbid. We make our way back to his bedroom in silence. Once inside I help him sit on the bed. I grab the glass of water from the dresser and hand it to him. I then open the pill bottle and shake one into the palm of my hand. I'm surprised by the size of the pill.  
  
"Here, you go, Tro," I say as I hand him the pill. "Extra large and extra fun to swallow. I'll never know why antibiotics come in such large pills." He swallows the pill dutifully and hands me the glass when he's finished.   
  
"Are you hungry? Do you want to try and eat something?" I ask.  
  
"No, I'm not really hungry. I'm suddenly very tired," Trowa replies around a yawn.  
  
"I guess our little walk tuckered you out. Go back to sleep then. I'll wake you in an hour or two and we'll se if we can get you to eat something." I help him get back under the covers and tuck him in like I did earlier this morning. I smile down at him in spite of myself. I am about to step away from the side of the bed when Trowa snags me by the wrist.  
  
"Don't go," He says. My eyebrows shoot up in astonishment. "I mean….would you mind staying with me?" He quickly amends.   
  
"Sure," I say trying to keep the shock out of my voice. I make a move to walk over and pull the chair he has sitting in the corner of his room over to the bed. Trowa's grip tightens on my wrist.  
  
"No, I mean lie down with me. On the bed," He says. This time I can't hide it.  
  
"On the bed? Are you sure?"   
  
"Yes, I'm sure," He says. His voice is soft and his eyes are pleading. I can't deny him. He lets go of my wrist and moves backwards to make room for me. Heero's words come back to me at this moment. He will probably reach out to you more than he will me. Damn him for being right. I carefully slide into the bed and under the sheets next to Trowa. After I settle in he rests his head on my shoulder, drapes one arm across my chest and closes his eyes. For a moment I am paralyzed. This is starting to move outside the barriers we set as friends and lovers months ago. But I know he needs this and I should be grateful that he is willing to take any form of comfort in me.   
  
I begin to gently run my fingers through his hair and I feel him relax further into my shoulder. It's not long before my own eyelids feel heavy and I join Trowa in sleep. My final thought before drifting off is that I'm going to do the best that I can for my friends. I just hope that my best is good enough.  
  
TBC…………  
  



	4. 4

Hold Your Light- Chapter 4

* * *

_In my life, I'd not soften.  
  
Things that cut and burn so often.  
  
But I sit, think of something.  
  
Scared to face the dying nothing_.  
  
"It Ain't Like That"- Alice in Chains

* * *

Ever since this whole ordeal started I'm finding that my mind keeps wandering back to my childhood and my time served on L2. I say time served because anyone who has spent even the shortest length of time on that colony knows that it is a prison. So I'm laying here in bed drifting somewhere between deep sleep and wakefulness with an exhausted Trowa sprawled across me like a security blanket. Memories pass before my mind's eye like marchers in a parade. They pull me in; draw me deeper into the swirling chaos. The faces of the people who once cared for me, who I loved with a child's unconditional vigor, come into focus. Solo, Sister Helen, Father Maxwell, Maddie………..Oh, Maddie. I have not let myself think about her in so long.  
  
"Duo?"  
  
I miss you, Maddie. I hurts so bad to remember. I've tried my best to move on and live the life we used to dream about. We tried so hard, made so many sacrifices………  
  
"Duo, wake up."  
  
I open my eyes to find Trowa staring at me with a curious look on his face. He backs off as I sit up into a more reclined position. I wipe a hand across my face trying to chase the fog from my brain.  
  
"Who's Maddie?" Trowa asks.  
  
"Huh? Oh, she was a girl I knew when I was a kid. Why do you ask?"   
  
"You were talking in your sleep. You kept saying her name."  
  
"Really? Did I say anything else?" I'm suddenly frightened that I may have unconsciously let out some details of my life that I'd rather keep hidden. Trowa yawns and shrugs slightly.  
  
"Nothing that I could understand," He says. I have to keep myself from sighing in relief. I cover my discomfort by stretching and yawning rather loudly. I glance over at the clock on Trowa's nightstand, 11:45. Trowa and I have been napping for almost two hours.  
  
"Damn, we must have been tired," I say casually. I look over to Trowa who has lain back down on the pillow. "Are you hungry now?" Trowa slowly pulls himself up into a sitting position and curls one leg underneath him. He leans most of his weight on his good arm.  
  
"Yeah, I guess so. I still feel a little queasy," He replies.  
  
"Then I'll make you something light, like soup," I say and I throw the covers back and get out of the bed.   
  
"That sounds fine. I would like to take a shower afterwards," Trowa says as turns and lets his feet hang off the side of the bed. He runs and hand through his hair to smooth it down.   
  
"Sorry, no can do," I say. He whips his head around sharply to face me. I know what the question is before it can leave his lips. "Not until the stitches come out. The doctor said two more days. After that we can use that liquid skin stuff and then you'll be able to take a shower." He turns away from me again and stares down at the floor.  
  
"Oh," he says a little dismayed. I reach over and lift his face up with a gentle hand under his chin.  
  
"I know it's tough but you just need to stick it out for a few more days. If it will help any I can wash your hair in the sink," I suggest. There is a brief flash of something akin to joy in his eyes but he quickly subdues it.   
  
"That would be great. Thanks, Duo." We hold each other's gaze for a few moments more than one would normally do when speaking. I know that the fact that he has become dependent on others has to bother Trowa something awful. Its not that he is too proud to accept help it's just that he would rather not have to be reduced to a state that requires it. He is the first one to break eye contact.  
  
"I can still smell it," Trowa begins softly. "It's in my nose every time I breathe. That place……it's in my hair, my skin. I just want to be rid of it." He begins to shiver.  
  
"O-okay. Come on. Let's get you cleaned up and then we'll get you something to eat," I say as I offer him my hand to steady himself as he stands. Trowa nods his head solemnly. I'm an idiot for not realizing. I've heard that victims of rape often want to shower immediately afterwards to wash the "taint" of their tormentor from themselves. A spiritual cleansing as well as a physical one.   
  
We again make our way to the bathroom. I suppose Trowa is feeling stronger after our little nap. That or he feels the need to exert some more control over the situation because when I made a move to have him use me as a crutch he refused. Instead he let me take hold of his broken right arm for balance and leaned against the wall with is left. This is fine by me. The sooner he recovers physically the sooner we can put this whole fucking experience behind us. Once inside I sit Trowa on the closed lid of the toilet.   
  
"How are we going to do this?" I ask more to myself that to Trowa. Our bathroom does not have a bathtub just a shower stall. I could try and wash his hair in the sink but I don't think he has the stamina to stand and lean over the basin for a prolonged period of time. I could try having him sit on a chair and lean backwards into the sink. No, I don't think that will work either. He would have to put pressure on his back and that will most likely be painful for his broken ribs. I suppose I could have him sit in the shower since the shower head is detachable and I can control how wet the rest of his body gets.  
  
"Wait here a sec, I'll be right back," I say to Trowa as I bolt out of the room. I just remembered that there is a small stool in the garage. That would be perfect. I could put it in the shower and have Trowa sit on that. I run down the stairs and into the garage and find the little wooden stool next to Heero's workbench. I grab it and run back upstairs.  
  
"Ta da!" I say as I reenter the bathroom and show my acquisition to Trowa. He looks at me with his eyebrows knit in confusion.  
  
"It's for you to sit on in the shower," I say to his unasked question. I see apprehension in his eyes. I guess he just realized what I was planning to do.  
  
"Tro, are you comfortable with me doing this?" I ask. He shrugs his shoulders slightly.  
  
"I suppose it doesn't really matter. It's not like I can do it myself and it's not like you've never seen me naked before," He says bitterly. Despite the truth in that statement I can't help but feel a little embarrassed. I mean the two of us have already been as intimate with each other as two people could possibly be but there is nothing even remotely sexual in what we are about to do.   
  
I feel a sudden surge of anxiety that settles in the pit of my stomach. Trowa doesn't think I'm going to try anything with him does he? The thought that he might misconstrue my actions leaves me feeling dizzy.   
  
"Of course it matters," I say. "If you don't feel comfortable with me being here then I won't be." He stares at me for a moment like he is weighing the validity of my statement. I have to admit that it kind of hurts that he doesn't automatically trust me but then again his trust issues have been thrown for a loop along with everything else.   
  
"No," Trowa says finally, "It's not that. I just feel so fucking helpless right now. I don't want you to feel that you have to wait on me hand and foot. I just-"  
  
"Whoa, stop it right there," I interrupt. "You are my friend and I don't want you to go questioning my motives just accept my help and know that it's always here when you need it."  
  
"Yeah, but-"   
  
"No, buts about it. You would do the same for me. I know you would because that's the type of person you are. So, I'm going to help you get cleaned up a little and then I'm going to help you get something to eat," I say matter-of-factly. Trowa looks at me like he is shocked to hear me say these things.  
  
"Duo, I never knew……..thank you," he says breathlessly.   
  
"Don't be silly," I counter. "Of course you did. Now, let's get you all prettied up." I smile at him as I help him to his feet and it touches me when he smiles back. It really is a beautiful thing to witness one of Trowa's smiles. The ways his eyes light up you can't help but smile yourself. Some people say that my laugh is contagious but I'd put Trowa's smile up against it any day of the week and twice on Sunday.   
  
I help Trowa pull his T-shirt over his head very carefully. This the first time I have seen all of the gauze and bandages taped to his back. I have to stop a gasp before it sounds. The entire left side of Trowa's rib cage is covered with deep purple bruises and abrasions where his ribs were broken. This is proving to be harder than I initially thought. I take a deep breath to steady myself. While his is still standing, I pull down the sweat pants that he had been sleeping in but leave the boxers on. Trowa leans his weight on my shoulder as I help him step out of them. I put the stool inside the shower and steady Trowa as he sits down on it. I grab a towel from the nearby rack and drape it across his shoulders to help keep his back dry, I'll change the gauze later. Reaching in to the shower I detach the shower head and turn the water on. I figure I'm probably going to end up being the one to get all wet so I stand back and rip my T-shirt over my head. Trowa immediately flinches back and nearly falls off the stool.  
  
"Oh, shit Tro…….. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I'll put my shirt back on," I say trying to quickly ease the situation.  
  
"No…..it's alright," Trowa says between breaths. "I should be the one apologizing. It was just an odd reaction, pay it no mind."   
  
"Are you sure you're okay?" He nods but I'm not totally convinced. But I'm not going to force the issue when he is half naked and vulnerable in front of me.   
  
I have Trowa lean forward as far as he can and rest his arms on his knees. I pick up the shower head and carefully wet his hair. Once it is wet enough I pour the shampoo directly onto his head and gently work up a lather. I rinse his hair out and repeat the process for the conditioner. Trowa is silent through this and I find myself humming a random song. Once his hair is clean I remove the towel from his back and dry his head with it.  
  
"Duo?" Trowa's voice interrupts my humming.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I would like to….I mean would you mind……I'd like to wash the rest of my body," Trowa all but stammers. I believe I know what he's too embarrassed to ask.  
  
"Can you do it or would you like me to help you wash…….down there?" I feel my own cheeks burn with embarrassment.   
  
"I think I need your help." Okay this should be interesting.  
  
"Why don't I help you stand up and that way it will be easier for both of us," I say. I help him to his feet and place the wooden stool outside the shower. I help him turn so the he can lean against the tiled wall. I take a calming breath and carefully pull down his boxers. I immediately notice the small round bruises on his hips and the scrapes on his inner thighs and buttocks. They have a pattern consistent with finger nails. I can almost trace the imprint of each finger that made them. Once I have the boxers off I ball them up and throw them onto the floor. Trowa is now bracing himself against the tiles. I can see that he is shivering. I wet a wash cloth and pour some liquid soap into it.   
  
"Okay Tro, I want you to tell me if you're uncomfortable and I will stop," I say as I come up behind him. He again nods his head. When I reach around to his front and begin to wash his lower torso he gasps.  
  
"It's alright Trowa it's me. No one is here to hurt you. You're safe," I whisper into his ear. Trowa shudders but I keep whispering as many soothing words as I can as I move around to his backside. Trowa whimpers slightly and leans his head against the wall. His eyes are tightly shut. How many times has he done this? Heero said this has happened more than once. How many times did Trowa have to wash another's filth from his body?   
  
Once I am finished I quickly rinse the soap away and pick up the towel and wrap it around his waist. He turns to face me with tears brimming in his eyes. Before I know what hits me he crashes into me and pulls me into a hug. He isn't quite sobbing but his breath is hitching. I almost fall back but quickly catch myself.   
  
"Hey, it's okay. You're alright," I take a step backwards and pull him along with me. Trowa pulls away from me and wipes his face with one hand. I help him move over to the toilet and he sits on it.  
  
"God, I'm so pathetic," Trowa says.  
  
"Hey, no your not," I say adamantly. "You need to stop holding this all in. It's okay to let it go." Trowa does not respond but takes a few deep breaths to calm himself. I pull the wooden stool over and sit down beside him.  
  
"I need you to turn so I can change your bandages," I say gently. He complies and I begin to remove the old dressings. Trowa's back is a complete nightmare. There are long gashes crisscrossed all over the place held together by sutures. There is one particularly nasty one running from his right shoulder down to the lower left side of his back. Completing the atrocities are scores of angry red welts and burn marks the likes of which I have never seen. I have no clue as to what could have caused them. At the base of Trowa's neck right where it meets his shoulder there is a bite mark. That fucking animal bit him. I want to scream my rage.   
  
I pull our first-aid kit from under the sink. Over the years Heero, Trowa, and I have discovered that we all share the same distaste for doctors and hospitals. We would rather treat most of our injuries ourselves. As a result our first-aid kit is about the size of a large toolbox. I pull out the packets of alcohol wipes and rip one open with my teeth and gingerly dab at the stitches. They look red and slightly inflamed but there was no pus evident and none came out when I pressed at the wounds. There might be an infection but it's not a worry at this time. The antibiotics the doctor has Trowa on should help with that. I finish cleaning and inspecting all of Trowa's injuries. He is quiet the whole time and has managed to keep still.  
  
When I begin to tape the new gauze over the wounds Trowa breaks the silence.  
  
"Is it bad?" As much as I want to lie I can't.  
  
"Yeah, it's pretty bad," I say. "Don't worry though. The doctor did a real good job with the stitches; the scars won't be that bad." Trowa gives a sardonic snort.  
  
"What's a few more for the collection," he says. I don't know what to say to that so I opt to say nothing. I finish with my task and I help Trowa into a pair of fresh boxers and sweat pants. I retrieved a button down shirt for him to wear figuring that it would be easier to remove if the need arises.   
  
We make our way down the stairs and into the kitchen with relative ease. I had Trowa sit at the table while I prepared some soup for the two of us. I glanced at the clock, 1:08 P.M. Heero was not back yet.   
  
"I thought you said you were going to quit smoking?" Trowa asks. Shit, I left the pack on the table didn't I?  
  
"Yeah, I did and I will. I just needed one really bad this morning," I say without turning away from the stove. To my surprise Trowa drops the subject. He was the one who kept badgering me to quit in the first place.   
  
We are almost finished with our soup when Heero comes strolling into the kitchen. He stops in the doorway when he sees Trowa sitting at the table calmly eat a bowl of soup.  
  
"Oh, hey everyone," he says as he takes a seat.  
  
"Hey, Heero," I say. "Want some soup?"  
  
"No, thank you. It's good to see you up Trowa. How are you feeling?" Trowa shrugs.  
  
"About as good as can be expected," Trowa answers. For the briefest of seconds I can see the surprise on Heero's face when Trowa speaks to him. He must be thinking the same thing I am, what is going on? What caused the big turn around in Trowa's attitude?   
  
"Well, I have some news for you two," Heero looks expectantly between the two of us. "Une has given us a month of personal leave. Trowa, you're on leave until you feel physically able to return."  
  
I think my jaw just hit the floor. "A month? How the hell did you manage that?" I ask. Heero just gives me a big toothy grin.  
  
"I have my ways," he says. Well, isn't he being all mysterious.  
  
"What's the catch?" Trowa asks.  
  
"Excuse me?" Heero says.  
  
"There is always a catch. What is it?" Heero looks like he clearly wanted to avoid this question. He shifts uncomfortably in his chair.  
  
"Well, before we are approved to be returned to mission status we have to through a psychiatric evaluation," Heero says evenly. I'm not surprised. It makes sense that they would want to be sure we can handle going out on missions again whether as a team or individually. What does surprise me is Trowa's reaction to the news. Trowa abruptly stands up and slams a fist onto the table.  
  
"No, fucking way am I going to let some psychiatrist pick me apart and decide if I am fit to return to work. If that's the case then I'll quit." He moves around the table and heads to the doorway. I stand up instinctively to help him but he thinks I am trying to stop him.  
  
"Get the hell out of my way, Duo," He yells at me.  
  
"Get a grip, Trowa I'm trying to help you not stop you," I say. Trowa bats my hand away.  
  
"I can do this myself. I don't need your help and I certainly don't need any shrink's help." He tries to move past me again and again I make a move to steady him.  
  
"Will you relax? Why are you overreacting?"  
  
"I'm not overreacting. Get out of my way."  
  
"Duo, let him go," Heero says. I move out of Trowa's way and watch him lean heavily on the wall as he makes his way to the staircase. I continue to watch in silence as he carefully and painfully climbs each step until he reaches the top. When I hear his bedroom door slam shut I go back into the kitchen.  
  
"What the hell was that?" I ask Heero.  
  
"I had a feeling he was going to react badly to the news."  
  
"No shit."  
  
"Une and I were in agreement that he would be resistant to any kind of counseling. She suggested we make it mandatory."  
  
"Great, Colonel Une and her infinite fucking wisdom." That woman exasperates me sometimes. I know she means well but did she have to go and force this on an already emotionally unstable person. I run a hand through my bangs and resist the urge to rip them out.   
  
"I should go and check on him," I say but when I make a move to do so Heero grabs my arm.  
  
"No, let him cool down for a bit. I want to talk to you. If you're ready to listen that is." This is the moment I have been waiting for. So, why do I suddenly feel scared shitless? Heero motions to the table and we both sit down.  
  
"Before I begin I'm going to ask that you don't interrupt me. This is going to be hard enough on me as it is." I nod my head in agreement and Heero begins.  
  
TBC……………………

* * *

Okay so I'm evil for ending it here. About Maddie, she is a completely original character I made up from Duo's past. I will explain more about her in later chapters. Reviews are always appreciated. 


	5. Interlude Heero

A/N: For this chapter I'm switching to Heero's perspective. That's why I am calling it an interlude, an almost side story if you will. After this I will switch back to Duo. I would not normally switch POV in the middle of a story but I felt it would be more emotional coming from the person who experienced it. I'm toying with the idea of doing one for Trowa somewhere down the line. Now for the warning: This chapter will contain descriptions of RAPE and TORTURE! Please, heed the warning and do not read if you are sensitive to the subject matter.

* * *

Hold Your Light- Interlude Heero

* * *

_Hold your light, eleven.  
  
Lead me through each gentle step by step,  
  
By inch by loaded memory.  
_  
"jimmy" –Tool

* * *

"Before I begin I'm going to ask that you don't interrupt me. This is going to be hard enough on me as it is," I say to Duo. He looks surprised, almost stunned but he nods in the affirmative. My throat feels like closing and my face suddenly feels flushed. I'm beginning to think that I'm not ready for this but I know Duo has been waiting for someone to tell him what happened exactly.  
  
I must admit that I left as many details out of my mission report as I could. If the information was not absolutely crucial I omitted it or glossed it over as much as possible, both for Trowa's and my sakes. There were just some things that our superiors didn't need to know. But Duo deserved to know. I wish I could tell him how proud I am of him at the way he has been handling this situation but I'm not good at expressing myself sometimes. I'll worry about that later it's time to let Duo know exactly what he's helping Trowa and I deal with. Duo already knew the details of our capture, how we were ambushed as we attempted to escape via an access conduit that ran underneath the building complex. It was time to fill in the rest of the blanks. I breathed deeply and looked up to Duo's worried face. A sad smile touched my lips at his concern.  
  
"After the soldiers took us into custody and we were disarmed the commander ordered that our hands should be bound behind ours backs. Once the cuffs were secured he ordered that we were to be searched for any other weapons. Two of the soldiers stepped forward to complete this order and patted us down. Nothing was out of the ordinary. The commander then ordered that our shirts and boots were to be removed. Trowa went wild the second one of the soldiers got near him. I've never seen him so…..panicked. He began struggling blindly like he didn't care what he had to do to get away just as long as he did." Duo nodded briefly, unsure but attentive.  
  
"The soldier that was standing directly behind him grabbed him, pinning his arms to his sides in an attempt to contain him. A few others joined in," I continued. "Trowa managed to head-butt one the soldiers effectively breaking his nose. As that solider staggered backwards another stepped up and pistol whipped Trowa across his face with his rifle. His knees buckled and he went down. The soldiers let him fall hard onto the cement floor and I'm pretty sure his head hit. I made a move to try and intervene somehow but someone behind me hit me in the back with some type of tazer and I collapsed to the floor." I lift the bottom of my shirt and turn so that Duo could see the round burn mark on my lower back.  
  
"Trowa has a bunch of burns like that on his back, though yours doesn't look as bad," Duo said.  
  
"They used a lower setting on me." Duo's eyes go wide for a second and then he nods. He understands what I do not need to say. What was done to Trowa was torture. What was done to me was for suppression.   
  
"I don't think I lost consciousness but things did fade out for a second or two," I say. "When I came back every muscle in my body felt like it was on fire. It hurt to move. The solider whose nose Trowa had broken was repeatedly kicking him in the ribcage when I looked over to them. He kept kicking him until he stopped moving. Once the soldier stopped it was easy for the rest of them to cut off Trowa's shirt and pull off his boots. When they stepped over to me I didn't give them any resistance," I say, slightly ashamed of that admission. "That was the first time I saw the scars on Trowa's back. In hindsight that was probably the reason he freaked out or maybe he knew something worse was going to happen. I don't know."  
  
"Trowa always was good as sizing up people," Duo says leisurely. I agree so I let the comment pass undisputed.  
  
"Well, I didn't get to contemplate things much longer. I felt something sharp stab into my neck and only had a few seconds to realize it was some kind of tranquilizer before I passed out……strong stuff. I'm not sure how long I was out but when I came around my body was stiff. I had obviously been in one position for a while. I opened my eyes but everything was completely black. Initially I thought I was blindfolded but I could not feel anything on my face do I deduced that I was in a dark room. They had me sitting on the floor with my wrists shackled to wall next to my head like this." I hold my hands up on either side of my head in demonstration to Duo.   
  
"As far as being bound it was really not that uncomfortable. I was able to sit or kneel but could not stand and the position that my arms were in didn't really put too much strain on my shoulders."  
  
"Well, wasn't that thoughtful of them," Duo says sarcastically. The corner of my mouth turns up a bit. I lean forward and rest both of my arms on the table and begin to pick at my fingernails. It's an unconscious reaction I've been catching myself doing lately. I feel myself frown as I continue.  
  
"I could hear Trowa's ragged breathing somewhere nearby. I called his name but he didn't answer so I tried to feel for him with my foot. He was just out of reach so I had to wait for him to come around by himself. I think it was about an hour later when I heard him groan. I asked him if he was bound the same way and he said no. They had left him on his stomach with his hands still tied behind his back but they had bound his ankles this time. He told me that a couple of his ribs were probably broken but he didn't think they had punctured his lung. He was having trouble breathing……" My voice cracks suddenly and I almost choke on a sob. Damn, this is a lot harder than I thought.  
  
"Are you okay?" Duo asks, his expression is concerned. I nod my head but it still takes a few moments to compose myself before I can continue.   
  
"The lights came on a few minutes after Trowa woke up. I suppose they had been monitoring the room waiting for the two of us to be conscious. Going from pitch black to sudden light was blinding and it seemed like it took a long time for my eyes to finally adjust….maybe it was an effect of whatever drug they gave me. Once they did I could inventory the room they had us in. It looked like any other infirmary or clinic room I had ever been in. I mean with the exception of the chains and shackles bolting me to the wall that's pretty much all it was. You were there you saw it." Duo nods in agreement. I catch him eyeing the pack of cigarettes sitting on the table. I also notice that his knee has been bouncing non-stop since we began. Nervous energy I guess.   
  
"You can smoke if you'd like," I say to him.   
  
"Thanks," He says guiltily as his picks up the pack and taps a cigarette out. I wait for him to light it before I move on.  
  
"I looked over to Trowa who was laying about five feet away from me on my right. His eyes were closed but I knew he wasn't sleeping. His cheek and eye were already swollen shut and the bruising was just beginning to darken. His arms were blocking my view of his ribcage but I could tell from his labored breathing how much pain he was in. He was doing his best to cover it but I knew. The silence of the room was broken by the sound of hydraulics. The room's only door opened and in walked two men. One I recognized right away as the commander of the soldiers that initially captured us the other was an unknown. He was in his mid-forties I guess, dark brown hair that was graying heavily at his temples. He wore a white lab coat over a simple button down shirt and slacks. He looked like a doctor but it was something about his eyes that unnerved me." Duo suddenly sat up straighter. Am I really such a hard-ass that when I admit to things like this everyone has to act so shocked?   
  
"They unnerved- _you_?" Duo asks blowing smoke sideways out of his mouth.  
  
"Yeah, _me_," I retort. "His eyes, they were….I don't know- weird, frightening. They were dark brown, almost black like Wu Fei's but more evil. I know that sounds strange and maybe I'm just personifying things after what he did but I can't think of any other word to use."  
  
"He must have been evil if he was able to shake you-"  
  
"I'm not completely unflappable, Duo," I interrupt. "Things affect me too and what happened in that room has really shattered many illusions I had." Duo immediately backs down and shrinks back into his chair.  
  
"I'm sorry," He mutters.  
  
"It's alright. So anyway, these two walk in and make a show of gloating over us. The Doctor, I never did get his real name he was always referred to as 'The Doctor', he has the commander, Dandridge was his name, unbind Trowa's legs and pull him up into a kneeling position," I say absently. "This is when things started to get scary. He knew our names, Duo. He also knew that we were Gundam pilots. He told me that most of the information he had on me came from intelligence from the wars but he had a much more detailed and intimate knowledge of Trowa." Duo looks at me in confusion; he hasn't put it together yet.  
  
"Duo, he knew him," I say softly. "He knew Trowa from before the wars." I watch as Duo's eyebrows shoot up.  
  
"W- what? How can that be?" Duo stammers practically gagging on his cigarette smoke.  
  
"He said that he was part of the mercenary group that Trowa was with when he was a kid. He also made mention of an explosion that Trowa left as a parting gift for the group…..killed a bunch of people from the sound of it. Once Trowa recognized who this man was his face went white as a sheet. He seemed very frightened of him and surprised that he was still alive. Though, in hindsight I can see why. The Doctor went on to explain that he and those he worked for had set this whole thing up as a trap to catch a Preventer agent to gain information. It seems that we had begun getting too close to uncovering their little operation and they wanted to find out what we knew. The fact that Trowa and I were ex-Gundam pilots was an added bonus."  
  
"Jesus Christ," Duo swore, "This whole time they knew about our investigation. They were the ones behind the explosion on that resource satellite that killed three agents weren't they?"  
  
"Yes, only they didn't die in the explosion. The Doctor and his minion had their hands on those agents for a few hours before he killed them. The explosion was to cover their tracks and to get our attention. The three agents were unable to provide the information they wanted so they had to come up with another way. Hence the lead we received on the weapons factory and our subsequent failed reconnaissance mission."  
  
"So, what happens now?" Duo asks.  
  
"Well, Une is now stepping up her investigation into finding out who is behind the distribution of the illegal arms. She hopes the soldiers that were taken prisoner will give up some useful information."  
  
"Let me get my hands one them, I'll get them to talk."  
  
"We are not going to torture them to get what we want, Duo. We can't become the same kind of monsters that they were. Look at Trowa. Do you think you could do that to another human being?"  
  
"No, you're right," He says with a sigh and hangs his head in defeat. "Tell me, Heero. Tell me what they did to Trowa." This is the part that I have been dreading. I've come this far and there is no turning back now. I take a deep breath and exhale loudly.  
  
"As I said before The Doctor knew who Trowa was and he made it very apparent that he was going to give Trowa whatever payback he felt he deserved. The Doctor had Dandridge drag Trowa over to the metal table and forced him to lean over it the long way. He was bent at the waist so only his upper body was on the table. Dandridge rammed his elbow between Trowa's shoulder blades to keep him immobile while he undid the cuffs around his wrists. Then both he and The Doctor lashed his wrists to restraints attached to the table legs. Once they were secure they did the same for his ankles. Trowa was completely vulnerable in this position. He began running his hands over Trowa's back and over the scars in an almost loving fashion. He smiled at the way Trowa shivered at his touch. The Doctor asked me if Nanashi, that's what he kept calling Trowa, ever told me about him."  
  
"Nanashi?" Duo asks suddenly.  
  
"Yeah, has he ever said anything to you?"  
  
"No, but there were a few times when he had nightmares that he said that name. He would never give me a straight answer when I asked him about it."  
  
"Well, I refused to give that bastard the satisfaction of an answer but he proceeded to tell me anyway. He was working as the mercenary corps doctor for a while when Trowa showed up one day asking to join. They reluctantly let him join but he eventually 'proved his worth'," I feel my stomach tighten and have to stop for a second.  
  
"Proved his worth?" Duo asks.  
  
"Yeah, they abused him. They used his skills as a mechanic, a mobile suit pilot, and when that wasn't enough they used his body."  
  
"My God," Duo gasps.  
  
"Repeatedly, if what The Doctor was saying is true. He was no more that ten or eleven and they beat him and raped him whenever they felt like it for days on end. The scars on his back were a gift left by his tormentors." I feel my anger rising again. My hand clenches into a fist and I want to hurt someone.  
  
"Are you sure you're okay talking about this, Heero?"   
  
"Honestly, I don't know. I've never been through or witnessed such cruelty before. I'm no stranger to death and torture but I have never seen someone take so much pleasure at someone else's suffering. I watched that vile man take a scalpel and cut open every one of Trowa's scars while he reminded him of how he received each one. I had to listen to countless stories of Trowa's rapes by the hands of the men he fought along side with. While I could do nothing! I was chained to that fucking wall and I could do nothing to help my friend!" I'm yelling and I don't really care.  
  
"Heero, calm down it's-"  
  
"It's what, Duo? Okay? No it's fucking not. I sat there and listened to those horrible stories. I watched him carve up Trowa's back. You know something, the entire time Trowa didn't make a sound. He just kept staring at me willing me to look away but I couldn't. When Dandridge and the Doctor felt they weren't getting the reaction they wanted the pulled out the tazer and began hitting him with it. It had to be on the highest setting because I could smell the burning flesh. And he still didn't make a sound. I watched Dandridge cut the pants off of him. I watched the Doctor shove two fingers inside of him and nothing. Do you know what made him finally scream?" Duo just shook his head. He was looking a little green around the gills. I wonder if I look the same.  
  
"The Doctor examined him and could tell that he had sex recently," I watched Duo blush and look away. "He wanted to know if I was his lover. I told him no, I didn't want the humiliation to go on any longer. That man had no right to know anything about Trowa. I refused to say any more but he kept trying to goad me. He must have thought I was lying, I don't know but he motioned for Dandridge to step up behind Trowa. I knew what was going to happen next. I begged for him to stop and not touch Trowa. I was willing to give up any information they wanted but it was Trowa who stopped me. He said to me 'It doesn't matter what they do to me. Don't let them use me against you.' It broke my heart to see him like that. Dandridge unbuttoned his pants and still Trowa kept his eyes locked on mine. When Dandridge thrust himself into Trowa I couldn't help it I just blurted it out," I say breathlessly. The tears are streaming down my face.  
  
"What? What did you say?" Duo is standing, practically leaning across the table.  
  
"I wanted him to know that he wasn't alone and that I was there with him. I couldn't think…so I told him I loved him." Duo says nothing. He just slumps back into the chair.  
  
"I told him I loved him," I continue as my voice begins to break with emotion. "I told him as some brut of a man was raping him and biting him on the neck so hard that he drew blood. Trowa just closed his eyes and screamed." There was a long period of silence where Duo and I just stared at each other.  
  
"When Dandridge was finished the two of them left the room. The evil grin on the Doctor's face told me that he was pleased with the outcome; they got the reaction they wanted. They left Trowa on that table. I could see blood colored semen running down the inside of his legs and pure red blood dripping off the table from the wounds on his back. Just before he finally passed out he asked me one question- why?" I wiped at my tear stained face and pressed my palms into my eyes.  
  
"Did you have an answer for him?" Duo asks.  
  
"No."  
  
"Do you have an answer for him?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Fuck," Duo curses softly. I agree wholeheartedly with his sentiment. I sigh again and try to finish my tale.  
  
"It was sometime during the night...or it could have been day I had no concept of time, that I began testing the shackles. To my amazement I felt the metal start to give. I kept working it to try and get it to break. Who knows how many hours later The Doctor came back for round two. I had managed to loosen the iron bolt enough that one good yank should dislodge it. I just needed a diversion. A few hours later we felt the building shake from an explosion and I knew it was you coming to the rescue. That provided me the distraction I needed. Unfortunately the chains weren't as loose as I originally thought and I tore most of the skin around my wrists off in the process." I rub at my bandaged wrists unconsciously.  
  
"Finally the chains snapped and I was free. I don't really remember too much of what happened next. I flew into this uncontrolled rage. I was on Dandridge before he knew what hit him. I twisted his neck in one motion and was at the Doctor's throat before his lifeless body hit the floor. I was so angry I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt Trowa. I remember clawing and ripping at him with my bare hands. Blood was flying everywhere and I didn't care. I wanted him to feel as much pain before he took his last breath and I wanted him to know it was from me."  
  
"Jesus fucking Christ, Heero." Duo says in what I believe to be disbelief.  
  
"I undid the straps holding Trowa to the table and just cradled him in my arms until you got there," I say. I bury my face in my hands as I begin to sob. The memories were too overwhelming. I flinch slightly when I feel Duo wrap his arms around me. He holds me tight as I weep into his shirt. I feel sick, my head is spinning. Yet, I feel strangely detached from the situation, numb. I'm not a verbal person, everyone who knows me knows this but I just told Duo everything that happened. I should feel relieved, like a weight was lifted right? But I don't. In fact, I think I feel worse. I push away from him a few minutes later and nod to him in silent thank you.   
  
"Are _you_ alright?" I ask Duo. He is lighting another cigarette with a shaking hand.  
  
"I'm not sure. That's a lot of stuff to process…I need some time to think." I agree and get up from the table to give Duo some privacy.  
  
"I'm going to check on Trowa and then I'm going to lay down for a bit," I say from the doorway. "If you want to talk some more later, I'll listen." Duo just nods his head. He looks a bit shell shocked but then again I think we all do. I give him a slight nod and I retreat from the kitchen.

* * *

I pause outside Trowa's bedroom door. I'm a little apprehensive about going in but I force myself to. I open the door and step inside. I can see Trowa laying face down diagonally across the bed.   
  
He is sound asleep.  
  
I step next to the bed and gently brush the bangs from his face. He stirs at my touch.  
  
"Duo?" He asks sleepily.  
  
"No, it's me."  
  
"Oh, Heero," He says as he struggles to sit up. "What's up?"   
  
"Nothing really I just wanted to see if you needed anything," I say as I help him get upright. Once he is sitting he leans back carefully onto his pillows.  
  
"No, I'm alright for the moment. Look, Heero I'm sorry about my outburst before-" I wave my hand to cut him off.  
  
"Don't worry about it. Things have been pretty stressful around here lately. I do want you to reconsider about going to counseling, though." He opens his mouth to say something but I cut him off again. "I know it must seem scary but I am going to go. I need some… help dealing with all this and I think you do too. Just think about it okay?"  
  
"Alright, I'll think about it but I make no promises," He says in a flat tone.  
  
"Good, that's all I can ask," I say with a slight smile. "I'll let you get back to sleep then." I turn to walk back to the door when Trowa calls out to me.  
  
"Heero? There has been something I've been meaning to ask you," He says gently. I turn back around to face him. He looks up to me with those emerald eyes of his.  
  
"Did you really mean what you said?" Ah, the million dollar question.  
  
"Yes, I did," I reply simply. I can tell he is struggling with my answer.  
  
"But-…" Once again I cut him off.  
  
"I'm not going to ask you for anything more than you are willing to give, Trowa. If all that you want to give me is friendship than that is all I will ever need." He looks unconvinced. "It's okay we'll sort through everything eventually," I walk out of the room and close the door behind me.  
  
TBC………

* * *

As a side note I read somewhere that Trowa joined another mercenary group after the one he was with in Operation Zero and before he went into space to work on Heavyarms. So I don't know if its canon or not because I can't remember the source. This was my take on his possible experience; there will be more to come with this. I do not believe that the mercs who found and raised him ever abused him. Anyway, next chapter we're back to Duo's POV and his reaction to what Heero told him. Please review. 


	6. 6

Hold Your Light- Chapter 6

* * *

_What was it like to see  
  
The face of your own stability  
  
Suddenly look away  
  
Leaving you with the dead and hopeless?  
_  
"jimmy"- Tool

* * *

I watch Heero's back as he leaves. It then dawns on me that this is the second time that he has left me dumbfounded in our kitchen today. If I was able to feel anything other then overwhelming numbness I may have found some humor in that. So, here I am once again left alone with my thoughts and the lunch dishes. Twenty four hours ago I wanted nothing more than to know what had happened to my friends. I'm not so sure I want this knowledge now that I have it.   
  
I have to admit that even though everything Heero told me was horrible and I know it must have been awful for him to do so my mind is stuck replaying one piece of information. Heero loves Trowa. And he loves him in a way that goes beyond friendship. And Trowa knows. I'm not sure how I feel about that. If the tightening in my chest and the sour taste in my mouth are any indication I must feel pretty bad.   
  
The air in this kitchen is starting to feel stale so I had outside to our back porch. I suppose it's hard to get fresh air when I'm chain smoking enough tar and tobacco into my lungs to kill a small horse. There is no way I'm quitting now. If the two of them are going to keep dumping all these wonderful little surprises on me I'm going to need something much stronger than nicotine. Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.   
  
There are too many thoughts fighting for dominance that it's become one jumbled mess. I take a look around our back yard and try to get a handle on my troubled mind. I think it's kind of funny the idea of us living here, three ex-Gundam pilots in the middle of suburbia. Oddly enough it was WuFei who found the house for us. He said it would be a "good place to settle our roots". A quaint little colonial with 3 bedrooms, one and a half baths, basement, and a garage. I think the reason we were able to afford it was because of all the renovations it needed but we are a half hour from the city and about forty five minutes from Headquarters. He was right but it still took some getting used to for all of us. Heero felt like we were constantly under surveillance and thought our neighbors were spying on us. It took some explaining but I believe we finally were able to explain to him that our neighbors were just trying to be friendly. Trowa and I both felt restless and uncertain in the beginning. The two of us came from similar backgrounds in the sense that we never stayed in one place for any real length of time and coming home to the same place day in and day out was a definite adjustment. It was something we never had- a home. I think that restlessness was what initially drew us together. That and the fact that it was so damn quiet at night we didn't know what to do with ourselves.  
  
I guess the relationship between Trowa and I started innocently enough. We had only been in the house less than a month. I can recall this because we were still fighting over color schemes and furniture placement. It was yet another night that I could not sleep in the deafening silence of our house that I came across Trowa in the kitchen. He confessed to me that he was having the same trouble adjusting to our new post-war lives and the two of us got to talking. I think it was the longest conversation I ever had with Trowa. During the wars we didn't really spend too much time together. It wasn't due to anything other than the fact that it seemed to work out that way. But in that dark kitchen early that fateful morning I saw another side of Trowa. One I had never really seen before. He let the mask slip briefly and allowed me to see much more of his vulnerable side. It was nice that he seemed comfortable enough around me to share a few things about his past. So I in turn opened up to him. He told me about the mercenary camps he grew up in and how there was always the sound of engines and machinery. I told him about the streets of L2 and how the colony was always bustling no matter the time of day.   
  
I suppose that was the reason I was not surprised when Trowa came to my room a few nights later and crawled into bed with me. He didn't need to say a word, I knew why he came. Having another person nearby is a comfort and I welcomed him with open arms. We fell into a routine eventually. We would start out in separate beds but by the end of the night we were in either one's bed. It was all very innocent and chaste. We would just snuggle, I swear. It was nice having someone there when you woke up from a nightmare and we both had our share. Trowa would hold me so tight on those nights, just like Solo did when I was a kid. I did my best to return the favor for him whenever necessary.   
  
The sex came a few months into our little sleeping arrangement. I was the one who initiated it. It was late one night when something woke me. I don't remember what but I can recall opening my eyes and looking over to Trowa who was asleep beside me. I reached over and brushed his hair out of his face. He looked so peaceful, so undeniably beautiful that I couldn't help myself and I leaned over and kissed him. He came awake instantly. I was prepared for him to throw me out of his room or beat the shit out of me for taking advantage of him. The very least I expected was for him to question me as to why but to my complete shock he did none of those things. He instead stared at me with a strange intensity in his eyes for a long while. I opened my mouth and was about to apologize when he grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled me into a passionate kiss. Well, the kissing lead to touching and the touching lead to caressing and well, before I knew it we were both naked and I was inside him. Afterwards, as we lay in a tangled mess of sweaty limbs we both agreed that we did not want to be tied down in a relationship but that was by no means a reason to stop what we had going on. So, we didn't.   
  
That brings me back to the problem at hand. Heero confessed to me that he is in love with Trowa. Heero has also stated that he knew Trowa and I were sleeping together so he obviously assumed we were in some sort of relationship. That is most likely the reason why he never approached Trowa or made his feelings known. Okay, so where does that leave me? What are my feelings for Trowa? Of course I love him; he has become one of my closest friends over the last two years. I would crawl to hell and back on bloody knees for him. I'm also not going to deny that the sex was phenomenal. My past experiences pale in comparison to Trowa. But am I in love with him? I was frantic when Heero and Trowa had been captured. When they were finally rescued and I saw first hand what had been done to Trowa I was so angry I wanted to kill.   
  
An icy chill moves down my spine despite the warm summer breeze. Trowa has suffered so much for so long he deserves someone who can give him their love unconditionally. I don't know if he even wants me to be the one. I can't just assume that because we're having sex that I am the one he wants. He said he doesn't want to be in a relationship and at the time I agreed with him. I'm not so sure I feel the same way anymore. Let's face it; the line of work we are currently involved in is very dangerous. I can see where attachments might be considered a liability but should we be denied happiness if we can find it? Haven't we given enough already? I think I want to have someone to love and be loved in return. That's not such an unreasonable request. I think it's time I faced something I've been denying myself for a while now. Despite everything that has happened I still want to be with Trowa. Does that mean I am in love with him? I'm not sure but I think I would like to find out.  
  
I take the last drag from my cigarette and stomp it out in the ashtray. I take a deep breath and sigh. I'm going to have to be patient and let Trowa recover. Once that happens we can sit down and have a serious talk about us. If he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me then that's fine but I think the two of us need to start being honest with each other. I head back into the kitchen and survey the mess from earlier. Oh well, I've got nothing better to do right now so I begin cleaning up the lunch dishes. I glance at the clock, 4:32 P.M. Damn, where did the day go?  
  
I had just finished drying the last of the dishes when I hear Trowa's anguished scream echo through the silent house. I drop what I'm doing and bolt up the stairs taking them two at a time. When I reach Trowa's room I find that the door is already open. I take one step into the room and stop dead in my tracks. Heero is sitting on the bed next to Trowa with one arm wrapped around his shoulders and has pulled Trowa into an embrace. Trowa has his hand fisted in Heero's shirt and his face buried in Heero's neck. My heart freezes at the sight. What is Heero doing with my Trowa? Wait, my Trowa? That reaction surprises me.  
  
"I can still feel him. He's here," I hear Trowa say weakly. There is so much fear in his voice.  
  
"Shh, no he's not. He will never hurt you again. I made sure of that. Never again," Heero replies back. I take a step further into the room and Heero looks up at me. There is a little guilt in his expression. I could exploit that if I wanted but right now is not the time.  
  
"Duo's here," Heero whispers to Trowa. I move to the bed as Trowa unfolds himself from Heero's embrace and holds his arms out, beckoning me. I sit down on the other side. Trowa whimpers as he practically throws himself at me and buries his face in my chest. I immediately pull him close.  
  
"It's alright. You're okay it was just a dream. It wasn't real," I say as I begin to gently rock him. I look up into Heero's face and I see the concern and the apprehension etched into it. But underneath it all I see the love he has for Trowa. I know now what needs to be done to help us all overcome this. I take hold of Heero's hand and pull him closer to Trowa and me and the two of us envelope the trembling man.  
  
"You're here with us, Trowa," I whisper. "You're here with me and Heero and we both love you."  
  
TBC………..

* * *

I love to hear what everyone thinks so please let me know what you like or don't like. More angst to come next chapter, so I'll see everyone then. 


	7. 7

Hold Your Light- Chapter 7

* * *

_You were always so far away  
  
I know that pain so don't you run away  
  
Like you used to do.  
_  
"Brother" – Alice in Chains

* * *

Heero and I managed to calm Trowa down enough to fall back asleep. It really scares me how disoriented he is when he first comes out of a nightmare. It's almost like he's not fully awake at first and whatever happened in the dream still has a hold on him. The whole situation is incredibly exhausting both mentally and physically for all of us. I know I feel like shit and I'm beginning to see the toll fatigue has taken on Heero. There are shadows under his eyes and I wonder how he is coping with no one to comfort him when he wakes in terror in the middle of the night. If he even wakes in terror.  
  
I am currently reclining on Trowa's bed with said auburn-haired boy's head on my chest idly running my fingers through his hair. Trowa's breathing is soft and steady indicating how deeply asleep he is. Heero has spooned up behind Trowa and has himself propped up on an elbow watching us intently. His eyes move back and forth between Trowa's peaceful face and my hand gently stroking his hair.   
  
"I think the physical contact is a comfort for him," I say quietly to Heero. He doesn't answer me but nods his head in understanding. Heero has this peculiar look on his face. I'm not sure how to describe it. It looks as if he is carefully cataloging each movement and reaction. I swear I can hear the gears turning in his head. "You can touch him too, if you want," I tell him. Heero's eyes widen as though I just suggested he do something unthinkable.  
  
"I….are you sure?" He asks. I nod my head once. Heero sits up a little and tentatively reaches out a hand and places it on Trowa's shoulder. He carefully begins to rub his hand over Trowa's bicep. His touch is light, fingertips ghosting over the flesh exposed by the short sleeved shirt. Trowa stirs slightly but does not wake. Heero immediately pulls his hand back as if he did something wrong and turns his questioning eyes to me.  
  
"It's okay, he's still asleep," I tell him. Heero still looks confused. I roll my eyes. "Stop acting like you hurt him. I don't think he would be too happy with us if he felt we were treating him like he was made of glass."  
  
"I don't want to hurt him," Heero says softly.   
  
"You won't. Like I said, I think being in physical contact with someone helps keep him calm. We fell asleep before when you went in to HQ and he didn't have any nightmares. In fact he woke me up from one. If he's up to it maybe one of us should stay here in the room with him at night. We could alternate."  
  
"You think he wouldn't mind me staying here with him?" Heero asks shyly. I swear it almost looks like he is acting like a little school girl with a crush. He'd probably eviscerate me if he ever heard me say anything out loud about that.  
  
"He trusts you and that says a lot but we'll only know for sure when we ask him," I say. Heero nods and reaches out again to touch Trowa's arm. He slowly moves his hand up to Trowa's shoulder to his neck and then brushes over the sleeping man's cheek with the back of his knuckles. He lingers over Trowa's face lightly tracing its features. It's fascinating to watch this display in front of me and I become so distracted that my hand stops stroking Trowa's hair. I can see a wealth of emotions in Heero's eyes that I have never seen before. He looks awestruck.   
  
"He's so beautiful," Heero whispers. I'm not sure if he's speaking to me of if he's talking to himself. Heck, I'm not sure he's aware that I'm still in the room. It dawns on me that Heero has probably never been in any type of sexual situation. I would be willing to bet money that he is still a virgin. If that is the case then he has probably never touched or been touched by anyone in a manner other than friendly. A sudden pained expression crosses Heero's face and he stops his caressing. He pulls back and sits up fully.  
  
"During the war he followed me all over Europe while I made my peace with the Noventa family," Heero begins. His face is sullen and his eyes are downcast. "I think that may have been the first time I thought I might have feelings for him that were other than camaraderie." His eyes meet mine. "Um, do you think we can go outside and talk? I feel bad talking about him like he's not here." Okay, that one caught me off guard.  
  
"Uh, yeah….sure Heero. Just let me get out from under nappy boy here," I say as I lift Trowa's head as gently as I can and wriggle awkwardly out from under him. To my own amazement Trowa doesn't wake. He instead latches sleepily onto the pillow that I had been leaning on and nuzzles his face into it. It's too cute for words and the corners of my mouth turn up in a grin.   
  
I close the door to Trowa's room and follow Heero down the hall to his room. Once inside he closes the door behind us. Heero's room is much like Trowa's in the sense that there are no decorations or extraneous pieces of furniture. Everything in here had a purpose. From the plain wooden desk to the closet organizers, Heero's room screamed efficiency. It was also painfully neat. Not even Trowa could match Heero in cleanliness. I guess I was the black sheep. My room was a perpetual mess. My clothes never seemed to want to stay on hangers or folded in drawers.   
  
Heero sits on the bed and motions for me to sit next to him. I sit down on the boring pale blue blanket, lean my back against the wall and curl my legs under me.  
  
"Are you alright talking with me now? I mean I know I dumped some heavy stuff on you before and with Trowa's nightmares…." He trails off.  
  
"Nightmares, day-mares, afternoon-mares," I say a little nastier than I intended. I see Heero's questioning eyebrow shoot up. "Sorry, but yeah it's cool." Heero nods his head and breathes deeply and picks at his nails before he begins to speak.  
  
"Like I said, it was when he was following me around Europe that I started to feel something. You have to keep in mind that I've never really had much interaction with people on any kind of personal level. We spent a lot of days and nights together and we would talk occasionally. Nothing that we talked about ever really got too personal but he did tell me once that he admired me."  
  
"Admired you or what you were doing?" I ask. Heero thinks about it for a minute.  
  
"What I was doing I guess. I'm not good with putting my feelings into words but he didn't impose himself on me or tell me how I should do things. He was just always there," Heero stated simply. "Always in the background waiting until he was needed. Helping whenever I needed him to but wise enough to know when to stay back. I don't know, I guess I just appreciated him for that."  
  
"Well, he did spend a month nursing you back to health. Do you think you may have developed feelings for him because of that? Sort of a Florence Nightingale Syndrome thing?" Heero smiled at that.  
  
"No, though I do think that has something to do with it. I was in 'Mission Mode' big time back then. I could not afford to waste time contemplating thoughts that did not pertain to things inside my mission parameters. But occasionally these thoughts would break through and I would find myself watching Trowa in a different light." Heero stops speaking abruptly. His eyebrows are furrowed and he looks confused. "Damn, I wish I was better at expressing myself," he curses softly.  
  
"Can you put your feelings in a different context? I mean, can you compare them to something else that is easier for you to explain?" I offer. Heero gets a pensive look on his face once again and is silent for a few minutes.   
  
"Um, yeah I think I can. There was this one time-" He breaks off suddenly and looks away from me.  
  
"Heero? What is it?" Heero slowly turns back to face me. He looks nervous and is blushing?  
  
"I've never told anyone about this," He confesses. "I guess I'm a little embarrassed. I suppose I was eleven or twelve years old at the time. I was still under J's training 24/7. You know how at that age your body starts changing and things start happening?" I nod, not quite sure where this story is going. "Well, I had woken up one morning from a rather involved dream."  
  
"You had a wet dream?" I interrupt. Heero glares at me. It's so tempting to make fun of him for this but he's wearing his heart on his sleeve right now and he'd probably kill me.  
  
"Yeah. I was confused by my body's reaction so I went to J and asked him." This time I can't hold back and the laughter erupts from my body.  
  
"You did what?" I ask through my hysterics. "Oh, I can just picture this; A young naïve Heero getting the "Birds and Bee's" speech from J." I'm laughing so hard tears are running down my face.   
  
"Are you finished?" An angry Heero asks. I try and contain my laughter. I think I manage it on the third try. "As I was saying," Heero continues with an angry glare. "I went to him and yes he did explain how things worked and why my body reacted the way it did. So, I thought nothing of it until it happened again. That time I found out that I liked the way my body felt afterwards so I began to …..mess around when I had a chance to." I can see Heero's face getting redder by the second. This must be excruciatingly awkward for him.  
  
"You started masturbating," I say simply. There is no way I'm making this easier for him. It's too much fun. Heero's eyes go wide at my candor but then he dolefully shakes his head in the affirmative.   
  
"One night J caught me in the act. He was furious. He said I needed to learn better control over my body. I was not supposed to let myself be influenced by weak human urges so he punished me." I bolt upright.  
  
"He punished you? How?" I ask. Heero looks down at his hands. There is a look of humiliation on his face.  
  
"If you don't mind I'd rather not go into that," he asks softly.  
  
"Uh, sure," I say. Interesting, I'll have to save that bit of information for another time. Heero begins picking at the blanket on his bed and we sit quietly for a good stretch of time. Then, finally Heero sighs and begins again.  
  
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I was around Trowa sometimes I felt like I did before J found out what I had been doing-"  
  
"You mean he made you horny," I interrupt. Not that I can blame Heero for that. Trowa is a fine piece of ass and I mean that in the nicest way possible. Heero blushes even more and continues to pull fuzzies off his blanket.  
  
"Yeah, I guess so. I mean at the time I didn't know exactly what was going on I just knew that my body was reacting to him in a different way than my mind was."  
  
"Are you a virgin?" I blurt out. I probably could have been a little more delicate in my delivery but we're being bluntly honest with each other. I obviously took Heero by surprise because his eyes practically leave their sockets.  
  
"No," he says softly as he stares down at his hands. It's my turn to do the bug-eye thing. Good thing I never made that wager.  
  
"Really? When did you….you know?" Heero takes in a shaky breath; obviously he is very uncomfortable talking about this.  
  
"You really want to know?" He asks as he meets my gaze. I nod my head enthusiastically. Heero settles back against his pillows. "It was a couple of months ago. Not too long after I found out about you and Trowa, actually. I figured I had missed my chance with Trowa. Don't get me wrong I'm not mad at you for getting there first. I have no one to blame but myself. I didn't want to pine away for what I missed so I went out one night to a bar and picked up some random guy. Or did he pick me up? I can't really remember I was pretty drunk. I still can't believe how easy it is to get into bars, no one checks ID's anymore. Anyway, we went back to his place and had sex." I raised my eyebrows to encourage him to continue. He crosses his arms over his chest but does not continue.  
  
"And?" I say.  
  
"And what? That's it. I never saw the guy again."  
  
"Well, was it at least good?"  
  
"Not really. It hurt. I wasn't expecting it to be that bad," Heero says as he leans his head against the wall. I suddenly feel really bad for Heero. He lost his virginity to a drunken one night stand because he was too afraid to express his feelings to the one person he felt attracted to. What makes me feel even worse is the fact that Trowa and I just sort of stumbled into the sex and not an actual relationship. Trowa could have been with someone who really cared for him and maybe I kept him from that. Ugh, my brain hurts. When did things get to be so goddamned confusing?  
  
"Duo?" I hear Heero ask through the static in my head.  
  
"Yeah?" I answer. Heero sits up and away from the wall and leans towards me.  
  
"There was another time when I felt an attraction to someone," He says gently.  
  
"Yeah, when was that?" I say only half listening.  
  
"It was when I was hiding out in a private school during the war."  
  
"Who was the lucky guy…wait? What?" My brain finally catches up to the conversation.  
  
"It was you, Duo," Heero says as his moves in and presses his lips to mine. He suddenly has both of his hands cupping my face and his mouth is insistent. And so help me god, I kissed him back.  
  
TBC…………….

* * *

I'd love to know what everyone is thinking. Let me know. See you next chapter. 


	8. 8

Hold Your Light- Chapter 8

* * *

_What I see is unreal  
  
I've written my own part  
  
Eat of the apple, so young  
  
I'm crawling back to start  
_  
"Rotten Apple"- Alice in Chains

* * *

Heero moaned softly as I opened my mouth to allow the kiss to deepen. The two hands that had been cradling my face slipped down to my shoulders and a gentle pressure was applied as he pushed me onto to my back. I instinctively angled my body so that I was completely on the bed as Heero settled his weight over me. Not once did our lips part.   
  
I wrapped one arm around Heero's shoulder and let the other hand slide down the muscular curve of his back and settle above his tail bone. I squeezed both arms simultaneously to pull him into a fierce kiss and crush our groins together. Our mouths broke apart momentarily as we groaned our approval. I continued to grind my hardening erection into Heero's as he rained kisses over my face and slowly ran his tongue along my jaw line. Our eyes met briefly before the assault on my mouth began again. This time I wrapped both my arms around Heero's shoulders and pulled him into me until it was difficult for me to breathe.   
  
The room was filled with the sounds of sloppy, passion filled kisses and the soft moans and nonsensical sounds issuing from both Heero and myself. Heero was relentless in his fervor and I found myself gasping for oxygen. I would have never dreamed in a million years that Heero Yuy was such a good kisser. Heck, up until five minutes ago I would have never dreamed that I would be kissing Heero.   
  
I pulled up the back of Heero's shirt and snuck my hand underneath it to touch his naked skin. I gently ran my blunt nails up the smooth flesh and Heero arched his back in response. When my hands drifted back down to the small of his back I passed over a rough patch of skin. Of course, it was the scab from Heero's tazer burn. I'm not sure what compelled me to but I lightly began to circle the damaged skin with my finger. If I was causing Heero any pain he certainly didn't act like it. His hungry mouth sucked and nipped at my bottom lip.  
  
The runaway train of my passion came to a screeching halt when I felt Heero's hand slip between us and begin to pull at the button of my jeans. What are we doing? We shouldn't be doing this. Heero had just been through some very traumatic events recently and I would be doing him an injustice if I let us follow through with this act. True, my body is telling my mind to shut the fuck up but Heero isn't thinking straight. This could only lead to more problems down the road.  
  
"Heero," I say as I break away from the kiss. Heero does not respond. He instead begins to suck on my ear lobe as his hand is still trying to undo my pants. I shudder at the feeling and curse my body for its weakness. "Heero, stop," I say more forcefully. When he ignores my request for the second time I push at his shoulder and attempt to get out from under him. "Stop this right now!" I yell and give one final hard shove. I don't have the strength to throw him off of me but its enough for him to get the point. Heero stops all movement and stares down at me. For a moment there is anger and annoyance in his deep blue eyes but that quickly dissolves into what I can only imagine is shock and surprise. He pulls his weight off of me and scrambles backwards until his back hits the headboard of his bed.  
  
"Oh, God Duo, I'm sorry. I thought….I thought you wanted me to….." Heero says through gasping breaths. "When you kissed me back I thought…..oh, what have I done?" Heero buries his face in his hands.  
  
"Heero, it's okay. I just don't think we're ready to make that move to the next level yet."   
  
"I can't believe I just did that," Heero says dejectedly as he drops his hands into his lap.   
  
"Look at me, Heero," I say. He complies and looks at me from under his bangs. I scoot over so that I am right next to him. "I'm not sure why you kissed me but you did and to my utter surprise I liked it and I wanted it just as much as you did."   
  
"I probably really messed things up, haven't I?"   
  
"No, I don't think so but I am a little confused. If you had feelings for me back then why did you never say anything?" Heero sighs and assumes a more relaxed posture.  
  
"I guess it's time for some more truth, huh?" Heero's voice sounds plaintive. I nod my head in answer to his question. "I think I am in love with both of you," He states simply. "I couldn't rectify it in my head. It seemed so foreign to me to have these new feelings towards another person, let alone two. And to come to you in the middle of a war with this was out of the question. I know what you're going to say, that one person can't be in love with two people but I think I am."  
  
"Well, it just goes to show that you don't know me as well as you think because I would never say something as asinine as that. You love who you love. Love should not be bound by gender or number," I say simply. I've lived by that philosophy for years. I've been in love with women and I've been in love with men and I've never given it a second thought. "If you are looking for me to tell you that it's wrong you're going to have to look elsewhere buddy." Heero surprises me by laughing softly.  
  
"I should have known," He says with a smile. "You never do anything the normal way do you Maxwell?" I put my arm around his shoulder and pull him into a friendly hug.  
  
"You're damn right. Besides, normal is boring." Heero leans his head on my shoulder, accepting the comfort I am offering. We fall into a long comfortable silence in which neither of us moves.   
  
"I was scared when we first agreed to move in together," Heero begins. "I knew I had unresolved feelings for you and Trowa and I wasn't sure I would be able to sort them out living with each other. Then the two of you found each other. I will admit that I was ….hurt when I found out. I would see the secret smiles you would give each other and I guess I was jealous. Then this whole fucking mess had to happen and everything I thought I knew turned out to be the opposite. I misread the relationship that you and Trowa have."  
  
"Had," I reply. Heero pulls himself away to look me in the face, obviously puzzled at my remark. "I can't assume he will want to continue what we had because, let's face it, we didn't really have anything," I say to his unspoken question. "Look, Heero if you and Trowa have a chance at being happy with one another then I will back off."  
  
"But what about you? You love him too, don't you?" I hang my head and stare down at my hands. There is no point in not being honest with Heero. Things are already shaping up to be some cheesy soap opera love triangle.   
  
"Yeah, I do," I say somberly. "I suppose I didn't want to admit it to myself but I do. I don't want this to come between all of us especially since we have no idea how Trowa feels. I don't want to rain on your parade but there is the possibility that he might not have feelings for either of us."  
  
"I know," Heero says quietly. "I've been giving that a lot of thought lately. In the end if he decides that he would rather not be with me or you then that is something we will have to accept. As long as he is happy then that is all that is important."  
  
"That doesn't mean it will hurt us any less," I say with a sarcastic snort. Heero is silent for a few moments before he nods his head in agreement.   
  
"Well, this has been a very interesting day," I say as I stretch my arms above my head.   
  
"Duo, about before, I'm really sorry for taking advantage of you like that. I wasn't sure how I could let you know my feelings and I guess I thought showing you would be best and maybe that would be comforting, looks like I was wrong." Heero looks at me and I feel something stir inside me that I did not expect. Lust.   
  
Heero is very attractive. I have admired his physique on many occasions. The way those intense blue eyes stare out from those long bangs of his. I was shocked by my reactions to our little make-out session earlier. If I hadn't put an end to it when I did I probably would have had sex with him. Then I would end up where I am with Trowa and I'll be dammed if I'm going to make that mistake again. Oh, but I wanted it. Heero's body felt wonderful against mine just like Trowa's did only different. There was no mistaking the two of them in bed. Trowa's body was taller, lither than Heero's. Heero was more compact and solid, powerful. I shake my head to clear it from these thoughts. I cannot afford to be thinking along these lines. One look to the bandages on Heero's wrists is enough to annihilate my libido. Now, I feel sick for even entertaining these thoughts.   
  
"First of all, you didn't take advantage of me, Heero. And secondly, I was as much of a willing participant as you were. If things were different I would definitely like to see how far we would have taken it but we have more important things to deal with."  
  
"I know. Trowa comes first right now," Heero says with a resigned sigh. Why do I suddenly have the feeling that this is just one more wrench in the works? Seriously, I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up. I really should not be too angry with Heero for withholding information from me. He is a victim in this as much as Trowa is. I'm sure he's stumbling around in the dark too. I feel a headache starting again. What a mess this is turning into.  
  
"Speaking of which, we should wake him up now. It's time for his meds," I say as I stand up from Heero's bed.  
  
"We should also do something about dinner," Heero adds. I nod my head.  
  
"I'll wake sleeping beauty if you take care of dinner," I say. Heero smiles back at me.  
  
"Sure, is pizza okay? I don't feel like cooking," He says as he stands and straightens his clothes.  
  
"Fine with me," I say as I turn to walk to the door. I take two steps when I feel Heero's arms wrap around me from behind and pull me into a tight embrace.  
  
"Thank you, Duo for being so understanding," He whispers into my ear.  
  
"Hey, that's what friends are for," I respond.  
  
TBC………….

* * *

I know, I know you all probably want to kill me for not letting them go all the way but now is not the right time. But do not despair; good things come to those who wait. I feel bad for leaving poor Trowa out of this chapter but he will be back next time in all his angsty glory. See you next chapter. Please review. 


	9. 9

Hold Your Light- Chapter 9

* * *

_I can't let go  
  
Threadbare tapestry unwinding slow  
  
Feel a tortured brain  
  
Show your belly like you want me to  
  
_ "Got Me Wrong"- Alice in Chains

* * *

I didn't bother to knock on Trowa's door. I figured he was probably still dead to the world after this most recent round of nightmares. I quietly turned the door handle and stuck my head inside just to be on the safe side before I entered. Sure enough, Trowa was sound asleep clutching onto the pillow as if it were a life preserver.   
  
I walked over to stand at the side of his bed. It was moments like this that I could fully appreciate Trowa for the beautiful person he really was. I don't mean that on a physical level because let's be honest we all know what Trowa looks like and who couldn't appreciate that? I mean, standing here looking down at him with his face relaxed in sleep it is one of the few times you can get a real look into this young man.   
  
In my opinion you are the most honest when you are asleep. Yeah, I know that doesn't really make any sense- you're asleep, how can you be either honest or dishonest? All I can say to that is this. I've spent a lot of time watching people sleep. You would be amazed at how people express themselves while asleep. Some people talk, some people might laugh, and some people express themselves in a quieter manner. Trowa only spoke or cried out if he was having a nightmare. The rest of the time he would get this expression of deep concentration on his face. His brows would furrow and his breathing changed. I would wonder what he was dreaming about that had him so serious.  
  
He would never give me a straight answer whenever I asked him about it. If I had been asking him about one of his nightmares I would have understood his evading my questions because we had an unspoken agreement on that. I would not ask him about his nightmares and he would not ask me about mine. But he wouldn't even tell me about the harmless, bizarre dreams that we all have from time to time. You know, the ones where you're a Popsicle and you're trying to get across five lanes of traffic so that you can get a napkin because you're melting. But that just could be me.  
  
I felt a little bad about having to wake him up. This was one of the rare times where he was deep asleep for more than an hour at a time. Well, I could give him a couple of minutes more. Heero will probably be gone at least a half-hour to get dinner. I'll be generous and let the poor boy sleep. Besides, he should take the antibiotic on a full stomach anyway.  
  
I sit down on the bed as carefully as I can and try not to jostle anything. Trowa sleeps on completely unaware of my presence. I lean back against the pillows and make myself comfortable, crossing one ankle over the other as I stretch out. I glance around the room as I listen to Trowa's soft breathing and my eyes catch the framed picture on the dresser. It is one of the few items that would give any insight into the person that occupies this room. It's also the only thing in this room that I would consider decorative. Heero and Trowa both seem to have an aversion to knick-knacks. If it serves no purpose other than to be interesting to look at then they want nothing to do with it. Once a solider, always a solider I guess. I, on the other hand love my collection of odds and ends. Well, what I love more is being able to have a collection of odds and ends and to have a place to keep them all.  
  
But I'm fixated on that picture for some reason. It's a picture of Cathy and Trowa from the circus. I sit up on the bed so that I can lean forward to pick it up. It's not like I've never seen it before but I always did like looking at it. Cathy and Trowa are standing in full costume in front of their trailer, I think. The background is a little obscured. The two of them have an arm around each other's waist and seated beside Trowa is one of the large male lions, Simba? Kimba? I can't remember. I really should pay attention more. Cathy is giving a goofy, fake smile to the camera while Trowa's is more relaxed and natural. His hand is absently stroking the big cat's mane lovingly. I stare at Trowa's face a little closer. He has a look of utter contentment and seems so comfortable at that moment.   
  
I look over to the young man sleeping beside me and compare him the one in the picture. They are not the same two people. The picture in my hand was taken shortly after the incident with Marimeia. Trowa seems so at peace in this picture. It's obvious from the joy reflected in his eyes. I remember when we met up again when Wufei asked us to become Preventer agents that something was different. He seemed more distant. Not quite as bad as he was during the war but there was a definite change in him. I wonder what made him give up the serene life of the circus to go play solider again with his wartime pals. Too many questions and not enough answers.   
  
I'm interrupted from my thoughts by a muffled groan. I sit up once again and return the picture to its place on the dresser.  
  
"Tro?" I ask as I gently place my hand on his shoulder. "You okay?"  
  
"Duo?" Trowa asks as he pulls his upper body up to rest on his forearms. He tilts his head up to me and I smile down at him when our eyes meet. Trowa's hair is sticking straight up on the side of his head that was resting on the pillow. I reach out to flatten the unruly locks and Trowa recoils from my touch.   
  
"Easy," I say as I withdraw my hand. "I was just trying to fix your hair." Trowa props himself on one elbow and runs his hand through his hair and brushes his bangs back into his face. I don't know how to take his reaction. The past two days he has been fluctuating between needing, if not begging for the comfort of human contact and this icy and distant demeanor.   
  
"Sorry," Trowa mumbles weakly. I notice he avoids making eye contact with me.  
  
"Its' okay. Heero went to get us dinner and you need to take your meds so why don't we move this party to the kitchen."  
  
"Dinner? What time is it?" Trowa asks as he swipes a hand over his face and stifles a yawn.  
  
"Almost seven-thirty."   
  
"Were you in here the whole time?"   
  
"No, Heero and I left after you fell back asleep." I make a specific point to not mention the nightmare. I also make a specific point not to mention the fact that while he was in here sleeping Heero and I were tongue wrestling in the other room. I feel a pang of guilt at that thought. It almost feels like I'm cheating but Trowa and I never had anything official so technically its not. Besides, Heero and I didn't do anything other than kiss and grope each other a bit. But then why do I feel the need to keep this a secret from Trowa for a bit longer?   
  
"Oh," Trowa says quietly. He rolls his weight onto his good arm and begins to push himself up so that he can turn over onto his back but still remain in a somewhat seated position. It is easier on his ribs and back to come to a full upright position this way. It's still hard for me to watch though. I grimace as I watch this usually graceful young man struggle just to stand up. Once he is on his feet I stand and move to follow him.   
  
The collar of Trowa's shirt is pulled slightly, revealing the white gauze taped at the base of his neck. I frown again despite myself. The bite mark. Of all the wounds that mar Trowa's body this one bothers me the most and it sickens me every time I'm reminded of it. But there was already a scar there if I remember correctly. There was a small, crescent-shaped ridge of mangled flesh that I had brushed my fingers against before. Before…this happened before. Trowa was hurt before. Raped and beaten and…and…. I suddenly feel dizzy and I brace myself on the doorframe for fear of passing out.   
  
"Duo?"  
  
I raise my head to meet Trowa's questioning gaze. I reign in the melancholy that threatens to overcome me and attempt to appear nonchalant.   
  
"I'm okay," I say before he can question me. "Just a little dizzy. I must be hungry." Trowa stares at me for a moment longer. He knows I don't lie but he can tell something is not quite right with my answer. And for the record I am not lying. I'm just withholding some information. Trowa, thankfully, doesn't press me for any further explanation and we continue on down the stairs.  
  
When we reach the kitchen Heero is already there. He is standing by the small table that the vid-phone rests on. When we enter the room he looks up and greets us with a smile. Trowa doesn't return the smile but gives a small nod of his head. I wait for Trowa to sit before I grab some plates from the cabinet.   
  
"What are you doing?" I ask Heero.  
  
"Turning the ringer back on because you forgot to do it this morning," He responds with a playful scorn in his voice. I put my hands up in surrender and Heero chuckles softly. I turn back to the sink and fill a glass with water and hand it to Trowa along with his pill. He gives me a scowl before taking it from my hand. I stick my tongue out at him playfully as I open the pizza box, take out a slice, put on a plate and give it to Trowa.   
  
"There were sixteen messages," Heero says as he takes a seat at the table.  
  
"Sixteen? From who?" I ask as I set a plate down in front of him.  
  
"There was one from Sally and thirteen from Quatre. He was averaging a call once every two hours over the past twenty-four. There was also one message from Wufei saying that if we didn't want Quatre showing up on our doorstep we'd better call him back." I smile at the thought of Quatre hounding poor Wufei when we didn't return any of his calls.  
  
"Guess we should call him back then," I say. Heero nods in agreement.   
  
The meal continued in relative silence. Trowa picked at his slice, only eating a few bites. I didn't pester him given the fact that he had been nauseous most of the day. Heero and I had no problems finishing off the rest of the pie and a few slices into the other by ourselves. After finishing my last slice I sat back in my chair wishing for a cigarette and watched Trowa draw patterns on his plate with the grease that dripped off his pizza. He looks like a little boy with the way his bangs fall into his face. I decided now would be as good a time as any to broach the subject.  
  
"Hey, Tro?" I ask, trying to sound somewhat cheerful.  
  
"Yeah," He replies without looking up. I glance over to Heero who jerks his head in Trowa's direction, silently urging me to continue.  
  
"Heero and I were thinking, that is if it's okay with you, that maybe you would like one of us to stay with you at night. You know, in case you start to have a… bad dream." As the words are leaving my mouth I realize that my phrasing could have been better.   
  
Trowa lifts his head slowly. He looks at me for a moment before turning his gaze to Heero. His eyes are slightly narrowed but his face gives away no other emotion. Trowa casually reaches up a long fingered hand to brush his bangs out of his eyes and sits up a little straighter in his chair.   
  
"You both decided this?" He asks in a flat voice.   
  
"Well, no we didn't decide on anything. It was just an idea that we thought might help," I answer.  
  
"I don't need a babysitter."  
  
"No one is saying that you do. We thought you might like the comfort of having someone else there with you," Heero says. "Like you and Duo did for each other," He adds a few seconds later. I feel my stomach clench because I know what is about to happen. Trowa immediately whips his head in my direction and I swear I can feel the heat coming from his green eyes. I smile weakly at him in an attempt to diffuse the situation.  
  
"You told him," Trowa says. The tone in his voice is icy but very controlled. I chuckle guiltily.  
  
"Well, no I didn't. He found out all by himself. It seems the walls in this house are not a thick as we originally thought." Trowa levels his gaze at Heero who does not buckle under it.  
  
"I see," Trowa responds dryly.  
  
"If you are thinking I disapprove, Trowa you're wrong," Heero interjects.  
  
"No, I'm sure you don't. I'm sure it provided you with hours of entertainment," Trowa says with the slightest hint of contempt in his voice. I don't think I could have been more surprised at the words that fell from his mouth than if he reached over and stabbed Heero with a fork.   
  
"Trowa! That was uncalled for," I say trying to contain my shock. Trowa gives a noncommittal shrug of his shoulders. I look over at Heero and he has a much more guarded expression on his face but I can tell that he is debating whether or not to challenge that remark.   
  
"I don't need a babysitter,' Trowa repeats.  
  
"Obviously, sorry for bringing it up," I say sarcastically. Boy, did that go disastrously. I don't know what I was expecting to happen. Well, yes I do. I was expecting Trowa to realize that he needs help and to graciously embrace the help we were offering. Apparently this is going to be much harder than I thought. He's withdrawing. I can literally almost see it happening right here in front of me.  
  
"Who was the other message from, Heero," Trowa asks, switching topics rather abruptly.  
  
"What?" Heero asks obviously caught off guard by the change.  
  
"You said there were sixteen messages. One was from Sally, one was Wufei, and thirteen were from Quatre. Who was the other message from?" Trowa asks in an eerily calm manner. I look at Heero. His blue eyes widened at Trowa's question momentarily but then his jaw set in what I imagine is reluctance.  
  
"Une," Heero answers after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.  
  
"And what did she want?" Trowa asks calmly. I can see Heero grit his teeth before answering.  
  
"She wanted to know if we had any luck convincing you to undergo psychiatric treatment."  
  
"And what do you plan on telling her?" Trowa asks as he crosses his arms over his chest. His voice is devoid of any emotion. I notice that Heero and Trowa have yet to break eye contact.   
  
"Well, I guess that remains to be seen," Heero responds in a somewhat challenging manner. The corner of Trowa's mouth twitches.  
  
"No, it doesn't. You can tell her that I do not need any help and if that causes a problem with my employment than she can terminate it."  
  
"Trowa, don't you think you're being unreasonable?" I ask.  
  
"No Duo, I don't. I can get through this on my own," Trowa replies evenly.  
  
"Because you've done such a great job of it in the past," I say angrily. Trowa's eyes widen.  
  
"You told him didn't you?" Trowa growls at Heero in barely controlled rage.   
  
"I thought he deserved to know," Heero calmly responds.  
  
"Who the hell gave you the right to divulge personal details of my life?" Trowa screams at Heero. I feel like I should be saying something but I'm frozen where I sit. I don't know who I should be defending. Heero is visibly floundering under Trowa's anger.   
  
"I thought…..," Heero begins but struggles to find the right words.  
  
"No, you didn't think and that's the problem," Trowa interrupts, his voice laced with venom. After glaring at Heero one last time he turns to me. His expression softens slightly and for a moment I think he is going to say something to me. But he instead sighs heavily, stands unsteadily and limps out of the kitchen.   
  
Heero and I exchange equally perplexed looks before we get up to go follow him. We catch up with Trowa at the foot of the staircase in time to see his knees buckle and him collapse. We are at his side immediately. He is trembling and his breathing is erratic. When I try and touch him he flinches and curls himself into a ball.  
  
"Easy Tro, calm down," I say as I rub his back soothingly.  
  
"I…I didn't want you to know," Trowa says with gasping breaths. He is starting to hyperventilate.  
  
"It's okay. It doesn't matter," I answer.  
  
"Yes….it….does. I…didn't…want …you to know…how…how…ruined I am."  
  
TBC……….

* * *

Next chapter a special guest appearance from Quatre! Thank you Fiery-Icicles for your reviewes and those who have not reviewed but are reading. I love feedback, please let me know what you guys are thinking. See you next chapter. 


	10. 10

Hold Your Light- Chapter 10

* * *

_Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved  
  
See my heart I decorate it like a grave  
  
You don't understand who they thought I was supposed to be  
  
Look at me now a man who won't let himself be  
_  
"Down in a Hole"- Alice in Chains

* * *

"Never Trowa…I would never think that of you," I say to the trembling boy. I look up to Heero who has situated himself on the opposite side of Trowa. He looks at me with wide blue eyes, clearly confused as to what he should be doing.  
  
"We have to calm him down," I whisper to Heero. If he keeps breathing this hard, Trowa could do more damage to his injured ribs. Heero nods his head, a little unsure. I can't blame him because I have no clue as to how we are going to accomplish this. I gently place my hand on the back of Trowa's head in what I hope is a comforting gesture and lean down so that I don't have to speak so loud.   
  
"Trowa. Calm down. Please, we need you to calm down and breathe," I say softly. I slowly move the hand I had placed on the back of Trowa's head through his hair. I glance back to Heero and jerk my head in Trowa's direction, indicating that he should do something. For a moment he looks fearful but then reaches out to place a tentative hand on Trowa's shoulder.  
  
"You need to slow your breathing, Trowa," Heero begins sternly. "You are hyperventilating. If you don't try and relax you will pass out." Well, that's not quite what I had in mind but Trowa definitely took notice. He immediately began to slow his inhalations. His breath still hitched every once in a while but he seemed to be quieting. Leave it to Heero to order someone out of a panic attack.   
  
Trowa was still leaning forward with his arms wrapped tightly around his body. His long bangs were almost completely covering his face. After a few minutes had passed, he was able to take deep breaths without too much trouble. Heero and I kept caressing him reassuringly and whispering soothing words.   
  
"Are you okay now?" I ask. I see some of the tension in Trowa's back and shoulders loosen. He uncurls himself slightly but keeps his head bowed down. He hasn't answered my question yet and I try to get him to look at me or at least acknowledge that he heard me.  
  
"Don't touch me!" Trowa says angrily as he rears up straight, throwing out his elbow to knock Heero's hand from his shoulder. Not expecting the move, surprisingly, Heero catches the elbow directly on his mouth. There was enough force behind it to send the blue-eyed boy backwards. I barely have enough time to dodge the one sent in my direction and manage to get a hold on Trowa's arm. He turns to face me, his greens eyes are furious.  
  
"Tro, what's the deal? Why are you-?" I begin but Trowa yanks hard and pulls out of the loose grasp I had him in.  
  
"I don't want you touching me. Leave me alone….I don't need your help!" He yells at me. I'm too stunned to speak. I don't think I've ever seen Trowa this mad and this out of control with it. And I have certainly never been on the receiving end of it.  
  
"Just leave me alone," Trowa adds much quieter as he slowly rises to his feet, using the wall for support. I let him do it by himself and stand up with him. I glance over my shoulder and see Heero still seated on the floor. He has his hand to his bloodied lip and is gingerly pressing at it. His eyes meet mine and then look to Trowa's back and then to mine once again. He is clearly mystified by what just happened.   
  
"Tro, I'm not going to stop caring about you just because you were…hurt before," I say and then curse myself internally. I just can't bring myself to say out loud that Trowa had been raped. I guess if I don't say it then somehow it won't be real. I wish to whatever gods there are that it wasn't real. Funny, that reminds me of something Solo used to say.   
  
_You can wish in one hand and shit in the other, you'll see which one gets filled first_.  
  
Damn, I miss him some times.   
  
"No, no, no. We are not talking about this now…or ever," Trowa says as he shakes his head in denial.   
  
"Tro," I try again, a little petulantly but he cuts me off with a wave of his hand.   
  
"This matter is no longer open for discussion," Trowa says smoothly, the control back in his voice. He turns from me and begins walking up the stairs. I open my mouth in an aborted attempt to say something further but he looks over his shoulder and glares at me. I snap my mouth shut with an audible click. Trowa looks over to where Heero is still sitting and his expression changes briefly. For a moment I thought I saw regret touch his features but it quickly fades and he turns to continue up the staircase.   
  
God, I'm so frustratingly angry. I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark here. One minute Trowa is fine, the next he's not. He'll switch from crying on my shoulder one second to threatening to kill me if I touch him. Well, maybe not that bad but it's getting to be re-goddamn-diculous. I can't keep up with the mood swings. He's only been home from the hospital- what? One day and already he's had us all on one hell of a roller coaster ride. Not good, this is not good.   
  
I extend my hand out for Heero and help him to his feet. "Let me take a look," I say as I reach out to touch his injured lip. "Yup, he got you real good. You're going to have a fat lip."  
  
"He was so upset. I didn't know what I should be doing," Heero says quietly. "I…wasn't expecting him to lash out at us like that." I snort sarcastically.   
  
"Me neither. I don't know but I think he's angrier with himself than he is with us; we're just a convenient outlet for him."  
  
"Yes, I was reading something about that," Heero states calmly. "Many victims of violence act out against those who are trying to help them because they feel inadequate and helpless. They feel that they are regaining a measure of control if they refuse assistance."  
  
"That's Tro to a tee," I say as I roll my eyes. "So, you've been doing some research?" Heero looks away, embarrassed.  
  
"I was looking for a way to help so I went online to find more information on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I want to help him," He says shyly. It's so sweet I think I'm getting cavities from it. I smile in spite of myself.   
  
"Me too, buddy. Me too," I say as I wrap an arm around his shoulders in a friendly hug. Our little moment is cut short by the shrill ringing of our phone in the kitchen.   
  
"Christ, who the hell can that be?" I curse. Heero makes a move to go answer it but I stop him. "Go take care of your lip. I'll get it."  
  
I stomp into the kitchen and press the speaker button on the vid-phone. I purposely avoid hitting the camera on. Whoever it is doesn't need to see what I look like.  
  
"Maxwell," I say gruffly. There is a second of silence before a cautious voice replies.  
  
"Duo?" I would recognize that voice anywhere.  
  
"Hey, Quatre."  
  
"Oh, thank Allah. Where the hell have you three been? I've been trying to reach you forever." I chuckle.  
  
"Yeah, I know. Thirteen messages. A little overkill don't you think?" I hear an exasperated sigh on the other end.  
  
"I was worried. I thought something might have happened…why am I on speaker? Switch the vid on."  
  
I take a seat in the chair by the phone stand and press the video display button. Quatre's image appears on the view screen. From the looks of things he is in his office sitting at his desk. I can see daylight filtering in through the large picture windows behind him. I forgot that it's mid-morning on L-4. He still looks the same. Three years haven't done much other than give him a few inches in height. He still has that baby face.   
  
"Well, I guess I don't need to ask how you're doing," Quatre says after getting one look at me.  
  
"That bad, huh?" Quatre smiles slightly.  
  
"You look really tired. I don't imagine the last two days have been easy on you. How are they doing?" Quatre's voice softens with the question. I sigh heavily.  
  
"Physically, Heero's fine. His injuries were pretty much superficial and even if they weren't I don't think anything short of losing a limb would be enough to keep him down." Quatre gives a knowing chuckle. "Trowa on the other hand is a bit more…damaged. He has a concussion, broken left wrist, two broken ribs, one nasty looking black-eye, and his back was torn to shreds by a psycho with a scalpel."  
  
"By Allah," Quatre gasps. "Wufei said it was bad but he refused to go into any of the details." I find myself feeling very relieved that Wufei didn't tell Quatre everything. If me finding out what had happened was enough to send Trowa into a complete meltdown, I do not want to find out what he would do if Quatre knew.   
  
"Yeah, well the doc was really good. He thinks the scars won't as noticeable as before. Given time they will fade and stuff-"  
  
"Before?" Quatre interrupts.   
  
Oh shit. I can't believe I just let that slip. I'm such a fucking idiot.   
  
"Uh, yeah…He had some old scars on his back and when the doctor was stitching up his new injuries he was able to incorporate some of the old scar tissue so they should appear less obvious," I say, hoping that Quatre doesn't press further. The blonde is silent for a few heartbeats.  
  
"That's good, I suppose. Duo, why do I get the feeling that there is something you all are hiding? I don't want to take it personally but it seems like everyone has the inside information but me. I tried getting Wufei to open up but you know how he can be. I'd probably get more information talking to a boulder than him when he's in 'need to know basis' mode."   
  
"Quat, look it's nothing personal so please don't take it that way. It's just that…something happened. Something pretty bad and we're still in shock around here. We're trying to figure out where to go from here and Trowa…doesn't want anyone to know. So, you see I can't tell you because if he wants you to know then he has to tell you himself." There is silence again and I see the contemplative look in Quatre's eyes.  
  
"Something bad happened?" Quatre asks. I nod my head.   
  
"To Trowa?" I nod my head again. Quatre falls quiet once again.   
  
"Quatre," I begin, trying to fill the awkward silence. "Please don't be angry with us."  
  
"I'm not angry, Duo. I must admit that I feel a little slighted that you would exclude one of your friends but I'm not angry. If this is something that personal then you are correct, it should come from Trowa. Do you think he will talk with me?" I give a disheartened sigh.  
  
"I don't know. Right now I would have to say definitely, no. Maybe in time he'll open up but things are still too fresh and he's closing himself off."  
  
"That's not good," Quatre says. I can hear the disappointment in his voice more than I can see it on his face.   
  
"He's refusing professional help. In fact, he became very agitated the last time Heero and I brought it up." Agitated is an understatement but I can't let Quatre in on too much.  
  
"Give it some more time. Perhaps he will be more receptive in a few days. If you try and force him into it you'll probably succeed in pissing him off more. But if what happened is as bad as you are making it seem then he is going to need more than you and Heero can provide." I nod my head in agreement.  
  
"Heero is at least willing to seek out counseling," I say dejectedly.   
  
"That doesn't surprise me. Heero can admit when he's overwhelmed and will take the necessary steps to find a solution. Perhaps Trowa will follow his example."  
  
"One can hope."  
  
"Listen, you look absolutely beat so why don't we cut this short. I'll give you guys a call in a few days but please don't hesitate to call me if you need anything."  
  
"Sure thing, Quat."  
  
"I mean it Duo. If there is anything I can do to help please let me know."  
  
"I know and I will." Quatre gives a small nod of understanding.  
  
"I'll talk to you in a few days, Duo. Give my regards to Heero and Trowa."  
  
"I will. Later, Quatre." The screen blacks out as I disconnected the call.  
  
I cover my face with my hands and moan. I hate myself for having to withhold information from Quatre like that. He cares about Trowa just as much as we all do but I'm pretty sure our green-eyed friend would not be too happy with me if I told. Damn it, Trowa why do you have to be such a pig-headed bastard when all we want is to see you get through this?   
  
I am just about to stand up to leave when the phone rings again. What did Quatre forget to tell me? I reach out and not thinking about it, press the video display. It's not Quatre's face that greets me. It's Catherine's.   
  
"Oh, Hi Duo," She greets me in a friendly voice. "I was wondering if Trowa was around." I immediately panic. Why did she have to call now?  
  
"Uh, yeah but he's asleep," I say hoping she satisfied with that answer. It is most likely the truth so I'm not lying to her.  
  
"Your right, it is kind of late. I always forget about the time difference."  
  
"I'll tell him you called," I say. I feel myself relax a little.  
  
"Thanks that would be great."  
  
"No prob. It was good talking to you, Cathy," I say and am about to disconnect the call when she speaks again.  
  
"Is he alright, Duo?" Catherine's voice has an unease that I've never heard before.   
  
"Why do you ask?" I employ the old answer a question with a question diversion tactic. Which, by the way I am the master of.  
  
"It's kind of silly really," She says as she looks away with a slight flush to her cheeks. "I don't know but I got this weird feeling the other day like something happened to him. Then I heard on the news that there was an incident where a few Preventer agents were killed and I was really scared that he was one of them. I figured I would have been notified if he had been killed but that didn't stop me from worrying."  
  
"That's not silly at all. He's not dead," I choose my words very carefully. I also debate whether or not to tell her that he had been injured. I decide it's better to wait and see rather than open that can of worms.  
  
"Well, that's a relief. I know my bone-head of a brother isn't stupid enough to go and get himself killed without telling me."   
  
I smile at her wit. I've always liked Catherine. She and I always get into some of the most heated arguments whenever we're together for more than five minutes. We both are opinionated and not afraid to show it.   
  
"I'll tell him you called," I tell her, hiding behind my smile.   
  
"Thanks, Duo." Catherine replies with a warm smile of her own and I disconnect the call.  
  
If I thought I felt bad after Quatre's call, I feel twice as bad now. This is killing me. From now on Heero is handling all the phone calls. I can't lie to people and it's becoming harder to stretch the truth.   
  
I get up from the chair and make my way upstairs. I pause in the hallway outside Trowa's room. The light is off and the room is silent. As much as I want to go in and see if he's alright I know he will not appreciate it. He said he doesn't want my help so I have to respect his wishes. I continue on to my room. Before I enter I glance down to Heero's room. His door is closed but I can see the light spilling out from under it. I would like to talk to him but I'm too tired. It can wait until the morning. I enter my room and fall face first on my bed. I don't even bother to take my clothes off. I close my eyes and I am asleep almost immediately.  
  
I am awaked a few hours later by Trowa's panicked shout. I scramble up from bed and race to the door. When my hand closes around the door knob my sleep-muddle mind catches up. Trowa doesn't want us to help or comfort him. I open my door and turn to see Heero standing in his own doorway. He looks like he's ready to kill something or cry his eyes out.  
  
I silently shake my head from side to side at him. He reads my message loud and clear- As much as we want to we cannot go in there. Heero holds my gaze for a few more seconds before quietly backing into his room and shutting the door.   
  
Because my room is across the hall from Trowa's I can hear the ragged breathing and heart-wrenching sobbing coming from the auburn haired young man. I choke on my own tears and my lungs ache with longing. But even though I want nothing more than to rush into that room and hold Trowa in my arms, I step back into my room and close the door behind me.  
  
TBC…………….

* * *

Whew! Ten chapters and I've only covered one day. Thank you to firey-icicles, Snoggitz, and Chibi Master for your reviews. And as always to everyone who is reading. See everyone next chapter! 


	11. 11

Hold Your Light- Chapter 11

* * *

_My shadow's shedding skin  
  
I've been picking scabs again.  
  
I'm down, digging through  
  
My own muscle looking for a clu_e  
  
"46 & 2" – Tool

* * *

I've been sitting in the window of my bedroom for a couple of hours now, smoking and thinking. There is a nice breeze and the air smells fresh and clean. I really should try to sleep but I gave up on that after the first time Trowa woke up. The smoke from my cigarette coils around my head like a serpent as I exhale. I don't feel like doing much of anything right now, so I just sit here and stare down into our backyard.   
  
The sun is just beginning to rise and if I had the energy to care about it, I might sit here and sigh and marvel at its beauty. But I don't care. I don't care about the fact that the grass in our backyard needs to be trimmed or that our next-door neighbor's new puppy dug a hole under our fence again. I don't care that my room looks like a tornado went through it or the fact that I need to do laundry or- shit!   
  
I yelp as the cigarette I had forgotten burns down to my fingers. I bring the wounded digit up to my mouth and suck on it as I angrily stub out what was left of the butt on the window sill. I climb out of the window and flop down on the bed, noting dimly that I need to change the sheets, too. My ass had fallen asleep from sitting in one position for too long and was now getting all pins and needles on me. I must say it's a bizarre feeling. I roll onto my back, cross my arms behind my head and listen to the silence of the house.   
  
Earlier in the night, Trowa had woken up two more times. His sobs didn't last as long each time, the exhaustion taking its toll on him. Not that it really matters, because every whimper, every snivel was a knife in my gut. It took every ounce of willpower I had but I didn't get up from the window when he cried out that final time, though I did hear the distinct sound of Heero's door opening and closing.  
  
Heero.  
  
I don't know what to think about him. He's normally so steady, so together. I guess the whole situation has him in a tailspin, just like me. I need to remember that he's hurting too.   
  
He tried to seduce me.   
  
I haven't really had a moment to think about that. One minute he's telling me that he's been harboring feelings for Trowa since the wars, and then in the next breath he's telling me that he wants me, too. What the hell is that all about? Then what do I do when he kisses me? I kiss him back. That was_ so_ appropriate of me. But why? Why did he do it?   
  
I get up from the bed and pace back and forth across my room. I'm angry, I suddenly realize. How dare he put me in a situation like this. What would have happened if I hadn't stopped him and we ended up having sex? A quick fuck and everything would have been better?   
  
After the fifth or sixth lap around my room I find myself storming out and stomping loudly down the hall to Heero's door. I don't even knock, just turn the knob and throw the door open. I stand at the foot of Heero's bed glaring, ignoring the gun trained on my forehead. A few moments later, Heero clicks the safety back on and stows it underneath his pillow. He is laying on top of his blankets in nothing but his boxers and a pair of socks. I get the distinct impression that he was not asleep.  
  
"You do realize what time it is, don't you?" He asks dryly. The light from the hallway casts the room in strange shadows. I am unable to see Heero's face and I want to look him in the eye. I reach over to the wall and flick the light switch. Heero flinches at the abrupt change and brings a hand up to shield his eyes.   
  
"What the hell were you thinking before?" I yell at him.   
  
"Before when?" He asks calmly. His eyes are still squinted against the light.  
  
"When you were trying to get in my pants. What did you think that was going to accomplish?"   
  
Heero gives a long-suffering sigh and drops his hand in his lap. "Must we do this now? Can't it wait until morning?"  
  
"News flash, Heero. It_ is_ morning and no, it can't wait," I say sarcastically. Heero sighs again and pulls himself up so that he is sitting cross-legged.  
  
"Fine, shut the door," he responds gruffly. I do so and then sit down on the end of his bed.  
  
"I don't know what to say, Duo," Heero begins. There is a hint of frustration in his voice. "I tried to explain before. I don't know what more you could want to know."  
  
"I just want to know why, Heero," I say a little calmer. He looks at me as though I've asked for the impossible. I close my eyes and rub my hand against my forehead, trying to ease some of the pressure that is building.  
  
"I can field strip a rifle in under thirty seconds," Heero says. I open my eyes again to look to him for an explanation. His eyebrows are knit with deep concentration as he struggles to find words to match his emotions. "I can take out a fleet of mobile dolls or hack into just about any security system I've ever encountered. I can also kill a man with my bare hands but this…this I can't do." Heero's voice is flat but there is an edge of irritation to it. I look down to his hand which he has tightened into a fist and then up to his face and I wonder what these things have to do with the question I asked.  
  
"I failed my mission," He tells me in a monotone. The weight of those four words is palpable in this small room and my eyes widen in astonishment. Anyone that knows Heero knows how focused he is when it comes to a mission. Focused is a gross understatement, actually. Once given a mission, Heero will see it through to the end, always. For him to make such an admission is…is…I don't think I could even describe the magnitude of such a statement.   
  
"I failed Trowa," Heero says breathlessly, defeated. My chest tightens in response. My anger dissolved, leaving sorrow in its place.   
  
"Heero…," I begin, but whatever I was about to say dies on my tongue. I regret coming to talk with him.   
  
"What do you want from me?" He groans as he clutches his head in his hands. I want to answer him, I really do, but I can't get the words out. There is silence between us for a few minutes and I notice that the grip Heero has on his hair has tightened. His mind must be going a thousand miles an hour right now.   
  
Sitting here next to Heero, you can almost forget just how lethal he can be when he wants you to. That is, until he strikes. I saw the movement out of the corner of my eye and just as my brain started to process it he had my upper arms in a vice grip and turned me to face him. I open my mouth in an attempt to speak but Heero's fingers tighten and I can only manage a startled squeak. I am completely shocked by his aggression towards me.   
  
"What more could you possibly want?" He growls as he pulls me closer. "I told you everything I can."   
  
I made a futile attempt to try and twist out of his grasp but there was no breaking Heero's iron grip. "Heero, you're hurting me," I gasp out. He either chooses to ignore me or is too angry to care because his fingers tighten to the point where I'm starting to hear bones creak. My survival instincts kick into overdrive and I bring my leg up to plant my foot on Heero's chest in order to push him off of me. It's like trying to move a brick wall and Heero uses the opportunity my shift in weight has given him to push me backwards onto the bed.   
  
"Heero, knock it off! What the fuck are you doing?" I yell as I thrash around trying to get him to let go. Heero straddles my hips but remains on his knees, leaving most of his weight on my upper arms. I buck and kick my legs out ineffectually as he glares down at me.   
  
"What am _I_ doing?" Heero snarls incredulously. "I trying to do the best I can. Everyone keeps telling me to talk about what I'm feeling and not to keep it inside. Well, right now I feel like putting a bullet in the head of every single person who so much as thought unsavory things about Trowa. Can you talk me through that, Duo?" Heero says with a sneer in his voice.  
  
"Heero….I….I…" I stammer. If I say the wrong thing now I'm done for. With the state that he is in, Heero could easily reduce me to a stain on the rug and not think twice about it.   
  
"I didn't think so," He says flatly as he hauls me upright and unceremoniously pushes me off the bed and onto the floor. I land hard on my tailbone and grunt as the wind is knocked out of my lungs momentarily. I look up to Heero and see him ever so calmly lean against the headboard and cross his arms across his chest.  
  
"Now that we're done playing questions and answers you can get out," Heero says as he frowns at me. I am about to stand and leave this room as fast as possible when my stubborn side reminds me that Heero still has not answered the question I asked.   
  
"You still didn't answer the question," I say as I cross my arms over my chest just to mock Heero. My arms are still aching from where he grabbed me. Bastard. I'll probably be bruised too. I'm pressing my luck, I know. Heero is obviously at the end of his rope and if I keep at him he could lash out at me again. But if I'm one thing, I'm tenacious to a fault.   
  
"Christ, Duo! I'm sorry," Heero yells in desperation. "I was sorry then and I'm sorry now. It was a mistake. Is that what you want to hear?"  
  
"Yes and no, Heero," I answer hesitantly. "I think there is more to it than that and when you figure it out you can let me know." I climb to my feet and slowly take a few steps towards the door. Heero watches every move I make with narrowed eyes. I turn back to face him as my hand grasps the doorknob. "I think I wanted it because I was feeling so overwhelmed and I think part of me wanted to comfort you at the same time. It doesn't really make sense, does it?" I say with a quiet laugh. Heero's expression softens but he does not answer. Not that I expected him to. "Sorry I bothered you," I say as I pull open the door and step into the hall.   
  
"Duo, wait….I…," Heero blurts out just as I was about to close the door behind me. I pause and cock my head to the side in order to meet his gaze. He sits up a little straighter now that he has my attention. "I think I wanted that too," He says timidly. "I'm not sure really, but I know I want this pain I feel to stop." Heero rubs his palm over his chest roughly; as if that can ease the heartbreak he is experiencing.   
  
I nod my head in agreement and a sad smile touches my lips. Seeing Heero so vulnerable is definitely new to me. People tend to label him as unemotional but I think that's not a fair assessment. I think that he is just so disciplined that he can separate his emotions from his reasoning and actions. Brutally calculating, yes, but not without emotion. Whether or not that is a talent to be embraced is debatable, but I think he just doesn't know any other way. But you can't use reason or logic when it comes to how you feel about something and I believe this is what has Heero so confused.   
  
"I know you do," I respond. "We all want to stop feeling this way but it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon. We just have to take things one step at a time," I say with a shrug. Heero relaxes slightly and shakes his head. "Go to sleep, I'll see you later." And with that I close the door behind me, and head back to my room.  
  
This time when I throw myself on my bed, I made sure to take off my shirt and jeans first. The sun has almost risen completely and I can hear the birds chirping off in the distance. As I drift into sleep, I remark to myself that having a silent house is not such a bad thing, especially when it means that everyone is resting peacefully…I hope.   
  
TBC……..

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Feedback is like catnip….please feed the kitty. Updates will be slower now that I have less time. The next chapter should hopefully be up in a few days. Thank you for all of the reviews so far, they are very inspiring. See you all next chapter. 


	12. 12

Hold Your Light- Chapter 12

* * *

_Finger deep within the borderline  
  
Show me that you love me and that we belong together  
  
Relax, turn around and take my hand  
_  
"Stinkfist" -Tool

* * *

I hate mornings. I especially hate mornings that follow a night of little to no sleep. I force my eyes to open and look at the clock on my nightstand. It's almost noon. I roll onto my back with a groan. I really, really hate mornings that aren't even mornings when you've slept them away without any rest. Is it possible to wake up more tired than you were before you fell asleep? I think I just discovered that yes, it's quite possible.  
  
I somehow manage to talk my body into sitting upright and throwing off the covers. Oh, what new and exciting adventures await me today? Perhaps another ride on the old emotional rollercoaster, hmm? Yes, because we haven't had enough of _that _in the last forty-eight hours. I wipe a hand over my face. Damn, when did I become such a cynic?  
  
I stand up and stretch my arms over my head, feeling my shoulders and back pop at the strain. It eases some of the tension but not all. My mouth tastes foul and if it's strong enough for _me_ to notice, then my breath could probably peel wallpaper. I grab my cigarettes and lighter off the nightstand and head to the bathroom to do something about it.  
  
I light a cigarette as soon as I close the bathroom door behind me and inhale deeply. There's nothing like the first cigarette of the day. The next best thing is the cigarette after a meal. And even better still, is the cigarette after sex. Trowa would sometimes let me smoke in bed. Granted, it was only if we were in my room, but it was still nice to lay there in post-coital bliss and indulge in one of my vices. I stare at my reflection in the mirror and curve my lips into a wry, little smile. The cigarette dangles precariously out of the corner of my mouth. It's strange. With everything that's happened recently, moments like those seem like they happened in another lifetime. I get the same feeling when I think about the wars sometimes. It's almost like those experiences happened to someone else, not me, but I still have all the memories. Like a vivid dream that stays with you long after you wake up.  
  
I reach up and clasp the cigarette between my index and middle fingers and remove it from my lips. Eyeing the dark stubble on my cheeks, I lean in closer to the mirror. I think the last time I shaved was two days ago, and the hair has grown enough to become noticeable. I could be lazy and let it grow, but my facial hair comes in rather patchy and I look absolutely ridiculous. I bring the cigarette up to my mouth to take another drag. My eyes follow the movement of my right arm in the mirror and I gasp as I take stock of what my arm looks like.  
  
"Holy shit!" I say out loud to no one. Around my bicep is a perfect band of bruised skin. There are four distinct lines from where each of Heero's fingers dug into my flesh. There are identical marks on my left arm. Well, at least I have a matched pair. I know I should be angry with Heero for lashing out at me with physical violence, but I can't, because I know exactly how he feels. Don't get me wrong, I'm pissed that he hurt me, but it's a different kind of anger. Heero has been letting all the frustration and guilt over what happened to Trowa build up inside him and he needed to release some of that tension. Unfortunately, I had to go and provoke him into releasing it on me. I guess in the long run, a couple of bruises are worth it if it helps Heero deal with all this.  
  
I take the last drag from my cigarette and toss the butt into the toilet. The faint, bone-deep pain throbs in my arms as I vigorously brush my teeth. I don't know why I'm always amazed at Heero's strength. I mean, I watched him set his own broken leg, for crying out loud. It's rather amusing that for all Heero's superior physical and mental capabilities, he's practically an infant when it comes to simple human emotion and social interaction. Doctor J was not as thorough in his training as he could have been. But then again, Heero was a weapon, a tool, as we all were. What need would he have for such things? We were all expendable in the end, weren't we? It's a sobering thought, but back then I didn't care if I lived to see the next day. I had nothing to live for, so it didn't matter. It's crazy what a couple of years can do to alter your perspective on things.  
  
I open the medicine cabinet and grab one of my "girly" hairclips, as Trowa likes to call them, to pin my braid up so it won't get wet. He teased me when he first saw me with them. I tried to explain to him that it was hard to find clips that were big enough to hold all my hair that weren't in some god-awful colors. So what if they're purple? I happen to like that color. I turn on the taps in the shower and don't bother to wait for the water to warm up before I step in. I'm counting on the shock of the cold water to jumpstart my body, and it doesn't disappoint. I have to bite down on my tongue to keep from shrieking. I wash myself once the water has reached a tolerable temperature and cast aside my laziness and shave. I keep a small mirror in the shower for such occasions. Trowa and Heero both balked at the idea of shaving while in the shower, but I know for a fact that they have both used my little shaving mirror. Trowa used it in my presence once on one of the rare times we took a shower together. Seems they are both immune to a few of my Maxwellisms, as I like to call them, and besides, it saves a lot of time.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, I'm dressed in the last pair of clean underwear I have, the same jeans I had on yesterday, and a light blue T- shirt I'm pretty sure was clean. I suppose laundry will be my chore for the day. I wearily gaze around the disaster that is known as my room. Okay, laundry and then I'll straighten up in here. My stomach grumbles loudly, so I take the hint and walk downstairs, barefoot. I notice that the door to Trowa's room is still closed as I walk by. I wonder if he has had anything to eat yet. I enter the kitchen and find that it is empty. The coffee maker is still on and there is a fresh pot waiting for me, most likely left there by Heero. I pour myself a mug and load it with milk and sugar. As I sip it carefully, I hear a strange metal clang from somewhere outside. I open the backdoor and spot Heero sitting on the grass just past the steps of the back deck. He's surrounded by all different types of engine parts, from the looks of things. I open the door and step outside to investigate. As I near my fellow housemate, I realize what it is that he's working on. It's the lawnmower.  
  
"Hey," Heero says dryly as I approach. He barely meets my eyes before he turns back to his project. His hands are grimy with grease and dirt and there is a large smudge on his forehead from where he probably wiped his hair out of his eyes. His bottom lip is still slightly swollen and I notice that he keeps running his tongue over it every so often.  
  
"Problem with the lawnmower?" I ask as I take another sip of my coffee.  
  
"Fuel line was clogged," he answers without looking up.  
  
"And that necessitated taking the whole thing apart?" Heero looks up at me as though there was a challenge in that question and his eyes narrow at me from under his long bangs. "I was just curious if anything else was wrong," I say quickly, diffusing the situation with an easy smile. Heero turns back to his work without comment. "Do you know if Trowa ate anything yet?" I ask after a few minutes.  
  
"Earlier... I brought him juice and toast with the orange marmalade he likes so much. I made sure he took his antibiotic as well," Heero answers as he attaches the flywheel to the crankshaft.  
  
"Trowa likes marmalade?" I say into my mug. Heero stops and looks up at me, eyes slightly widened in surprise.  
  
"He loves it. He puts it on everything. You didn't know that?" he asks me as if that was the most important piece of information to know about Trowa.  
  
"Guess I never noticed," I say with a shrug. Heero stares at me for a few seconds, seemingly surprised by my lack of knowledge and then lowers his eyes. I follow his downward glance and notice that it stops briefly on the darkened skin just visible under the short sleeves of my shirt.  
  
"I did that," Heero says softly, jerking his head in my direction. It's not so much a question, more like a statement, or perhaps an admission of guilt. I look to my arm and nod slowly back to him. I can tell that he is trying to gauge my reaction to this in order to see how he should proceed. When I do not say anything, he looks back down to the parts in his lap. "I didn't mean to let my anger get out of control like that. It won't happen again."  
  
"Okay," I answer carefully. I know it's the closest to an apology I will get from Heero, so I take what I can get. I stand there for a few more minutes, silently watching Heero reassemble the carburetor. "Do you want any help?"  
  
"No, I'm almost finished." He doesn't look up at me but I can see that my presence must be upsetting to him in some manner. There is tension in the muscles of his arm and he is tightening the bolts with a little more vehemence than necessary. It doesn't escape my notice that he keeps glancing up at me through his bangs. I guess he's waiting for me to do or say something.  
  
"Well, I'm going to get myself something to eat. Do you want anything?" I say. The only response I get from Heero is a head nod in the negative. I turn to head back into the house, leaving Heero with his project. I know why he decided to dismantle the mower this morning and why I should let him do it in peace. The mower is a tangible thing; he can hold it in his hands. Something was wrong with it and he dissected it, ascertained the problem, and fixed it. If only it was that easy to fix a broken friend. Then perhaps we could all move past this and be done with it.

* * *

I'm in the middle of slathering mayonnaise on my turkey sandwich when I hear a soft shuffle behind me. I turn from the kitchen counter to see Trowa standing just inside the doorway. He looks like...well; he looks like what you would expect someone who'd been raped and brutalized and who probably hadn't slept at all last night to look like. The word haggard doesn't quite cover it. Trowa's hair looks dull and hangs over his eyes like a dead animal pelt. His eyes are puffy and bloodshot but his shiner is looking better. It's starting to fade from a blue-purple to a yellowish- green. As he moves around the table, I note his shoulders are slightly hunched over.  
  
"Hey, Tro," I say. He raises his head and gives me a small nod. I don't know if I should inquire if he's feeling okay. He woke up screaming three times last night, and when you have broken ribs, the simple act of breathing takes on a whole new aspect. Ah, screw it. I'll bite the bullet and deal with the consequences. "You feeling okay? Your ribs aren't bothering you are they?" Trowa stops when he reaches the counter and stands next to me.  
  
"They're aching pretty bad today," Trowa says breathlessly.  
  
"Maybe you should sit down and rest for a second then," I say. He shakes his head.  
  
"No, I'm alright. I need to start getting back on my feet. I can't stay in bed forever," He says softly. I reach around Trowa to put the knife in the sink and we lock eyes briefly.  
  
"Tro, I know you don't want to hear it, but you need to give your body a rest and let it recover. You were...hurt pretty bad." Trowa clicks his tongue in disagreement and tosses his hair out of his eyes.  
  
"Tro," I practically whine, "You'll do more damage if you push yourself too soon."  
  
"Duo," Trowa begins calmly. "I think I know my own body and what it's capable of." I open my mouth to interrupt but he cuts me off before I can. "I appreciate your concern, but I can handle this," he adds softly. I exhale loudly in my own passive-aggressive, letting him know that I am not happy about his decision. I stare down at my freshly-made sandwich and I try and curb some of the anger that always boils up whenever I hear Trowa say things like that.  
  
"Just because you can get through this by yourself doesn't mean that you have to," I say without looking at him. I can see his body stiffen out of the corner of my eye. I pick up my plate and the glass of soda I poured for myself and turn to walk to the backdoor. "I'm going outside to eat this and watch Heero attempt yard work. Are you coming?" I say over my shoulder. Trowa doesn't answer but he pushes away from the counter and follows me.  
  
I take a seat on the cushioned porch swing that the previous owners thoughtfully left behind. Trowa hesitates for a moment but then carefully lowers himself onto the seat next to me. His jaw is clenched against the pain that this simple motion causes. Once he is settled he glances at me from under the fall of his hair. I suppose he is waiting for me to continue to lecture him on why he shouldn't do anything too strenuous or why he should seek out counseling, but I just eat my turkey sandwich in calm silence.  
  
Heero stops his work and looks at us. There is a peculiar little furrow to his brows. I lift my glass and salute him. A minute smile forms on his lips and he shakes his head and turns back to his work.  
  
"What is he doing to the mower?" Trowa asks.  
  
"Apparently there was a clog in the fuel line," I answer wryly.  
  
"And he needed to take the whole engine apart to fix it?" Trowa asks in disbelief.  
  
I shrug my shoulders. I'm sure Trowa can recognize Heero's need for escape at the moment. "That's what he says," I reply as I finish the last bite of my sandwich. I wipe my hands on my jeans and deposit the empty plate on the porch by my feet. I sit back into the cushions of the swing and begin to rock slowly. I let my eyes drift shut and relax to the soothing sounds of the gentle breeze rustling the branches of our large oak tree. Man, I could just stay here all day and do nothing. Of course, I would have nothing to wear tomorrow if I don't do laundry.  
  
I'm startled from my reverie by a light, hesitant touch on my shoulder. I open my eyes and see that Trowa has moved closer to me and has picked up my braid. His long fingers stroke the plaits lovingly and he brings the tousled end up to his nose and inhales deeply. He shifts closer and rests his head on my shoulder, my braid still clenched in his hand. For a brief moment I'm frozen. Trowa and I would snuggle like this in bed sometimes, or on the couch when we would watch a vid if we were alone in the house. We have never done anything so openly, and especially not in front of Heero. Trowa reaches out and plucks the glass from my hand, takes a swig, and then hands it back to me as if it was perfectly natural to do so. Thirst quenched, he makes himself comfortable and closes his eyes. I am amazed at how quickly his breathing evens out, indicating that he is asleep. He must be completely exhausted.  
  
I look over to Heero and see that he is staring at us unabashedly. When his gaze meets mine, I see the shock he feels at seeing Trowa being so brazenly affectionate. But for the briefest of moments I see jealousy flash in his eyes, and I am stunned. Heero quickly schools his features and bends over the metal carcass of the mower. I can see that his shoulders are tense once again. Christ, what the hell is that all about? And if I'm reading him correctly, who is he directing the jealously at? Trowa or me? No, I refuse to give this another thought. I'm not going to play this stupid game anymore and try and figure out what's on Heero's mind. If there is a problem then he can come to me about it.  
  
I lean back into the cushion once again and let the motion of the swing lull me into a light doze. I'm startled awake an indeterminate amount of time later by the sound of the lawnmower coming to life. I open my eyes to see Heero pushing the mower around the lawn, scowling unhappily as he does so. Trowa pushes himself off my shoulder and rubs at his eyes.  
  
"Hey, you feeling better?" I say to Trowa.  
  
"A little," he answers around a yawn.  
  
"Good. I'm going to go inside and do some laundry. Do you need anything washed?" I say as I stand and stretch.  
  
"Yes, my sheets. I'll get them," Trowa says as he moves to stand up. I place a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"It's okay, I'll get them. You stay here and relax."  
  
"Duo," Trowa says wearily and his shoulders slump, "I'm perfectly capable of walking up the stairs, stripping my bed, and bringing the sheets down to the basement."  
  
"Alright, alright...I'll go get my stuff and meet you down in the basement," I say, hoping that will placate him. I turn and walk into the house and purposely do not wait for Trowa. He wants to prove to me that he can handle this little chore on his own, so I'll let him. I jog up the stairs and enter my pigsty of a room. I gather up all the items of clothing scattered across my floor and then quickly rip the sheets off my bed. I cram everything into my hamper until its overflowing and make my way down to the basement laundry room. On my way by Trowa's room I glance in to see him moving stiffly around the bed, pulling the sheets up. I watch as he grits his teeth every time he bends over. Shaking my head, I keep moving towards my destination.  
  
I am just about finished loading the washing machine when Trowa limps into the narrow laundry room. He is slightly out of breath, but I choose to not comment on it. He is holding his bundle of sheets close to his chest as though it was a baby.  
  
"Give me those; I already put mine in," I say as I reach out for him to hand the bed linens over. Trowa clutches the sheets tighter. "Trowa? If you want me to wash those, you need to give them to me." He reluctantly hands them over. I turn to put them into the washer and start to question the odd behavior when I notice the blood on the sheets. It wasn't an obscene amount of blood but there were a couple of good-sized stains.  
  
"Trowa? What this?" I ask, holding the bed sheet up as evidence. Trowa lowers his chin and his hair falls over his eyes.  
  
"It's nothing...I may have popped a few stitches," he practically mumbles.  
  
"Popped a few stitches? Let me see." I throw the sheet down and step towards Trowa. He immediately backs out of the room and into the larger basement area.  
  
"No, its fine," he says sternly and bats my hands away.  
  
"Trowa, let me check," I say, no longer caring if I sound angry. Trowa evades my hands until I manage to corner him against the wall. I take hold of the shirt he is wearing and begin to pull it off his shoulder.  
  
"Don't touch me!" Trowa screams as he tries to push me away. I quickly back off and watch as he slides down to his knees, trembling. He wraps his arms around his middle and hugs himself.  
  
"Oh, Trowa," I gasp as I sink down to crouch beside him. "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to grab you like that." My hands hover over his back, wanting to touch him, wanting to hold him, but afraid to do so.  
  
"Stop it...just stop it, Duo!" he yells at me. "I'm sick to death of everyone coddling me. I don't want your fucking pity. I just want you to...to..."  
  
"Want me to- what, Trowa?" I ask quietly. He looks up at me then. The tears are brimming in his vibrant green eyes.  
  
"Make it stop," he pants. I'm speechless. It's not a major revelation but Trowa just took a baby step in the right direction. I open my arms to him and he accepts the embrace.  
  
"I wish I could. I wish I could take away all the pain and hurt you feel, but I can't. What I can do is be here with you every step of the way," I whisper to him as I gently press his head to my chest. I have to choke back my own tears as I feel his arms encircle my waist. "Together, Trowa; we'll do this together."  
  
TBC...........

* * *

Hey, thank you for all the reviews. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to let me know what you think. See you next chapter!


	13. 13

Hold Your Light- Chapter 13

* * *

_You crawled away from me,_

_Slipped away from me,_

_I tried to keep a hold,_

_But there was nothing I could say_.

"Crawl Away" - Tool

* * *

Trowa had been holding onto me for what seemed like an eternity and I didn't want to do anything to break the spell. This was one of those fleeting moments where Trowa was vulnerable and seeking comfort. I want him to know that his first rape doesn't matter, that I wasn't lying when I told him it didn't change my feelings about him. It sickens me to think that someone out there must have rejected him for him to be so sure that Heero and I would automatically do the same. But then again, Heero was with him in that room; I know there are things that he is leaving out. There is still tension between the two. Heero's obvious displeasure at watching Trowa and I snuggle on the porch swing is another quandary. Is it just simple jealousy? Did he want to be the one Trowa leaned on? It's not a bad thing for him to want to help Trowa, but he doesn't need to act resentful towards me if Trowa decides he doesn't want what Heero has to offer. Looks like I'm going to need to have another talk with Mr. Wonderful upstairs.

Trowa was content to stay in my embrace longer, but my knees were beginning to hurt. I lowered my arms and gently pulled back. Trowa took the hint and pulled away as well. When we were face to face I could see the wet trails down his cheeks. Trowa reaches up and runs his fingers across his damp face. I watch as he looks down at his fingers, disgusted by the moisture he sees there.

"Fuck," he says softly, but still angrily. It was almost as if the tears were a surprise and he hadn't realized he had been crying.

"Hey," I say as I quickly take hold of his hand and bring it up to my lips to place a kiss on his fingertips. "Don't be ashamed of this, Tro. You need a release, its okay." I cup his face gently with both of my hands and wipe away the tears with my thumbs. "It's okay." He stares at me with an expression I'm not sure is disbelief or astonishment. I withdraw my hands slowly and place them on Trowa's shoulders. We stare at each other for a few heartbeats before Trowa leans forward and brushes his lips against mine, feather-light. He places his hand carefully against the side of my neck and I feel the rough texture from the Velcro on the brace that encloses his broken wrist. My natural instinct takes over and I lean into him and return the gesture as my eyes slide closed. We both shift a bit to make ourselves more comfortable and the kiss deepens gently, tenderly. It's so comfortable and familiar. Our bodies move automatically to compensate for each other and even though we have not shared a kiss like this in days, it still feels like coming home. In this moment there are no bruises or broken bones. There is no pain here, only comfort, understanding, and an easy symbiosis.

But then I pull away suddenly.

"I'm sorry," I whisper and turn my head to look away.

"For what?" Trowa responds hoarsely.

"I shouldn't have done that." Trowa eyes me suspiciously.

"You didn't do anything, I did," he says. I meet his eyes once again.

"I know, but I shouldn't have..."

"Kissed me? Why?" Trowa continues to stare at me. His green eyes are narrow and calculating.

"It's so soon after...I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to push you or force you to...because I'm not," I babble. Trowa inhales loudly through his nose and his lips purse together tightly.

"Oh, I get it," he begins angrily. "Let's coddle the rape victim a little more because he's obviously incapable of thinking for himself."

"No! That's not what I mean-"

"Oh, come off it, Duo. I don't know who's worse, you or Heero. The two of you are going out of your way to make me feel like an invalid," Trowa snaps at me as he struggles to stand up. I reach out and steady him and he shoves me away. It was a weak attempt and I immediately move back and take hold of his elbow and pull him up the rest of the way. He glares threateningly at me, but I'm pretty much immune to such looks by now.

"But you're injured, Trowa. Whether you want to admit it or not, you _are_ going to need help with some things," I reply.

"Yes, fine, I will need help, but that doesn't mean that the two of you have to treat me like some sort of fragile victim," he says with his fingers pointed towards his chest. "I'm not a victim," he adds much softer. I am so tempted to ask him what he _is_ if he's not a victim.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was treating you like that," I say as damage control. I don't need him getting upset again. I'm not sure how I avoided the panic attack just before, but I do not want another close call like that.

"Just quit treating me like I'm going to fall apart. I'm still the same person, nothing has changed." He runs a hand through his hair and I'm briefly rewarded by an unobstructed view of his face before his bangs fall back into place. I don't know who is trying to convince, me or himself, but I'll play along, for now.

"Okay, you're right. I will try not to...do that anymore." I'm not exactly sure what I'm agreeing not to do, but screw it. I'm all for ending an awkward situation peacefully. Trowa nods his head in acceptance.

"Good, now why don't you go back upstairs and rest or something and I'll finish putting the laundry in. Then you can keep me company while I straighten up my room. Sound like a plan?" I ask, but I notice Trowa's eyes are fixed on my upper arm. He closes the small distance between us and takes hold of forearm and pulls my sleeve up, exposing the band of bruised skin.

"Duo, what happened?" he asks, clearly concerned for my wellbeing as he twists my arm gently to get a better look. Trowa glances over and sees the identical mark on my other arm. I pull back shyly.

"It's nothing, really. Heero and I-"

"Heero did that?" Trowa interrupts incredulously.

"Yes, but it's not what you think. We kind of had a little...er, argument that got a bit out of hand and he grabbed me. He got carried away and didn't realize that he was holding on so tight...you know how strong he is." Please, don't ask me. Now is definitely not the time to explain that Heero tried to put the moves on me.

"You mean this morning? I heard the two of you yelling, but I couldn't make out what you were saying." I nod my head slowly, stalling for time while I think of what to say.

"Were you eavesdropping on us?" I say, employing one of my more traditional diversion tactics. Trowa immediately withdraws with a slight blush coloring his cheeks.

"No...I well, the walls really are thin. I couldn't help but hear you," he attempts to justify, but Trowa is sly and not so easily thrown off the trail. "What was the fight about?"

"Well, that's kind of between Heero and I."

"Duo," Trowa interrupts and the warning tone in his voice tells me that he is probably not going to let this go. He even crosses his arms over his chest and glares at me like I'm some petulant child. "Apparently the fight was bad enough for him to act out with physical violence. Regardless of what it was about we need to take into consideration that Heero might be unstable."

I think my brain just had a seizure. Either I am completely insane or Trowa just accused Heero of coming unglued. Was he not aware that he has had two complete breakdowns in the past twenty-four hours?

"Uh, Tro, I don't think Heero is unstable. Sure he's having some trouble dealing with everything that's happened, but I don't think he's a danger to us, if that's what you're implying."

"He attacked you, Duo," Trowa says matter-of-factly.

"First off, he didn't attack me. Second, don't you think this is a little bit of the pot calling the kettle black?"

"What?"

"I think you know what I mean," I reply evenly. When he doesn't respond, I continue. "You can't stand there and tell me that Heero is so emotionally distraught after witnessing one of his closest friends get tortured and...and raped right in front of him that he is going lose it and try and hurt us." I watch Trowa's eyes narrow dangerously at me and I can see the tension in his jaw.

"He might. People under extreme stress are liable to do all sorts of things that are uncommon for them," he shoots back.

"Well, if that theory is true, then how did Heero get that fat lip? I don't think he accidentally ran into your elbow. It looked to me like you were aiming for him." Okay, I admit that one was a little below the belt and the cool glare I'm getting from Trowa confirms it.

"Duo," he says again with the warning tone.

"What? If there is anyone in this house that we should be worried about freaking out and becoming a danger to themselves or others, it's _you_." Oh, Trowa was definitely not happy about that remark. His hand actually curls into a fist and I wonder, momentarily, if he's going to take a swing at me.

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about," he says in a low, angry voice. We stare at one another, silently sizing each other up. My heart is pounding in my chest so hard that I'm sure Trowa must be able to hear it. He takes a step towards me and I take an instinctive step in the opposite direction. We circle each other slowly, like two predators fighting over the same animal carcass.

"I don't?" I snap sarcastically. "Maybe, maybe not, but I know that it was not Heero who collapsed at the bottom of the stairs last night, shaking and hyperventilating. I also know that it wasn't Heero who woke up screaming three times over the course of the night, or who-"

"Shut up," Trowa says with a low growl.

"Why? Because the truth hurts? Because you don't want to accept the fact that you _are_ a victim? For Christ sakes, Trowa you were raped! It's natural that you're going to be angry or upset from time to ti-"

"Shut up!" Trowa yells this time. His whole body is shaking with the force of his anger. "You don't know a fucking thing about what I've been through and neither does Heero. The two of you can spout all the crap you want about counseling and therapy but it's all bullshit. _I_ know how to get past this, and _I _know because _I've_ done it before."

It hurts me to hear Trowa say those things. I know he has been through this before, but judging by his reaction to things so far I don't think he's dealt with shit. I think he just buried it so deep and repressed so much that he's managed to convince himself that he's moved on. This whole situation has rapidly deteriorated into one big shit-storm. I find myself in an interesting position. I could concede and let Trowa think he's convinced me that he's right or I could keep at him and poke holes in his elaborate delusion of normalcy. You might figure I would have learned my lesson by now.

"Well, Tro it looks to me like you haven't been doing such a good job," I say and the condescending tone rolls off my tongue without conscious thought. "But in all fairness, I will agree that three days might not be enough time to shake off the trauma of having some psycho carve you up like a turkey while another guy shoved his dic-"

I have to give Trowa credit. For an injured man, he moved with surprising speed and strength. Before I knew what hit me, he had me slammed up against the basement wall with both hands fisted in my shirt. I was fully expecting him to punch me, but he didn't. Instead he stared at me, breathing hard, his face just inches from mine. The look on his face was one of betrayal. I realize at that moment just how cruel my words had been.

"Tro...I'm sorry. I...I..." I attempt to get my mouth to form the words, but my jaw opens and closes ineffectually. Trowa doesn't respond, and I'm not sure that I want him to. He instead tosses me to the side like a rag doll and storms off towards the stairs. I throw out my hands to break my fall, but still land hard enough to sprain my wrist.

"Trowa!" I call out to his retreating back. I scramble back up on to my feet to go after him but he pauses on the steps.

"Don't, Duo...just don't," he says quietly without turning around. I let him leave without another word. I mean, what could I possibly say? I walk back into the small laundry room and kick the hamper over, sending articles of clothing everywhere.

"Fuck!" I scream to the empty room. How the hell am I going to fix this one?

TBC........

* * *

Sorry for the long wait everybody. Real life got a bit crazy for a while. Thank you Snoggitz, Katsuyuki Sumisawa, Chibi Master, and fiery-icicles for your reviews! Also, thank you everyone out there who is reading but have not left a review. Feedback is never demanded, but always appreciated.


	14. 14

Hold Your Light- Chapter 14

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_I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down_

_  
No fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire _

_  
To point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over_

_  
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication_

"_Schism"_ – Tool

* * *

It's official. I'm a complete idiot. I can't believe I really said those things to Trowa. What the hell was I thinking? I made an already emotionally distraught person feel even worse. Way to go, me. God, I feel like pounding my head on the laundry room wall until I pass out. I'm just so frustrated. Why can't he realize that he needs help? Why can't he realize that that's all I'm trying to do?

I take a deep breath, count to ten, and then exhale. I still feel wound up. These stupid breathing techniques don't do shit. I scrub my hands over my face roughly, trying to jolt my brain back into gear so that I can figure out what to do next. I glance around the tiny room, hoping for some inspiration, but unless a bottle of fabric softener holds the mysteries of life, I'm screwed. That's when my eyes settle on the crumpled pile of sheets on the floor in front of the washing machine. They're a boring shade of beige. The kind of non-threatening color one might find in a bank or a lawyer's office. The sheets were originally devoid of any pattern or design, but now they are mottled with clusters of small, circular, reddish-brown stains. Trowa's bloody sheets. And that's all the inspiration I need to get me taking the basement stairs two at a time.

I come barreling out of the basement and into our kitchen just as Heero is walking in the backdoor.

"Oh, Duo," he addresses me in his usual 'I have a mission to accomplish' voice. "I was thinking that if we took out some of the bushes along the back fence we could-"

"Not now, Heero," I snap, a little harsher than I had intended, but now is not the time to be discussing our landscape. He takes a few seconds to inventory the expression on my face.

"What happened?" he asks, his eyes gone serious.

"I really fucked things up, Heero, and frankly, I don't have time to discuss it right now," I say curtly and try to brush by him. I don't even make it one step before Heero's hand clamps down on my shoulder, preventing my hasty exit.

"What is it? Is it Trowa?" he asks breathlessly as he moves around to stand in front of me. Even though Heero has made his feelings for Trowa as clear as someone as reticent as Heero can, I'm still surprised by the scared look of concern written all over his face.

"Yes, but I don't have the time right now."

I shrug his hand off my shoulder and keep moving past him to the staircase in the living room. I wasn't too surprised to find him dogging my heels the entire way up. We stop in front of Trowa's room and I press my ear against the cool surface of the door. Silence. I rap my knuckles twice and wait. Again, nothing.

"Trowa? Please open the door," I say softly. I knock again, but this time I try the handle. It's locked, no surprise. "Trowa, I'm sorry about what I said. Please open the door and talk to me." I know he's in there; I can hear the soft rustle of fabric. "Please, Trowa."

I sigh heavily and Heero cocks his head to the side and gives me an accusatory glare. I know exactly what he's thinking; it's written all over his face. _What did you do now, Duo?_ I fucking hate it when he gives me that look. I can almost hear the condescending tone in his voice. I shake my head from side to side at him, a silent plea for him to not start with me right now.

"Trowa," I say with a little more force. "Open the door. We need to talk. I can pick this lock, you know." I jiggle the handle for emphasis.

"…Go away, Duo."

Trowa's voice is barely discernable. With my hand still on the knob, I lean forward until my forehead touches the wooden door. "Please, Trowa," I whisper. "I'm so sorry." And I honestly am, with every fiber of my being, sorry about what happened. With everything that has been going on since we brought Trowa home, I had a feeling that something like this was going to happen, only the confrontation I had in my head went a hell of a lot better then the one in the basement. I just don't know what to do anymore. My stupid mouth got me in trouble again.

"I don't want to hear it. Just leave me alone," Trowa shouts back.

"I'm not leaving you alone until we settle this," I yell back at the walnut-stained door. I tap my foot as I cross my arms tightly across my chest. Heero eyes me curiously as I wait for a response from the former Heavyarms pilot. When I feel the silence has gone on long enough, I say, "I can wait all night if I have to. Don't think I won't."

"Duo, what is all this about? What the hell happened?" Heero asks from behind me.

I ignore him completely and pound my fist against the door again. "Trowa? I mean it. I'm not leaving until we talk. Tro-wa!" I punctuate the syllables of his name with two hits to the door. My sprained wrist sends a sharp, tingly pain up my arm and I wince slightly. Not a peep comes from the room. I really shouldn't be surprised. When it comes to the silent treatment, Trowa is the master. "Okay fine, we'll play it your way. I'm not moving from this spot and you have to come out of there sooner or later." I drop to the floor and sit Indian-style with my back up against Trowa's door.

I look up to Heero. He has this confused, annoyed expression on his face, like a little kid being excluded from a schoolyard game. I sure as hell know what that feels like. Sister Helen and Father Maxwell always tried to get the other children at the church to include me, but for whatever reasons they had, the other kids didn't want me involved in their games. Can't say that I blamed them. I mean, who would want to play with a kid who's first "toy" was a butterfly knife. Or whose version of hide-and-seek was "Keep away from the junkies and pimps." No, the kids at the orphanage, while poor and deprived of the same things I was, didn't have to fend for themselves like I did, for as long as I did. I sigh at the unwanted feelings those particular memories stir up.

I'm not entirely sure I want Heero involved in this. Trowa has been skittish around Heero for the last few days. Well, to be fair, he's been skittish around everyone since he woke up in the infirmary. But if I thought our green-eyed friend was running hot and cold with me, it's twice as apparent in his interactions with Heero. When we ate dinner last night, I could tell that Trowa was doing his best to seem calm, as though nothing was wrong, but I could tell that he was still uneasy around Heero. The constant glances out of the corner of his eye were a dead giveaway. But I'm not so inclined to believe what he said in the basement about thinking Heero was a danger to us because of the fact that he may have gotten a little too physical during our "disagreement."

"Are you going to tell me what happened?"

I hear the frustration in Heero's voice, but I don't think now is the time to discuss this with him. I take that back. I _know_ it's not the time to discuss it. I shake my head in the negative and keep my eyes fixed on a point just over his left shoulder. I feel the sudden need to look anywhere but his face. Heero exhales loudly, clearly illustrating his disappointment, but thankfully he doesn't try to press the issue.

"Alright, I don't like it, but I'll leave you alone," he says softly.

"I…it's not what you think." Heero arches an eyebrow at me. "Okay, well maybe it is. I just want a chance to see if he'll talk to me," I say as I look down at my hands. I glance up at Heero through my bangs as he nods his head.

"I'll be out in the back if you need me for anything," he says as he walks towards the stairs. Just before he begins his descent, he pauses and turns to look over his shoulder. "I mean that, Duo. If you need me for anything."

I raise my head to meet his level gaze. I understand what he's offering, but I can't help but question it. How is he supposed to offer me comfort when he needs it more than I do? It's like the blind leading the blind. _Don't be bitter, he's just trying to be helpful_, I scold myself. _Take it for what it is and smile and nod back at him_, which is exactly what I do. Heero dips his head in return and continues down the stairs. I curl my knees into my chest and rest my chin on them. Now I wait.

I know how to get past this, and I know because I've done it before.

Trowa's words, spoken in anger and frustration, echo inside my head. How could I not have known that something like this has happened to him before? I think that out of all of us I was the one he felt the most comfortable around. I'm not just talking about the sex stuff; I mean in general. Of course, it wasn't always like that. I think during and shortly after the wars he was closer to Heero and Quatre, probably more to Quatre. I really have nothing to base this opinion on other than my gut feeling, but he seemed more at ease in Quatre's presence. I even thought the little blonde was harboring a secret crush on Trowa for a while there. Trowa shot down that theory during one of our late night chats. He claimed they were just friends.

But I still should have known.

I like to pride myself as being an observant person, one who doesn't get the wool pulled over his eyes very often. My mind flashes on all the times I can recall being with Trowa and I can honestly say that he never acted as though he was uncomfortable or reacted badly to anything I did. He was always enthusiastic and ready to please. The corners of my lips curve up as I recall that naughty little smile he gets on his lips right before he goes down on me. Oh, that gets me so hot. He really has no idea how much he could undo me with that one, sexy look. And then afterwards, when we would cuddle before falling asleep he would always kiss my forehead. I really liked that. It would fill me with such a sensation of warmth and, well, acceptance. For the first time in a long while, I thought things had really turned around for me. I had a home, a job, and a family. That's all I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed about back when I was sleeping with a threadbare blanket in a rat-infested building. The _relationship_ I started with Trowa was an unexpected bonus. But the point I'm trying to make is that he wanted it as much as I did. When I think back to that first night, I remember clearly the passion in his eyes. There was no hesitation on his part, none.

I sigh heavily as I draw abstract shapes with my finger into the grey carpet that covers the hallway. Maybe I'm trying to justify this no-love-just-sex arrangement. I shudder to think that Trowa might be so conditioned to just go along with things because it was something I alluded to wanting. Could he view himself as that unimportant? My brain screeches to a halt. God, that was something I didn't consider. I swallow heavily as I ponder that notion. If he went through as much abuse as Heero says, then he probably would just relent and let me do what ever I wanted because he thought it was expected of him. My stomach has now migrated up into my throat. I can't breathe so well anymore and I can taste bile on the back of my tongue, bitter and acidic. I think I'm going to be sick. It can't be that. Please, if there is a god in heaven, don't let that be the reason. I shake my head in denial, though no one is here to see it. Oh, Trowa, what have I done? Did I push you into something you didn't want? Did you think you couldn't turn me down?

No, I refuse to believe that for one second. Okay, so maybe what we have or had wasn't love in the traditional sense, but I do love him and we shared, _shared, _both of us together, something that was very special, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it end like this. I pat the front pocket of my jeans and come up empty. Fuck, I really could use a cigarette right about now, but I said I'm not moving from this spot until I speak with Trowa, so, addictions be damned. I start twirling the end of my braid around my fingers as a diversionary tactic, but the nic-fix is coming on strong.

I begin to gnaw of the cuticle of my thumbnail when my braid doesn't satisfy. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? It was just sex and all these lofty notions are just that. Trowa even said that to me. He told me he didn't want love, but wanted me to continue to pound him into the mattress every night. Well, he didn't say exactly like that, but that was the gist. But the point is that _he _told me_. He _was the one who laid the ground rules. _He_ set the tone for our relationship, or whatever you want to call it. I just went along with it; or did I? Honestly, I think I just got caught up in all the sex and never really put much thought into what was actually going on between us. I couldn't see past my own dick to even consider the possibility that maybe the whole thing was a bad idea.

"Goddamned, mother fucking idiot; that's what you are," I growl out loud as I slam my fist into the floor, causing dust motes to swirl around in the shaft of sunlight streaming from my bedroom. Fuck! That hurt. I keep forgetting about my sprained wrist. I take a moment to assess the injury. I can move it with relative ease and it is only slightly swollen. Looks like I'll pull through. I gently rest my hand on my thigh and let my head fall back against the door. This whole situation is so frigging frustrating that I think I'm losing my mind. Scratch that. I'm almost positive. It's hard to believe that five days ago I was happy and content with the status quo, and now I'm sitting in the hallway of my house, trying to get my traumatized lover to talk to me so that I can apologize for saying something, while true, was horribly insensitive. I don't want to even go into Heero's problems.

The soft whisper of socked feet on carpet draws me out of my thoughts and I direct my gaze to the staircase where Heero has paused on the top step. He looks to me expectantly and I can't help but give a short, dry laugh. Speak of the devil and he appears. I glance down to his hands and notice he has my pack of cigarettes in one hand and an ashtray in the other. I start to rise, but he waves me back down and continues to walk over to me.

"Thanks, man, you are a lifesaver," I say to him as I take the pack from him. I place the ashtray on the floor beside me and tap a cigarette out of the pack.

"I found them on the kitchen floor and thought you could use one right about now," he comments as he sinks down to sit opposite me in the hall.

"You're right about that," I say with the unlit cigarette hanging from my lip as I search my pockets for my lighter.

"Oh, here," Heero says as he pulls my lighter from his front pocket and tosses it over to me. I catch it, one-handed and immediately flick the flame on and light the delicious cancer stick. I damn near suck it down to the filter in one drag.

"Ready to talk yet?" Heero asks. He has one leg outstretched, the other bent, his chin on his knee. I take another long drag. Jeez, how long have I been sitting here?

"Yeah, I guess," I answer a little despondently as I exhale a cloud of grey smoke. "Okay, where do I begin?"

"How about the beginning?" Heero snorts. I roll my eyes at him.

"Well," I say as I stamp out the cigarette in the ashtray and quickly light another. I see disapproval flash momentarily in Heero's eyes at my chain smoking, but I really don't care right now. I need another hit if I'm going to get through this. "When Trowa brought his sheets down for me to wash, I noticed they had bloodstains on them." Heero sits up a little straighter, but does not interrupt. "When I asked him about them, he said he had popped a few stitches and tried to brush it off as no big deal. I tried to get him to let me take a look, but he kept refusing and I…I stupidly grabbed his shirt." I pause to take another drag and stare down at the growing ash rather than looking to Heero's face, which I know without even looking that has a scowl etched across it. I take another drag. "He freaked and almost had another panic attack, but I somehow managed to keep that from happening He calmed down and I thought everything was okay, but then he saw the bruises on my arms and asked what happened."

"What did you tell him?" Heero's posture is rigid as though he's either ready to bolt or smack me upside the head. Knowing him, he'd smack me first and then bolt.

"I told him we had a little disagreement and that it got slightly out of hand, and you didn't mean to hurt me." The two of us stare at each momentarily before Heero relaxes a little. This is the part I'm dreading the most. "He…he, uh didn't believe me," I say sheepishly.

"What do you mean, he didn't believe you?" Heero asks in a flat tone. I take a long tug on the cigarette as I try to come up with some way to put this next part as delicately as I can.

"He…um, well, you see…" Fuck, this isn't working. I extinguish the remains of the cigarette and rub the back of my hand against of my forehead before I meet his intense blue eyes. "He thinks you lashed out at me because you might be emotionally unstable because of…what happened," I blurt out. There, I said it.

Heero looks stricken, like someone just ran over his puppy. Oops, bad analogy. "I see," his only comment, devoid of any inflection Now _I_ feel like the one who ran the stupid puppy over.

"If it's any consolation, I told him that I didn't agree and that he was out of line to think so." There is a tense moment of silence before Heero nods, though I doubt that my words offer any comfort. My stomach has managed to find its way back up into my throat. I take a deep breath and exhale loudly. "After explaining that to him, I sort of steered the conversation away from you and back on to him, and well, I…it blew up in my face…big time." I pause for a moment, not for any dramatic flair, but to try and gauge Heero's reaction. I can hear the gears turning in his head from where I sit and know that he's replaying the part where I said that Trowa thinks he's unstable. Yeah, I'm sure I'd be doing the same thing if I were in his shoes, but right now I've got my own problems, and frankly, I think I'm a little further down on Trowa's friend list than he is at this point.

"What did you say to him?" he asks. It comes out forced. Obviously he's caught somewhere between the shock of finding out what Trowa's been thinking of him and the curiosity of finding out what led to me sitting outside said person's bedroom door.

"He's thinks we're coddling him too much. You know, being a little too careful about what we do or say in front of him," I elaborate when Heero's eyebrow rises. "I told him that I would try and not do that, though I didn't think I was, but I wasn't about to argue. Anyway, he started with the whole 'I don't need counseling' thing and I disagreed, and well, it went downhill from there and I got angry. I may have mentioned if there was anyone who was unstable and capable of physical violence it was him and-"

"You said_ that_ to him?" Heero interjects. I nod my head and the horrible feeling that clenched my insides when I said those words to Trowa, returns with a vengeance. I pull my legs into my chest and bury my face in my knees. "Christ, Duo," I hear him say breathlessly.

"I know, I know," I moan into my lap. I lift my head and look to the young man seated across from me and I can see the disappointment in his eyes. "Believe me, Heero, there is nothing you can say to me right now that I haven't already used to berate myself. I was just so angry. He keeps pushing us away when he should be reaching out for help. I just got frustrated and I snapped at him without really thinking about what I was saying." I reach for the pack and pull out another cigarette.

"Do you think he really is scared of me?" Heero asks in an almost, dare I say it, bashful manner. I blow the smoke sideways out of my mouth.

"No, not really. I think he is generally concerned for you. Me, on the other hand, I'm public enemy number one right now…I just wish he would talk to me so I can explain that I didn't mean to say those things to him."

"But you believe what you said, right?"

"Well, he has been acting very erratic, don't you think?" I don't expect Heero to answer so I take another drag, but he manages to surprise me.

"That's not the point. You feel he's handling the situation badly, correct?" I nod my head, not really sure where he's going with this. "That's what you told him. Granted, you could have put it in a more delicate way, but you basically told him that you feel he is not capable of dealing with what happened."

"I never said I thought he couldn't deal with it. I said he wasn't going about it the right way," I say a little irritably.

"It doesn't matter," he says with a rueful shake of his head that causes his long bangs to fall into his eyes. "The point is that you told him that you don't have any faith in him getting through this."

"Wait just a goddamn second. I never said anything like that," I practically shout.

"You did. Not in so many words, but you did," he replies with a stern voice. I open my mouth to disagree, but Heero continues. "Think about it. Think about how Trowa would interpret something like that. He's always been self-sufficient. To admit that he needs help now, especially with something as personal as this, is the greatest form of weakness there is."

"Oh? And what makes you so smart?" I ask with my usual sarcastic tone, but then I take a good, long look at Heero and the realization hits me like a blast from Wing's beam canon. O my god. I really haven't been paying attention, have I? "Heero…" I whisper and he looks away, ashamed. I want to say more, but my throat didn't close up.

The minutes tick by in silence as I try and absorb what Heero has just said. I stare at him, though he is unable to meet my eye. He keeps his gaze pointedly on the floor directly in front of him. He is absently tonguing the bloody scab on his lower lip. I extinguish one cigarette and light another one. I don't usually smoke this much, but my nerves are pretty shot, and the nicotine is the only thing keeping me from ripping the hair from my scalp in frustration. I should have known that Heero would be the one to make the pieces of this puzzle fit. I just never thought it would be because he feels exactly the same. The hydra just grew another head.

"I think that I should move out for a while," Heero says with a sigh, and I choke on my cigarette.

"What? Why?" I say incredulously. He reluctantly meets my gaze.

"It would be for the best. If I wasn't here, then Trowa would be more comfortable, and that would help him heal."

"Heero, that has got to be the most absur- Ah!" The door I am leaning against suddenly gives way and I find myself flat on my back staring up at Trowa. He's leaning heavily on the doorknob, but his gaze is not on me, it's fixed on Heero.

"No, Heero, if anyone should leave here…it should be me."

TBC……

* * *

So sorry for the long wait everyone. I was taking a bit of a break from writing angst and trying something light-hearted. "The Unicorn" was supposed to be a few chapters long, but after the fourth chapter I realized that to do the story justice I needed to keep going. So, the moral of the story is that I have a new story in rotation with my other two. Check it out if you like GW modern day fairy tales and let me know what you think. Thanks. Okay, now to thank all the wonderful people who have taken time to leave me a review.

Everyone at Fanfiction:

**Fiery-icicles- **Sorry for the wait. Thanks for reading.

**Punk Rock's Sk8ter Chic- **Hey, thanks for reading and reviewing. I know how you feel, I'm guilty of not reviewing myself /smacks self upside head/ Sorry for the wait.

**Chibi Master- **Thank you for the compliment. I am trying to give the reality of what the aftermath of rape is really like and the effect it has on those around you. So, don't expect this ride to be over anytime soon…lots of healing to be done. Thanks for reading.

Mediaminer:

**Priscel- **Yeah, no one seems to like Duo's smoking, and it is a bad habit...for the record. If things keep on the way they are, he might never be able to quit…or will he? Yes, Duo feels like a complete jerk for what he said and everyone's nerves are completely frayed (especially Duo's.) He's trying to hold it all together by himself and floundering. We'll also be seeing more of what's going on inside Trowa's and Heero's heads in upcoming chapters, so stick around. Thanks for reading and leaving such detailed reviews.

Gundam Wing Universe:

**Katrice- **Thank you for your very in-depth review. Heero isn't necessarily taking the brunt of everyone's anger. It just seems that way because of recent events. Now, remember Trowa doesn't know the whole story behind Duo and Heero's fight. He made an assumption based on the physical evidence. Trowa also has tons of unresolved issues where Heero is concerned. That's part of the reason the other two are pushing for counseling so hard. Will they be successful? Stay tuned to find out. Thanks for reading.

Adultfanfiction:

**Shenlong- **Hey, thanks for the review and the compliment. I'm trying to do justice to each of the characters while trying to deal realistically with the subject matter. It's good to know that people out there think I'm pulling it off. Thanks for reading.

**Solitaire- **Thank you for reading. I'm glad you like my portrayal of Duo (sans smoking, I know) he is a very complex and difficult person to write and keep in character. I hope I'm doing him justice.

**Kiharu- **Thanks for the review. I'm working hard to keep everyone in character. Thanks for letting me know that you think I am and that you are enjoying the story.

And last, but most certainly not least- my beta Press. Without whom, my commas and ellipses would be all over the place. Thanks, babe!


	15. 15

Hold Your Light- Chapter 15

* * *

_The face before me flies  
Laughs at me inside  
Masks are made to hide the glow  
Shining eyes  
Distance 'tween us grows  
Feeding lies_

"What the Hell Have I"- Alice in Chains

* * *

"No, Heero, if anyone should leave here…it should be me."

I'm quite literally shocked into silence as I lay there staring up at Trowa, which is saying a lot for someone like me. Heero, thankfully, is not quite as dumbstruck as I am and is on his feet within seconds of Trowa's announcement.

"No, Trowa, why would you say that? That's not true," Heero quickly admonishes. "I'll go. I'll find somewhere else to stay until you're better."

"It's not necessary. You shouldn't be forced into leaving your home for my sake. You stay here, and I'll go," Trowa argues.

"But you need to be in a comfortable setting where you feel safe in order to heal properly."

"Comfortable setting?" Trowa's eyes narrow.

Oh shit. From the distain evident in Trowa's voice, I know that piece of advice just hit an already raw nerve, one that I'm guilty of irritating myself. Sounds like Heero's been reading one too many self-help books lately. He means well, but should know that Trowa's mindset isn't ready to accept any opinions on the matter. In fact, he's so defensive about it that any suggestions about _anything_ are setting him off. If I hadn't backed down when I suggested getting his sheets before, he probably would have let me have it…over something as stupid as bed sheets. Heero needs to learn a little more tact if he doesn't want every conversation he has with Trowa to end up as a screaming match.

"Look, Yuy," Trowa begins with a sneer. It's never a good thing when Trowa resorts to surnames. "Don't presume to tell me what I need and don't need. I'm fully capable of deciding that on my own, so don't you-"

"That's enough, both of you," I interrupt as I stand up between the two of them. I've heard all this before and frankly, it's getting a little old. Trowa was seconds away from jabbing his finger in Heero's chest to punctuate whatever his next remark was going to be. I could only imagine that confrontation as ending badly. If there is one thing that irks the shit out of Heero, it is that type of taunting gesture.

I glare at each Trowa and Heero in turn, daring them to challenge me. It's been a long day, so far, and I've had it with this crap. "There are three names on the deed to this house. No one is going anywhere. Got it?"

Trowa grits his teeth. "You don't tell me what to do." He tries to sound threatening, but all I can hear is the uncertainty. He even tries to make a hasty retreat back into his room. Too bad I'm blocking the doorway so that he can't slam the door in my face.

Heero lunges into the room after him. "Trowa, we're not trying to tell you what to do, we're-" My hand on his chest cuts him off and prevents him from advancing any further. I give him a stern look that basically tells him to shut up.

I turn to look over at Trowa. He is standing in front of his dresser with his back to us. "Do you really want to leave?" I ask him.

"Yes," he answers, petulant, like a child.

"Where you would you go? Back to the circus?"

Trowa's shoulders tense suddenly, throwing him off balance, and he falls forward onto the dresser to catch himself. I knew it. I knew there was a reason why he left the circus, a reason that is preventing him from going back, even now. That flinch just confirmed it. Heero and I exchange a curious look.

"Okay, not back to the circus, why?" I continue. Trowa's head snaps around to glower at me.

"That's none of your business," he warns.

"Yeah, apparently a lot of things aren't my business, but I'm making it my business now. And you're not leaving here. Even if I have to lock you in this room, Tro, I'm letting you run away from this…from us." I look over at Heero and he gives me a slow nod to indicate his reluctant approval.

Trowa spins around, furious. If looks could kill, I would have been incinerated where I stood.

"God, you never fucking shut up, do you, Duo? You know everything about everything. Always have to put your fucking two cents in on every goddamned thing," he grinds out. "And you," Trowa directs his gaze to Heero, "Are buying into his bullshit, following him around like he has all the answers. You two don't have a fucking clue." Trowa is panting with rage and shrieking, actually shrieking at both of us. I think this has to go on record as the most I've ever heard him use the F word.

"Trowa, please calm down," Heero tries. Boy, was that the wrong thing to say.

"Calm down?" he screams. "I think I've been pretty fucking calm up until now." He has to pause to catch his breath and I can only imagine that his ribs must be killing him right now. Trowa starts again, calmer. "I just want you to let me handle this by myself and stop meddling."

"We're not trying to meddle, Tro. We want to help you any way we can," I interject. Well, we are meddling, but it's really with his best intentions in mind.

"What could you possibly do to help me?" Trowa asks with a short, sarcastic laugh. "Like either of you know what I've been through."

I bite my tongue against the reactionary words that immediately pop into my head. He's angry, I realize this. He's also hurt, confused, and I know he has to be scared, no matter what he says. He's just trying to shift the attention from himself.

"Tro…Trowa," I correct myself from using any nicknames. I want him to realize that I am being serious. "You don't have to do this alone," I say softy and slowly take a step in his direction. Heero swiftly moves in to flank me. I would rather he stay back, but I know he just wants to be helpful. "Please, let us help."

Trowa has his chin down so that his bangs fall over his face. His mouth is set in a grim line. "You can't help me, so just leave it alone." His voice comes out like a tiger's growl. "Why can't you just let me deal with this my own way? Oh, that's right; I'm not doing it according to the 'Duo Maxwell Rules on Everythin_g'_." He lifts his head just enough so that a few strands of hair fall away and I can see the rage burning in his eyes.

That's it, the hackles are up. Trowa is finding all the right buttons to push and Shinigami is itching to make an appearance. Yeah, I'm a loud mouth and I don't hold my opinions back, but I never tell people how to live their lives because I can't stand it when someone tries to impose their beliefs on me. I can't tell if he's saying these things just to get a rise out of me, or if he actually believes it. But it doesn't matter because it's working.

"You think you're the only one to ever shed a tear?" I yell at Trowa, and his face drains of all its color. He flinches back as though he's expecting me to hit him and boy, do I want to. Right now, that rather tenuous hold I've been maintaining over all the emotions that have been building over the past three days, snaps like a dry branch. I'm only human. I have my limits to how much I can take. I start to move at him, but Heero grabs me by the elbow to prevent me. Now, I don't want to do anything physically to Trowa. I just want to make sure he understands that I am not one who'll back down from his feeble attempt at pushing us away. Plus, I'm pissed, and he needs to know all about that. I try to shake Heero off, but he's got a firm hold on me. He may have stopped me from getting into Trowa's face, but he can't stop my mouth. "You think you're the only one who was ever picked on by those who were bigger and stronger? Forced into things you would have rather died then do? Huh, Trowa? Well, I got news for you. My life wasn't a fucking rose garden either. If you bothered to think beyond yourself, perhaps you would realize that. Why paint yourself as a victim, Trowa? You're so complex that no one can understand you? That's bullshit and you know it. What are you scared of, that we'll walk away from you over this?"

I pause in my speech when Trowa's eyebrows rise sharply, and his eyes seek out mine for the briefest of moments. In that split second when our eyes lock, the mask slips. I see that my words hit home. Oh, he's quick to recover, no doubt about that. He stands up a little straighter and takes a deep breath. The room feels like it just dropped in temperature, like Trowa managed to suck out all of the warmth in one inhaled gasp. I'm not really feeling too good about the shift in Trowa's body language. Trowa flicks his head to the right so that his bangs no longer cover his eyes. He makes a point to look me dead in the eye and I'm paralyzed. I wouldn't have been able to look away even if a parade of naked women with flamethrowers marched into the room. Heero is still standing next to me, holding on to my elbow. The grip has loosened considerably, but I don't look over to see why.

"What makes you the authority on my life, Duo?" Trowa begins calmly, his voice too eerily steady, as though he hadn't just been screaming at us. But the distain indicated he was winding up for something big; I could sense it. Trowa usually reserves this condescending tone for those stupid enough to try and take him at face value. Something I never did, by the way. "Just because I let you fuck me, doesn't mean that you own me."

And there it is, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I have never offered myself any delusions as to what was between Trowa and me. We weren't lovers, but I wouldn't use the term "fuck buddies" to describe us, either. If there was a level between those two, Trowa and I would be on it. Friends with benefits? Maybe. At least, that was always my opinion on the matter. It would appear that my auburn-haired friend disagrees.

"What did you just say?" I ask. Purely rhetorical question, but it leaves my lips before I can stop it.

"You heard me," Trowa replies nastily.

Yeah, I heard him alright. He's really pulling out the heavy artillery now. He must be desperate. That means we must be hitting pretty close to the mark. Be calm, I tell myself. Don't fuck it up like you did in the basement, because two can play at this game. But I don't want it to blow up in my face again.

"You _let _me fuck you?" I ask as conversationally as I can. "Like you were doing me a favor?" I add when his eyes narrow. "Is that what it was, Trowa? Were you doing me a favor all those nights?" Trowa's unbroken hand clenches into a tight fist at his side.

"Duo, what are you-" Heero starts to ask, but a sharp glare from me and he backs off. He licks his injured lip nervously, eyes darting back and forth between Tro and me.

"What about all those nights that you'd wake up shaking and ask- no, beg _me _to fuck you? Were you doing me a favor then, too? And how does any of that equate to me trying to- how did you put it? -_own_ you?" I'm doing my best to keep my voice even and non-confrontational. He's already on the defensive; I just need to get him to think before he reacts, get him to _listen_ to what I'm saying. "Trowa, you turned to me for comfort before, and I never turned you away. Why not now? Why push me away now?"

"Because I can't!" Trowa yells, slamming his fist onto the top of his dresser. His eyes are glassy with unshed tears and he's panting heavily. I'm close to something. I try to take a step forward, but Heero renews his grip on my arm.

"Can't what? Come to me for comfort?" I ask.

"I just can't, Duo. Please…I can't…just please leave me alone," he wheezes out between pants. "I need to do this myself…please." He looks over to Heero and then back to me, green eyes pleading in a way I've never seen before. He looks so exhausted and his posture is rigid, indicating that he's hurting big time, but "Mr. I Suffer in Silence" isn't going to complain. Trowa wraps his broken wrist around his waist, holding his broken ribs as he fights to catch his breath. His gaze goes down to the floor as he begins to speak again. "I understand where both of you are coming from, I really do, but please, you need to understand that I need to deal with this on my own terms."

Shit, what can I possibly say to that? Of course he needs to deal with everything on his own terms. I'm not telling him that he can't. I just don't want him to close himself off from us.

"Okay, I understand. We'll leave you alone now. Come on, Duo," Heero says sternly as he pulls on my arm to lead me out of the room. I can hardly believe my ears. I dig my heels in and stare at him, shocked. "Duo," he warns when he realizes that I'm not cooperating. "Trowa needs some time to be alone. He is well aware of the fact that we care about him and he can come to us with anything. There is no sense in browbeating him over the head with it."

I'm thunderstruck. I was so close to getting Trowa to finally open up. Why would Heero want to back off now? I look back to Trowa. He has himself wedged into the corner of the room between his dresser and nightstand like a punished child. He is making an effort to not look at us. No, this might be the only opportunity…when he's already this vulnerable.

"Now, Duo," Heero orders as he yanks hard enough for me to stumble forward and then moves behind me and places both hands on my back and literally pushes me into the hall. The asshole even shoves me hard enough that I have to throw my hands out to keep my face from smashing into the wall.

"Please get some rest, Trowa. We'll be downstairs if you need anything," Heero says gently before closing the door behind him. He swoops down to pick up my cigarettes and ashtray.

"What's the damage, Heero? I was about to-"

Heero cuts me off by pressing the items into my chest and ordering, "Downstairs, now."

Oh, I see, he wants to talk. Well, okay then, let's talk. There is anger in those grey-blue eyes of his, and I can't help but give him a defiant look in return. I turn and head down the stairs and into the kitchen. Upon entering, I walk around the other side of the small, rectangular table so that I'm facing him when he enters. The two of us stare boldly at each other. He's expecting me to start things off, so I wait just to see what he does.

"You're pushing him too hard. You're going to end up pushing him right out the door if you keep at him like that," he says flatly. Not what I was expecting for an opening remark, but not bad. I cross my arms over my chest and lean back against the counter.

"So, _you're _the expert now?" I watch as his lips twitch briefly.

"Duo," he sighs wearily. "Not everything has to be a fight, so stop trying to make it one. I think you're wrong to push him this hard, this soon after…after what happened. Give him some time to absorb everything first."

"Aw, wasn't that a nice little speech on Trowa's behalf? If we leave him alone, he's not going to deal with it. We both know that."

"How do we know, Duo? Just because he isn't the type to talk about personal things doesn't mean that he'll pretend that it never happened. You need to give him a little more credit than that."

I shrug my shoulders noncommittally. Heero is right, but my gut is telling me that I need to keep a careful eye on Trowa. Now, on the surface my two partners may seem cold and unemotional, and there are times when they can be, but since I've been living with them, I've learned all of their indicators. Trowa can be more outwardly expressive than Heero at times, but I've learned that Heero is the one who will open up quicker if pressed. For all his focused determination, Heero can be quite gentle and compassionate. I did get to see some of that in his room yesterday when we…er, made out. Trowa, on the other hand, well, I've seen just about every side there is to that boy, and he is very passionate, about lots of stuff. Its just that he's had to keep it all inside and to himself so he has trouble showing, or should I say sharing, it with anyone. Fear of rejection? Possibly, but I've watched him struggle with himself when we were alone, and I think he is honestly scared of revealing too much of himself. I've seen this behavior before. Hell, I was the poster child for it years ago. You don't grow up on the streets and not learn right away that knowledge is power, and whatever knowledge someone has on you can and most definitely will be used against you. Trowa learned that lesson too, and it looks like he learned it the hard way.

Heero pulls out one of the kitchen chairs. The long, soft scrape of the legs on the tiled floor punctuate the silence between us. He plops down into the seat with an exaggerated sigh. I reach over for my pack of cigarettes on the counter beside me. I shake one out of the pack and note that there are only four left. This is my last pack too.

"I'm not asking you to back off completely," he begins carefully. I pause in the motion of lighting the cigarette caught between my lips and glance up at him. "It's just that we need to wait and see if there is going to be a problem before we start trying to fix it. He might surprise us, you know?"

I finish lighting the cigarette and take a long drag. "If we wait until he starts acting like there is a problem, then it's already too late, but I think I see your point. We'll see what the doctor says tomorrow at the check-up." Heero nods in agreement. "I also want to talk to the base shrink too and get her opinion. If they both are in agreement, then I'll back off, but I'll tell you right now, Heero, if they don't, I'm going in with everything I've got. I'm not loosing another one to-" I cut off abruptly when I realize what I almost let slip. Shit, that was stupid of me.

Heero's eyebrows are raised as he stares at me curiously. "Duo, what did you mean? Loose another to- _what?_"

Shit, shit, shit. I take another long drag and begin to pace. "Never mind, Heero, its just some old crap," I say in as casually as I can, waving my hand with the burning cigarette in his direction. See, Heero? No problems- please let it go. I feel his eyes following me as I walk back and forth in a cramped circle.

When he speaks again, Heero's voice is uncharacteristically hesitant. "What you said before…about being forced into things, does that mean that you were-"

"No," I interrupt sharply and give him a caustic, sidelong look. He sits up straighter, seemingly surprised by my reaction. Fuck. I take a long pull of the cig before I continue. "No, Heero, I wasn't raped, if that's what you were going to ask."

"But you've seen it happen to other people." It wasn't so much a question as it was a statement of fact. A too-fucking-astute observation, if you ask me. Heero scares me sometimes with how perceptive he can be. Maybe it's just a logical assumption, I don't know, but he's a better judge of character than people give him credit for.

"Yeah, I have. You don't grow up where I did and _not _see shit like that happen," I respond with a sarcastic snort. Heero looks at me, wide-eyed, not seeing any humor in that statement. Well, it's not that I find humor in it, but we all have our coping mechanisms, you know? If I didn't find a way to laugh about it, I'd probably scream myself mute. Heero still looks grim.

"Stuff like this happens a lot, doesn't it?" he asks, head down, but then he lifts his gaze and his eyes are imploring me for an answer. I rub the heel of my palm roughly against my forehead before I pull out the chair across from him and plop down into it.

"It happens more than people think. There is depravity everywhere; it's just that some places or people hide it better than others." I take another long drag and blow the smoke sideways out of my mouth. Heero's brow is furrowed. He's still struggling with something. "I stabbed a man who was raping a little girl once…first person I ever killed," I say suddenly, and quickly bring the cigarette up to my lips to cover the admission.

Heero's head snaps up, shocked, but curious. I don't like to talk about my past much, and this is something I've never even told Trowa. Not sure why I'm telling it now, but it feels right somehow.

"She couldn't have been more than six," I begin with a reverent tone. "Her mother was a junkie…left her at a homeless shelter one day and then disappeared for good. I guess she thought she could find her mother on her own…must have been on the streets for a few days before Solo found her. We took her in like we did any kid we came across, but she kept insisting that her mother was out there, waiting for her. She didn't want to give up hope, so during the day I would take her around the city to look. I figured she would give up eventually, but she never did. She took off by herself one day…"

I take another drag to steady myself. "I found her in an alley behind one of the local bars. These two fucks had dragged her right off the street in broad daylight and no one did a thing. I jabbed my switchblade into the neck of the one that was on her…the other one took off running…never thought that much blood could come out of one person." I take another hit and remember exactly why it is that I don't talk about my childhood that often. Fuck.

"I took her back to Solo. We did everything we could, but she started running a fever, and we couldn't get it to go down, no matter what medicine I stole for her. After a couple of days, we took her to the neighborhood clinic. We had to practically beg them to treat her, but it was too late by that point." I pause to swallow the grapefruit-sized lump in my throat.

"She died?" Heero asks, and I nod my head solemnly.

"Those two dregs of humanity tore up her insides something fierce and she developed a bad infection from it. She didn't last the night." I swipe a hand across my face. My eyes are burning with unshed tears. "Her name was Mary and she was a beautiful little girl," I say, almost as an afterthought. Heero gives me a sympathetic look, and thoughtfully remains quiet. There were many other Marys after that. I suppose that one stuck with me because it was my first kill. The first time a life ended at my hands, gushing blood like a geyser. Stuff like that stays with you, I guess.

"But why? Why would someone want to hurt Trowa or anyone else like…that? I don't understand," he says, shaking his head in what looks like denial. "I don't understand…" His voice trails off.

"I guess it's good that we don't. It means we don't think along those lines. We don't get off on other people's suffering." I reach behind me to grab the ashtray off the counter and tap my cigarette into it. The two of us sit silently for a few minutes. Heero stares down at his hands interlocked on the table in front of him and I puff away on my cigarette. I realize that I've been smoking like a chimney around him for the past day and he hasn't complained about it or even reacted to the second-hand smoke once. I usually try to be more considerate, but the past forty-eight hours have been one, long nicotine binge. I continue to smoke to occupy myself through another quiet spell. I guess I can understand how he feels. Heero is no stranger to violence, but up until now it was always a means to an end. He never _enjoyed _hurting anyone…though I think he enjoyed that sucker punch to my gut a little more than he should have. Still haven't gotten my payback on that one yet. I smirk to myself at that little memory.

"I think about it a lot," he tells me quietly. "I think about what I would have done if it were me on that table instead of him."

Yikes, how do I react to that little nugget of information? I stamp out the cigarette and push the ashtray to the side so I can lean forward onto the tabletop. "Why?" I ask simply. He looks up at me and sits back in the chair, arms wrapped around his midsection, not crossed, but hugging himself. Defensive posture. He pulled away when I advanced. Interesting.

"I can't imagine experiencing that once, let alone multiple times like Trowa has. But while it was happening, he was so calm…so _quiet._" Heero lapses back into silence again.

I let my brain chew on that for a moment. Heero would have gone down kicking and screaming right to the bitter end if the situation had been reversed. As morbid it is to think about it, Heero, having no experience with that type of intimate violence, would have been completely destroyed. And it sickens me to admit it, but given the situation, it was better that it was Trowa. God forgive me for thinking it, but Trowa at least had some way of disassociating himself from it, not that that is anything to be proud of. Maybe that's what Heero is having so much trouble reconciling. He told me that Trowa stayed silent through…everything. Well, until Heero blurted out that he loved him.

Fuck, what a mess. I'm just so goddamned tired of all this, and I know Heero is reaching out for some kind of reassurance, which is a complete mind-fuck in and of itself, but I don't know what to do. I wish I could say that I know what to do, but I haven't got a clue. Yes, I have borne witness to the atrocities of rape and its aftermath, but not one of those instances had a happy ending that I could take some comfort in right now. In fact, it's scaring the ever-loving shit out of me. I'm doing my best to not project those past experiences on the present, but it's hard, really hard.

I feel the weight of trying to carry my two friends bearing down on me, and my chest tightens in panic. I need to get away from this house for a little while to try and sort some of this out, and perhaps preserve what's left of my sanity at this point.

"I'm out of cigarettes," I announce as I stand up from the chair. "I'm going to go out to the store. Need anything?" He looks up at me, surprised momentarily, but then shakes his head in the negative. "I'll be back…" I drift off when I realize that I don't want to give a definitive timeframe on my return, I just want to go. "I'll be back later," I amend.

There is something in the way Heero stares at me that makes me think he wants to stop me from going. There is the slightest squinting of his eyes and tightening of his jaw. Like I said, I'm beginning to pick up on both his and Trowa's non-verbal cues. If he wants me to stay, he doesn't say it out loud. Instead, he gives me another nod.

"Right, then, I'll see you later," and I make my way out of the kitchen and into the foyer. I grab my keys off the small table and am out the door before anything can stop me. I slide behind the wheel of my truck and pull out of the driveway without so much as a glance at our house. It was the first place I ever truly felt was my home, and now I want nothing but to drive away from it as fast as possible. Once it's safely in my review mirror, do I give thought to my destination, and realize I have no idea where I'm heading.

TBC……

* * *

Don't worry, I'm not dead. Sorry for the long wait. Real life and two other stories have been occupying my time. I have a live journal now, so come and chat and prod for updates there, if you will. The address can be found on my bio. And now to thank the many patient fans out there: 

Fiery-icicles- I believe you have mentioned that before. Thank you for hanging in.

Avel- Sorry for the wait, and thank you for your continued interest in this story.

Pyrzm- Holy Crap! Thank you for taking the time to read and review this little story of mine. I've been following "Broken Warriors" like a fiend. Receiving a review from such a talent like you is an honor.

Ice-is-blue- As you know by know, he heard it all. Talking between all three? That's not going to happen for a bit, but thank you for reading and taking the time to review.

Sivy- I am trying to give this story a different look. I want to break through many, if not all, the clichés found in stories involving rape. Its been a challenge, but receiving reviews like yours make it worthwhile. Sorry it took so long.

Rose Fury- No need to hunt me down, I'm here. Don't worry, I won't be giving up on this fic anytime soon and I'll try to update more often. Thanks for your review.

Ishtaral- Thank you for your review.

Flipchick- To answer your question, Trowa was the only one tortured because their captors didn't have enough time to get to Heero before the rescue. Thanks for reading.

Yana- Thank you for the compliments. Writing Duo has been both easy and extremely difficult, if that makes any sense. All the boys are complex and I'm doing my best to be true to each one.

As always, many thanks go to my beta, Press. And of course, to everybody who is reading. Is everyone ready for Trowa's perspective? His interlude is coming up next time. See y'all then!


	16. Interlude Trowa

Hold Your Light- Interlude Trowa

A/N: This chapter contains descriptions of sexual abuse. Please do not read if you are sensitive to the subject matter. Trowa POV.

* * *

_It took so long to remember just what happened.  
I was so young and vestal then,  
You know it hurt me,  
But I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive  
Even if signs seem to tell me otherwise._

"Prison Sex"- Tool

* * *

"_Hey, boy. Working late?"_

_What do they want? The six of them crowd around my small work area. I stand up slowly. Something feels wrong. They haven't bothered with me for the two weeks since I came here. Why now?_

"_Why don't you take a break? Hang with us for a bit."_

"_Don't be shy, boy, come here. Now, there's no need to back away. Just come over here and we'll be real nice to you."_

_I smell alcohol. They've been drinking, but they don't look drunk. I'm filled with a sudden urge to be anywhere but here. They look like a pack of hungry dogs. One of them reaches out, presumably to touch my face, but I take a quick step back. When another one takes hold of my arm, I smash the wrench into his face and dash in the other direction._

"_Grab him! Don't let him get away!"_

"_Fuck! That little shit knocked out a tooth!"_

"_He sure is a quick bastard."_

_I climb up the suit I'd been working on hoping that I can make it up the catwalk and out of their reach. My hands are slick from the gears and it's hard for me to get a hold. One of them snags my ankle and yanks me back down. _

"_Heh, not so quick anymore."_

_A fist to my cheek, one to my gut and I crumble to the ground. They're on top of me before I can react…so heavy. I can't breathe. I claw at them, trying to fight back. They're hands are everywhere. Someone's boot heel is on the back of my neck. My hands are bound. I can't move…so heavy._

"_Where?"_

"_Bend him over the leg of that mobile suit."_

"_I don't know about this. I ain't no faggot."_

"_Trust me; your dick won't know the difference. It'll be tighter than any virgin girl you ever had."_

_The clothes are torn from my body. This is not happening. This is not happening. Horrible hands grabbing at me, spreading me open. _

"_Yeah, he's got a sweet, pink, little pussy."_

"_Not even a hair on him. I bet his balls haven't dropped yet."_

"_Grab me that goop they use to grease the gears. I don't want a dry fuck."_

_They don't even try to be gentle. God, this isn't happening. It takes three, hard, shoves before the first one is fully seated in my bowels. I scream incoherent, pleading things. I just want it to stop. I can't breathe. He's forcing the air out of my lungs with every thrust, ripping me in two, grunting rotgut whiskey breath into my ear. My stomach cramps powerfully as all my muscles try and force the intruder out. I'm going to be sick. This can't be happening._

"_Fuck, he's tight…so fucking tight.."_

"_Damn, this is the most noise I've heard him make. Get something to gag him with."_

**I don't want to remember this.**

"_I've got something to gag him with."_

_I can't fight them off. I'm not strong enough. The fingers pressing into the hinge of my jaw prevent me from biting down on the cock in my mouth. My eyes tear from the stench of sweat and poor hygiene. Another deep thrust and it triggers my gag reflex. I can't fight them off._

"_Aw, gross…the little shit just puked all over me. Now, suck on it right so that doesn't happen again."_

**I don't want to remember this.**

"_Holy shit, Bulldog, what the hell did you bite him for? Shit…never heard a scream like that before."_

"_Is it my turn yet? By the time it gets to me, he's gonna be all stretched out."_

"_That's it, boy, relax…enjoy the ride."_

"_He ain't responding. Is he even conscious?"_

"_Maybe this will wake him up."_

**I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER THIS!**

…

…

I scream something inarticulate as my body jolts into wakefulness. For a moment, I'm panicked, unable to recognize my surroundings. My eyes focus on the window opposite my bed and I remember that I am home; in the house I share with Duo and Heero. That thought doesn't comfort me though.

I can't seem to catch my breath. My lungs fight to fill with oxygen, but my ribs are an agony unto themselves and I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate. I try to be calm and will myself to relax through the stabbing pain so that my lungs can expand. My hands won't stop shaking and my heart is about to burst through my chest. Why? Why now? I need…I need…

"Duo?" I ask as I reach out unconsciously to the body beside me. My hand touches nothing but empty bed and cool sheets. That's right, he's not here. He'll never be here again because I said those horrible things to him. But it was for a good reason. I was becoming too dependent on him for…for everything it seems. It had to stop. I mean, he was going to loose interest eventually. I'll just be saving him the trouble. It's better this way.

My face is wet with tears, I notice, and I scrub them away angrily with the back of my hand. I just need to calm down and it'll pass. When I close my eyes, the room spins. I keep swallowing against the bile that has risen in my throat.

_Drink it all up, boy._

I can still taste the memory of my blood mixed with their semen. I curl into myself. I don't want to remember these things. I don't want to remember what I've done. I start to tremble. A cold sweat breaks out over my body. God, I think I'm going to be sick again.

Hey, I think we just found a new job for you, boy. Yeah…use your tongue some more…that's it. 

No more. I don't want to remember. My throat tightens and I know I'll never make it to the bathroom in time. Despite the pain, I pull my body upright and then fall hard onto my knees in front of the small waste pail beside the bed. One powerful heave and the meager contents of my stomach spill from my mouth. I cry out at the unbearable grinding of my broken ribs as my body locks and wrenches forward for another wave. The pail isn't deep enough and some of the vomit splashes back to hit me in the face. I cry out at the indignity of it all and begin to sob. I'm so fucking worthless. Why…why did this have to happen again? Why now?

When the gagging finally subsides, I fall back against my dresser, weak and spent. Each heaving, wheezing breath that I take is torture. It takes a huge effort just to bring my arm up to wipe my spittle-covered lips on my sleeve. I let the tears run down my cheeks.

I need to stop being so weak. I got past this before, and I can do it again. But that sadistic doctor was still alive. How could that be? My plan was perfect. But if the doctor made it, then it's possible that some of the others did too. Oh, God…what if _he's _still alive? Shit. He might be able to find out where I am. He might come for me.

"No…no, he has to be dead," I whisper, shaking my head in denial. "He has to…"

An icy shiver passes through my body, right through my very soul. Too many memories are fighting to resurface from the place I buried them long ago. Phantom hands touching, grabbing, hurting…crude voices murmuring perverted intentions in my ears. They overlap one another until it becomes a deafening roar, sapping my energy. I fall forward onto my knees and fold myself over them to cradle my head. Please, make it stop. I don't want to remember this.

I pound my fist against the deep pile carpet in futile anger, not caring that I feel the stitches on my back pull. This has been going on for two days. Every hour, it seems, another specter from my past comes back to haunt me, to remind me of what I used to be. And I don't want to remember. I no longer need to remember. That is not who I am anymore. I'm different now. I'm no longer the scrawny kid they used to torment.

_Damn it, boy, stop being so difficult. Don't make me have to use the belt again. Yeah…that's it…maybe I'll let you come this time. I'm your favorite, right, Nanashi? _

Stop it! I'm not going over this now. I don't want to think about this anymore. He can't be alive…he just can't. My pulse is racing. That insidious voice won't get out of my head. What happened to me this time was nothing compared to eight years ago. I can get through this. _Slow your breathing and calm down. Stop bringing up shit from the past._ I wish Duo were here with me. I don't want to admit it, but he helped. In many ways, he helped me forget.

I sit upright and grab the bedpost with my uninjured arm and pull my battered body to my feet. I have to stand still and wait for the room to stop moving as another wave of dizziness strikes. A few clumsy steps and I'm at the door to my room. When I open it, I almost expect to see Duo come tumbling in like before, but the hallway is empty and the house is quiet. I look to his room across the hall. The door is open. As I make my way over, I realize that I have no clue what I'm going to say to him. I'm not going to apologize. I meant everything I said. Well, I won't say anything, then. Just being around him will be enough to calm me down. We don't need to have a conversation. He'll probably tell me some corny joke like he always does when the silence drags on for too long. I do my best to ignore the little twinge of fondness in my chest at that thought.

But he's still going to want to know why I'm here. He'll probably know why I've come; he was always very perceptive when it came to that sort of thing. In the past he knew just the right amount of space or comfort I needed even if I didn't at the time. Then why the hell is he so hell-bent on making me relive every goddamned second of an experience I would just as soon like to forget? He talks a big game, but he doesn't know. He could never understand what I've been through in my life.

Duo's room is empty when I finally talk myself into crossing the threshold. It's still a mess, but all of the clothes are off the floor and his bed is stripped. He must still be downstairs doing laundry. That means I'll just have to go downstairs and find him. This actually works out better for me. I won't have to come up with an excuse. I can say I was getting a drink or something to eat. I turn back around and make my way down the stairs and through the living room to the kitchen. There is a quiet sort of rustling sound every few seconds. As I come to the doorway, I go stock still.

Heero is seated at the kitchen table, head bent low, long, shaggy bangs obscuring his face. He is scribbling furiously on a sheet of paper. He's incredibly focused on what he's doing because he hasn't heard my approach. My heart leaps into throat. I don't want to see him. I don't want to speak with him. Whereas Duo makes me forget, Heero makes me remember. He saw everything. He bore witness to my shame. I can't face him.

I try to back into the other room slowly so that I don't call attention to myself, but the second I move Heero's head snaps up. His eyes focus sharply on me, but then soften when he recognizes me.

"Oh, Trowa. Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

The pity oozing from his voice makes me want to puke again. I shake my head in the negative and remain where I am. "Duo?" I ask looking around the kitchen, my eyes going anywhere but on him.

"He, uh…went out for a bit. He'll be back later."

Absolutely not what I wanted-needed to hear at the moment. Duo's not here. Not here when I need him. I feel my stomach do a flip. Breathing becomes doubly hard once again. "Where?"

Heero eyes me suspiciously. "To get cigarettes…or so he says. I think he needed some space to think."

Think? Think about what? Okay, this is not what I want, but I'm going to have to play it cool and not let it show how much this is bothering me. I lean against the doorway as casually as I can and fold my arms loosely over my chest. If I bolt now, that will only make him more suspicious and he'd more than likely follow me.

"What are you doing?" I ask him. His eyes dart back down to the paper quickly and then back up to me. He looks a little uncertain, embarrassed even.

"I was sketching an idea I had for landscaping the backyard. I can't seem to get it right, though."

"Ah, I see. With all this free time, I guess it's a good idea to keep busy."

Heero dips his head in agreement, but when he speaks, his voice is dispassionate. "Yeah, I guess."

When I don't move from my spot, he cocks his head and regards me curiously. "Are you sure you don't need anything?" He rises slowly from the chair. "I can make you something to eat if you're hungry."

My immediate reaction is to back away, to put more space between us. It takes an effort greater than I'm willing to admit to not give in and do so. "No, I'm fine."

Heero turns around to the sink and begins to fill a glass with water. I take this opportunity to step over to the table to look at what he was drawing as he drinks quietly. I don't know what I'm expecting, but when I gaze down to the paper I'm immediately surprised at the detail. It's still roughly sketched with hard lines and shading, and he's gone so far as to draw each and every shrub, tree, and row of flowers pictured in his head. For some reason it's hard to imagine Heero doing anything this artistic. Well, that is unless, you find beauty in the way he handled a Gundam, but there are only a handful of people in the Earth Sphere who would think that…including myself.

"I can't decide if an azalea bush or honeysuckle would work better in the corner of the yard where Petra's puppy keeps digging under the fence."

"I know nothing of plants or flowers, sorry," I say as I look up at him. He's leaning against the counter, but I still take a step backwards. The table between us isn't enough of a barrier.

Heero gives a soft snort and shrugs. "Neither do I. I figured the best way to learn is to jump in with both feet."

"Yeah," I say through a sigh. "That sounds like you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

His tone is light, possibly bordering on joking, but with just enough of his natural gruffness to state his potential to be offended by the comment. I give him a noncommittal shrug and shift my weight to the other leg. "You always did like to do things on the fly."

"Nah, that's Duo's specialty," he says with a small smile.

"Yeah."

Another long, painfully awkward silence before I ask, "Did he say how long he was going to be?" I don't want to seem antsy, but from the way Heero's eyes narrow at me, I must.

He shakes his head and those shaggy bangs fall into his eyes. "I think he just wanted to get away for a while."

I snort derisively. "Typical Duo 'run and hide' mentality. When the problem gets too big, get the hell out." I immediately regret saying that out loud the second Heero's expression saddens.

"Is that what you think you are? A problem?"

I have to laugh at that. That was the last thing I expected him to say. "You're playing psychologist now?" His eyebrows go up. "No, I don't think of myself as a 'problem,' but it's clear that both of you do."

"Then you would be wrong. You're not a problem, but what you…ah…experienced is causing problems," he tells me evenly.

I find it amusing to watch the two of them skate around using the word "rape" like it's so terrible. "Look, it's not causing a problem for me. This crap that's going on now will pass and I'll move on with my life. You and Duo seem to want to wallow in this shit, not me."

"But Trowa-" he starts, and I cut him off immediately.

"But- nothing. Why is it such a hard concept to understand that I am not some emotional wreck because of this? I'm not a woman. You're not going to find me huddled in the shower, sobbing because my precious body has been violated. It's not going to happen, Heero, so leave it alone. In fact, I don't know why I'm standing here listening to this."

"Listen to wha- Trowa!"

I hear him call after me, but I pay it no mind and keep walking as fast as I can through the living room. He comes after me; of course, he can't let me have the last word, after all.

"Trowa wait…your back is bleeding."

That gets me to stop. Actually, that's probably the only thing that would have made me stop. From the serious tone in Heero's voice, I know that he's not talking about a little stain on the back of my shirt. I reach back, over my shoulder to press my palm over the wound there. The back of my shirt is damp. Last night, I patched myself up as best I could when I first ripped out the stitches, but it looks like I bled through the bandages. I slowly bring my hand back and look down at the red staining my fingers. It triggers something inside me. It's like someone flipped that long-forgotten switch I had buried to block out every horrible experience from my past, and it all comes flooding back. You see, ever since the amnesia my memory has been a tricky thing. On some level I know these things happened, but the details are sketchy, time's made them foggy, abstract feelings and emotions. Plus, it's in the past and I want to keep it there. It has no bearing on my future and it's…not who I am anymore. I don't need to think about them, so I don't. But this whole fucking disaster of a mission is bringing up unwanted memories.

_See, boy? This is what happens when you don't do what we tell you_. _We make you bleed. What? Still trying to be defiant? Give him another lash. You're bringing this on yourself, Nanashi. _

No, not now. I can't do this now. Not in front of Heero. My chest is tightening. Fuck, I can't breathe. I need to get upstairs. He can't see me like this again.

Ooh, that one had to hurt. You gonna cooperate now? That's a good boy. Take him to the Doc and get him cleaned up. Don't worry, boy…chicks like scars.

The maniacal laugher echoes in my ears. I…I've got to get out of here. As I stumble towards the stairs, my foot catches on the end table next to the couch and I fall. Instinctively, I throw out my elbow so that I don't land on my broken wrist, but I still skid across the rug with enough force to remove most of the skin in that area. The impact knocks out what little air I had left in my lungs and I hear myself making this pitiful squeaking sound as I try to replenish my oxygen supply. The intense, stabbing pain from my ribs paralyses any attempt I make.

"Shit, Trowa, are you okay?" Heero asks as he tries to help me up. I bat his hand away.

"Don't…t-touch…me," I try to say firmly, but it comes out as a wheeze. I begin to crawl on my hands and knees the rest of the way to the staircase, coughing and gasping.

Always were good on your knees, boy.

Where do you think you're going to run to, huh? You've got nowhere to go. Now, get over here and earn your keep.

Hands. I can feel those phantom hands all over me again. Hands that hurt, pulling my hair, pinning my arms…spreading my legs. Stop it, please. Leave me alone.

"Trowa?"

The hands are grabbing me, trying to hold me down. I scream and kick trying to get away. I'm so cold. It's so cold in here. I can't breathe. Please, just leave me alone. No more, I can't take anymore. I wish they would just kill me and be done with it. I don't want to live anymore.

Duo…where are you?

* * *

_Ah, Nanashi. It looks like they really worked you over this time. I keep telling them that if they play too rough, they'll end up breaking their toy. And we can't have that, can we? This group can't afford to lose the best mechanic we've had in a while. Oh well, let me get my suture kit. Oh, and Nanashi? This is going to hurt…a lot._

I rise to consciousness gradually, brought back by the growing intensity of pain throughout my entire body. I don't think there is any place on me that isn't feeling some sort of ache.

I open my eyes and realize that I'm lying face down on my bed. When did I come back up here? My eyes feel gummy and swollen. Shit, I must have been crying again, and in front of Heero to boot. I make a move to roll over when a hand presses down on my shoulder firmly. I freeze.

"Try not to move. I'm almost finished," Heero says quietly from beside me. I lift my head to look in his direction and can barely see him out of the corner of my eye. He is sitting on a chair that he pulled over to the side of the bed. I have to will myself to relax to let him finish. And despite my best effort not to, I shiver at his touch. The fact that I am also shirtless isn't sitting too well. That means I blacked out and Heero brought me up her and removed my shirt. These fucking lapses are leaving me too vulnerable. I need to get control over them.

He withdraws his hand and I feel a gentle prodding at the gash on my back. I hiss through my teeth as he squeezes the wound closed. It hurts, but pain is something I can deal with.

"Sorry," he apologizes quickly, but keeps going. "It's not that bad, but it needs to be re-stitched. The bandage you put on wasn't covering the area that reopened. That's why it bled right through your shirt. After I butterfly it, I can drive you to the hospital to have it-"

"No," I interrupt him sharply. I feel his hands stop moving. "We're going there tomorrow anyway. It can wait."

He exhales loudly to show that he's upset with my decision, but to his credit, he doesn't say anything. Heero works quickly and efficiently with practiced hands as we pass the next few minutes in silence. I have nothing to say to him. In fact, I wish he would leave me alone. I don't care if the injury becomes infected or if I bleed to death. I just want to be left alone. Why in front of Heero? Why did all this have to happen in front of Heero? If I wasn't in so much pain right now, I think I might actually feel embarrassed, but right now all I can feel is an overwhelming sense of shame.

"Are you cold?" Heero asks. "You've got goose bumps. You we're complaining that you were cold before when you…uh…"

"Had a panic attack. Just say it, Heero. It wasn't my most shining moment, but it happened so you don't need to be so goddamned delicate." I push myself up onto my elbows so that I can turn my head to glare at him. He looks nervous and that pisses me off even more. I'm not a fucking basket case, nor am I a weakling, and the kid-glove treatment is getting on my last nerve.

"O-okay, I'm sorry," he says as he shrinks back into the chair.

I press my face into the pillow and scream. It's surprisingly cathartic, but not enough. "Stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry for," I tell him when I raise my head. He makes this noise like he's going to say something, but settles for sighing loudly again. I curl my legs under me and slowly push myself up into a seated position. Once again, Heero surprises me by not trying to help. I have to give an inward smile. Duo should take lessons from him, at least when it comes to this. Duo is far too touchy-feely sometimes.

"Heero," I begin calmly when I get myself comfortably situated against the pillows. As soon as he turns those sorrowful blue eyes in my direction, I loose whatever I was going to say.

"How can you say that?" he asks as he looks down at his hands. "This whole situation is my fault. I failed…the mission, you…everything."

Look out, incoming guilt trip at twelve o'clock. I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes. "We had bad information. It was a trap, we didn't know. You can't blame yourself for that. If that were the case, then I'm just as guilty as you are."

"But if I only…"

"If you only you what, Heero? Went in by yourself? The outcome would have probably been the same. They were waiting for us. It was an ambush, plain and simple. Then you would have had to face those two alone." At that comment his head snaps up and he looks at me wide-eyed and remorseful.

"That would have been better. I hate that I couldn't do anything for you. I would have traded places with you in a heartbeat, Trowa."

If I had been able to reach him before he reacted, I would have punched him. Instead I give him my iciest glare. "Don't you _ever _say that again. I don't want to hear you spout crap like that. That is an ordeal no one should ever have to go through."

He's quick to respond. "But you went through it. If Duo and the rescue team didn't get there when they did, I would have too."

"No," I shake my head adamantly. "Never. I would have never allowed that to happen. I knew how to keep them distracted. They would have never gotten around to you."

Heero sits back in the chair, clearly stunned at my words. "What?" he asks incredulously.

"It's not important," I mumble and look away.

"Because you've gone through this before," he states rather than asks. If I'm not mistaken, there is a hint of irritability in his voice.

"Yes, and I wasn't about to let it happen to a friend, okay?" I snap. "Not when there was something I could do about it." Great, that's all I need, is to have Heero feeling guilty over this.

"Well, that was a shitty way to handle things. I was really scared for you."

I stare at him in disbelief. There are tears in his eyes. Tears. He's on the verge of crying. I don't fucking believe this. I can't believe that this is the same person who stood in front of every member of the Noventa family and handed them a loaded gun. I was there, I watched every time he bowed his head and explained how he wronged them and that if they felt it necessary, to go ahead a put a bullet in his head in retribution. No. I can't deal with this now.

I lean back carefully against the pillows and cross my arms over my chest. "Well, tools were made to be used, right Heero? I did what I had to do."

His brows furrow and his mouth drops open in shock. It takes him a moment to compose himself before he rises slowly and steps away from the bed. "I'm going to leave you alone now. It's not the time to discuss this. Perhaps some other time will be better."

"There is never going to be a better time," I tell him coolly.

He sighs loudly as he opens my bedroom door. "I care about you, Trowa. I don't want to see you hurting, but that doesn't mean that I will just stand by and watch you intentionally do this to yourself. I meant what I said before. I'll leave if you think it will help."

"Because you love me, right?" I say with a sneer. His expression darkens a bit before he responds.

"Yes."

His voice is barely a whisper and the sincerity behind it stabs right into my heart. He can't love me…he just can't. I know what I have to do. I take a deep, calming breath and let the mask slide over my features.

"You just want to fuck me," I say with a snort. The look on his face is precious. I don't think I've ever seen that much emotion, not even when we were in that room two days ago. I roll onto my side and run my fingers along my collarbone in the most mockingly seductive way that I can. "That's right, isn't it Heero? You want to fill in for Duo? Want to help me fuck all the bad memories away? Come on then. In my condition, I'm hardly at match for your strength. You could easily-"

I cut myself off when I hear an odd creaking sound. The metal doorknob that Heero had been clutching is now crimped where his fingers had been. He looks down at the damage and then back to me. He looks like a lost child, so confused. His Adam's apple bobs visibly as he swallows hard.

It's obvious that he's doing his best to not react to what I just said. "Get some rest," he tells me, his voice hoarse with tears choked back. "I'll be downstairs if you need anything."

And with that he backs out of the room and closes the door behind him. Things will never be the same between us, and that is for the best. You shouldn't love me, Heero, no one should. I'll only hurt you in the end.

I curl my body into itself, hiding, blocking out the rest of the world. And I repeat lies over and over in my head in the hope that one day I'll be able to believe them.

TBC……..

* * *

Denial is not just a river in Egypt, folks. What I wanted to accomplish with this chapter is to give a small glimpse into what Trowa is experiencing, not retell the story up to this point from his POV. I doubt I'll revisit Trowa like this, but I wanted to have this one so that when he acts and reacts the way he does, there will be some insight as what he is actually going through. This was an incredibly difficult chapter for me. There is more information about that on my livejournal (address is on my bio) Take a look if you're interested. Leave a comment of you'd like. You don't need to be a member to do so. Anyway, thank you everyone for being patient through my long update spans. 

Avel- I hope I made you as equally happy with this update. You are very welcome, thanks for reviewing.

Ryoko21- Thank you for reviewing. It means a lot to me that you would take the time to do so.

MikaSamu- The whole point of this story is to document the aftereffects that rape has on the victim and those around them. I'm glad that you feel for these characters and I hope Trowa's interlude didn't disappoint.

Loz- Thank you for your review. I can't force people to leave reviews, but I am always overjoyed when someone does. The little details are the backbone of this story. Glad you are enjoying them.

Phoenix- Don't worry, I'm continuing this even if it kills me…and it just might. Sorry for the delay, but I do want to take my time and get everything right. Thanks for reviewing.

Shenlong- Thank you for your kind and thoughtful review. I am trying and its nice to know that you feel I'm accomplishing the reality of this story.

Solitaire- Thank you for your review. About the smoking…we'll see.

Pudding333- Duo and Heero are going to have a hell of time helping Trowa, especially when their own issues start coming into play. Thanks for reviewing.

Moon Dreamer- Well, it wasn't soon, was it? Sorry, but I hope you still enjoyed it. Thanks for reviewing.

Bombayoni- Greatest authors? Wow, thank you for such a nice compliment.

Much love to those out there reading who may have not reviewed. And as always, to my beta, Presser who helps polish these rough drafts into shiny gems. Next up, we find out what Duo's been up to.


	17. 17

Hold Your Light- Chapter 17

* * *

_But I'd trade it all_

_For just a little_

_Piece of mind_

"Pushit" -Tool

* * *

I take the last drag off my cigarette and stab it into the sand to extinguish it. There is a steadily growing collection of spent butts sticking out of the dirt at my side, like someone buried a psychedelic sea urchin there. I finished my last pack an hour or so ago and am well into the next one. I know I shouldn't be smoking this much. I know I should really be quitting, but I can't. This is the only thing I have right now that is keeping me from completely losing it and walking away for good. How am I supposed to deal with all this?

I can't deal with it. That's the only answer I've come up with so far. If I could, I wouldn't be sitting here on my ass watching the tide roll in. I just needed to get out of that house before I said something I would regret. It's bad enough I was having a confessional with Heero in the kitchen. But Trowa was right, he _is_ looking to me for all the answers and I don't have a clue as to what I can say to help him. Where is the person I can go to for all the answers? Who do I get to lean on when dealing with this shit gets to be too much?

"Why me?" I ask the rolling waves crashing into the surf. Why do I have to be the one that has to deal with this? I'm not qualified to deal with my own problems, let alone someone else's. I'm nineteen years old and I feel like I've lived a lifetime's worth of pain. Is it ever going to get better? I sigh heavily and punch my fist into the sand. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. Compared to what Heero and Trowa must be going through, I can't complain. But I'm so torn between staying here and helping them and hunting down those bastards behind all this and delivering some justice, Shinigami style. The thought of those motherfuckers roasting in the fire of a carefully controlled explosion puts an evil grin on my face. Or maybe I'll take them out one at a time. Sneak into their homes, catch them off guard and stick a knife in their windpipes real slow, and cut out their internal organs in alphabetical order…make them hurt. Maybe not today, but I will find them and they'll pay for hurting Trowa…they all will pay.

A mother with three children in tow walks up the dune towards the parking lot. She pauses momentarily when she sees me directly in her path and then ushers her children closer and steers them around me. Yeah, I probably do look like a scary, punk kid right now. Can't say that I blame her for not wanting to be anywhere near me. I wouldn't want to be near me, either. The sun is going down and the last of the beachgoers are heading home. Wish I could say that that's where I want to be heading too, but I can't. Now that I've been out for a few hours, it's that much harder to force myself to go back and face those two. What if I keep doing the wrong thing? I'll just be making it worse instead of better. I feel so powerless, and it makes me angry that there is nothing I can do. Why did Heero tell me to escape to the roof? Why didn't we stick together? I could have helped them…I could have stopped it from happening. Fucking idiot! Why?

I bury my face into my knees and curl into a tight ball. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. My eyes start burning. I squeeze them shut as tight as I can to prevent the tears. Why does this keep happening to me? Why is it that all the people I've given two shits about in this life end up dead or hurt while I can do nothing but watch it happen? A sob breaks free from my chest and that unleashes a torrent of hitched breaths, teetering on the edge of outright bawling. It's a good thing it's just the seagulls and me left on this part of the beach. It would be quite awkward to have witnesses to my second breakdown since this whole mess happened.

All that blood. When I first burst into that room, I thought for sure that Trowa was dead. He was so pale and still in Heero's arms…and all that blood. _Not again. _I remember thinking that. _Please God, not again. Don't take another one away from me. _It's all so vivid still and I seriously doubt I'll _ever_ be able to forget. The overwhelming metallic smell of blood was enough to make me gag, the gore under Heero's nails…I remember what the body looked like. Heero had clawed his fucking throat out and ripped open his chest cavity with his bare hands. Like an animal. And then to be holding Trowa so gently, it was surreal. I scrub the tears away with the back of my hands and inhale a deep, shaky breath.

After the whole Marimaia incident, Heero vowed that he would never kill again, and up until now, he hasn't. He came back every time with zero kills. Given the nature of most of our missions, I didn't think it was possible, but he managed it. The fact that this mission was enough to make him break such a precious vow is not only frightening on many levels, but it's also sad, really sad that he was forced to do it. And he did it with such over-the-top violence. Now, from the mission report and his own account, the general, the one who had actually raped Trowa, was killed by spinal cord separation at the base of his skull. Heero snapped his neck, he told me that himself. But there were no other signs of violence. He told me that the Doctor taunted him the whole time, telling him horrible things about happened to Trowa in the past. But what could have been said that would make Heero lose it and damn near tear the bastard limb from limb? Is he really unstable? The bruises on my arms give a sympathetic ache.

Fuck, I just want to crawl under my covers and hide away from the world right now. Let the professionals handle this. I'm no expert. I'll be as supportive as I can, but I'm going to have to back off for my own sanity. I guess it was wrong of me to push Trowa so hard. Damn it! I don't want to admit that Heero was right. Stuff like this just goes to his head. I can totally see that _I-told-you-so _look on his face. Despite the melancholy mood, I smile with genuine fondness in my heart. These guys are the closest friends I've had since Solo.

Well, I suppose I shouldn't be delaying the inevitable any longer. The sun is almost down and I have to go home eventually. I stand up and brush the sand off the seat of my jeans. With one last look to the brilliant orange-red sky and the rolling waves, I turn to walk back to the parking lot. Off in the distance I see headlights coming in my direction. Great…security. Well, I'm leaving. No need for them to come all the way over and bother me. As the car approaches, I notice it's not the make and model of the usual patrol cars. It kind of looks like- Wait! It can't be. Holy shit! It is.

I shake my head from side to side, laughing as Wufei pulls the sedan into the spot next to my truck.

"So, I'm about to walk out of my office," the Chinese boy tells me as he slams the car door shut and begins to walk towards me. His tie is loosened and his button-down shirt is rumpled. There are even a few strands of hair that have come loose from that tiny rat-tail and fall around his face. I can't remember the last time I've seen him so unkempt. "The only thing I have on my mind is going home, taking a shower, and eating my first decent meal in nearly forty-eight hours. I have my keys in hand and I'm literally at the threshold when my phone rings. I don't want to answer it, but something, some voice in the back of my head tells me that I should. So I pick it up. It's Heero."

He stops a few paces in front of me and I give him a guilty half-smile. He doesn't look amused. My eyes go down to our feet.

"He sounded…concerned," he continues. "He tells me that I need to come down here to Parking Field 8, close to the West Bath House, and make sure you're alright."

I'm a little surprised that Heero remembered my favorite beach spot. I only managed to drag the two of them down here once. Trowa was very nervous the entire time, constantly looking around. That, in turn, put Heero on edge. And believe me, two soldiers in ready-mode is enough to take all the fun out of anyone's day. Trowa refused to take off his shirt because of the scars on his back. Of course he didn't want it to seem like that was the reason, but I knew. We had been sleeping together for almost two months and had had sex about four times at that point. He had to know that I knew about them. Did he not want Heero to see them? In all the time that they spent together during the Eve Wars, there had to be a time when he saw him shirtless or when Trowa wasn't wearing one of those stupid turtleneck sweaters. His clown costume was sleeveless, wasn't it? Maybe the tension between the two of them goes back to the wars. Well, if there was tension, they had kept it hidden from everyone quite well all this time. I hadn't thought of that and part of me wishes I didn't just think of it now. I'm so tired of all this, I really am. "Look, Wufei, I'm sorry he made you come all the way down here. I-"

He raises his hand to signal me to shut up. "Are you alright?"

I sigh wearily and lean back against the front grill of my truck. "Yeah…I guess."

He gives me a disparaging once-over. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

_No, absolutely not. _"Who said anything happened? I just wanted some time by myself. Things have been a little…tense lately."

Wufei and I have never been what you would call close. Comrades, yes. Would I trust him to have my back in a fight? You beat your sweet ass I would. But we were never the type to kick back and drink a few beers after work. In fact, I'm not entirely sure that he drinks. Might be against his religion or something. Well, if you wanted to get technical, I really shouldn't be drinking either since I'm underage, but most places look the other way when I wave my Preventers badge in their face. And sometimes it's nice to be around other people in a social type of situation. I'm not a loner like my two housemates, content to stay home on a Friday night reading a book or creating the latest and greatest encryption code. I'm a people person.

"I don't doubt that," he replies with a soft snort, but then his features soften with worry. "Are they…I mean, have they…?" Wufei pauses momentarily to gather his thoughts. "_How_ are they? Heero sounded so…"

"Lost?" I supply for his uncharacteristic loss of words.

He nods slowly. "Yeah. It's not a tone I'm familiar with when dealing with him. I must say that I was completely caught off guard by it. That and the fact that he never asks for help unless it's something impossible were the motivating factors that got me here. I figured something major must be going on. So, what happened, Duo? Why did he call me and not come himself?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I guess he wanted to give me some time to be alone."

"Then he should have trusted you to come back in a reasonable amount of time. That doesn't explain why he felt someone should check on you. You weren't going to do something like hurt yourself, were you?"

My eyes go wide and I whip my head up to look him in the eye. "What? No! I just…I just couldn't take it anymore, so I got out of there for a little while."

"Couldn't take what, Duo?"

Oh no, I'm not falling for that one. It will take more than that to get me to open up,_ Agent Chang. _I roll my eyes at him. "Look, I'm fine. I'm not about to off myself or anything, so you can stop worrying, okay? Go home, get something to eat, and do whatever it is that you were planning. I was just about to go home now anyway." I walk around him to get into my truck and he turns in place to watch me, but doesn't make a move to stop me. No, he does something completely unexpected. When I open the door and slide behind the wheel, he scurries around the front of the pickup and jumps into the passenger seat. I grip the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white.

"Go home, Wufei," I say without looking at him.

"No."

"Yes. Go home. You can tell Heero that you did your civic duty and checked up on me."

"I'm still not going to leave."

I snap my head to look at him. "Look, do I have to forcibly remove you from this vehicle?"

He snorts condescendingly and crosses his arms over his chest. "You can try."

My brain processes the challenge within a nanosecond and reacts. The switchblade is out of its hiding place in my left boot and in my hand, ready. Now, I have no real intent here, just a little show of force, but with the speed of a hummingbird's wings, Wufei has me in a joint lock that shoots pain up to my shoulder. I swear I didn't even see him move. My fingers go numb and my grip falters. The knife drops to the seat, bounces once, and then falls to the floor with a dull thud.

"What the hell is the matter with you, Duo?" he yells.

I try to wrench my hand free, but he twists my wrist harder, putting more strain on my elbow. Any more pressure and it'll dislocate. I grit my teeth against the pain and look up into his intense black eyes and narrow my own. This battle of wills is far from over.

"Don't even think about it," he snaps, digging his thumb in once more and jerking my body forward to keep me off balance. I continue to thrash about; trying to roll myself in the direction he's bending my arm. A yell of frustration escapes my lips and I kick out my legs to push off the driver's side door and throw my full body weight into him. For a moment it works. Wufei falls back against the side of the car with a grunt, but when I try and free my arm, he renews his hold. Frantically, I keep pulling, trying to get away from him. I feel panicked all of a sudden; a fluttering in my chest makes my breath become short. A flashback. No, a memory. So distant and faded like an old photograph at first and then suddenly alive in full Technicolor glory. Of hands. Hands restraining, holding me back, keeping me from something.

"Stop it, Duo! Just stop it."

And to my surprise, I do.

"It's not me you're angry with," he says softer and loosens his hold. When I don't make any further attempts, he lets go completely.

I slink back to my side of the car, ashamed at my actions. What the fuck _is _wrong with me? I just attacked a close friend, and for what?

"God, I'm sorry, Wufei. I…I…"

I have no explanation for my actions, at least, none that will satisfy either of us. Wufei bends down to retrieve my blade off the floor. Without looking at me, he folds it and sticks it into the pocket of his pants.

"You ready to tell me what happened?" he asks, giving me a sidelong glance. I slump in my seat.

No, I'm so unbelievably not ready to tell him anything. How can I try to make him understand what has me completely baffled? But after I take a deep breath, the words start pouring out of my mouth and I tell him everything. I tell him about the mission, where we went wrong, Trowa's panic attacks and general attitude since coming home, Heero's confusion and anger issues, and my own feelings of helplessness. I start rambling on about my childhood and why I can understand what Trowa must be feeling. It sounds incoherent to my own ears, but Wufei remains quiet and listens to me unload. I end up telling him about the non-relationship I had going on with Trowa before I can stop myself.

When I finally come up for air, some time later, the sun is almost completely gone and I feel drained of all energy. Man, I need a drink. I have the worst cottonmouth. I shyly look over to my right. Wufei looks…well, considering everything I just told him, he looks like he's taking it pretty well.

"I had no idea," he whispers, eyes widened.

"About anything in particular or all of it?"

"That you were…" Wufei trails off looking thoroughly embarrassed.

"Gay?" I answer for him. He shrinks into the seat a little more. "Out of everything I just said that was the one thing you focused on?"

"No!" he quickly admonishes, turning towards me. "I didn't mean it like that. I mean, yeah it's a little shocking. I thought you had something going on with Hilde or did at one point."

"Well, we kind of did for a little while, but it didn't work out the way either of us wanted it to. So, we split ways. I still see her once in a while, but not like the way it was. We're just friends now." I look down at my lap. "The thing with Trowa is more…complicated."

Boy is that the biggest understatement of the year. But it's the truth. My breakup with Hilde was nothing like this. She was looking for a different type of relationship than I was. It wasn't like she was trying to force me into marriage or anything, but she wanted something out of me that I just couldn't, or wouldn't, give. So, after we had the same fight a thousand times about my _issues_, I decided it was best if I sold her my half of the salvage business and moved on. But seeing her now isn't the same anymore, and that makes me a little sad. She was a really good friend, but when she looks at me now it's with different eyes.

"I see," Wufei comments blandly and shifts in his seat a bit. "But doesn't that make you bisexual?"

"I guess it does," I say through a dry laugh.

He pauses for a moment, seemingly thinking hard about something. I can tell the subject matter is making him very uncomfortable. Though, if I were in his shoes I suppose it would be a kick in the head to find out that your teammates were sleeping with each other. I watch as he brings his hand up to his face and presses his thumb and middle finger into either side of his temple. It's the first time I notice just how exhausted he looks.

"You just get back from that Europa 3 mission?" I ask.

He shakes his head slowly. "No, got back from that the day before yesterday," he answers, letting his hand drop away from his face.

"What time?"

Wufei gives me a confused look. "I delivered my report to Une at 14:30 hours, why?"

"I'm just curious about why you didn't bother to check on us. The search and rescue team was back at HQ by 12:00."

He takes a second to process that statement before narrowing those obsidian eyes at me. "What exactly are you trying to imply, Maxwell?"

I shrug. "Nothing…just thought you would've gone to see them by now."

Bingo. He makes this quick, choking noise in an aborted attempt give an excuse, but I know the real reason. I jam my hand into the pocket of my jeans and pull out the pack of cigarettes.

"Duo, it's not what you think," he tells me as he watches me light up. "I thought you were quitting."

I take a long drag and then blow the smoke out the open window because I'm a considerate guy. It takes a concerted effort to not let that last remark rile me, but I swear to god, the next person that makes a comment about me smoking is going to get smacked in the mouth.

"I did," I tell him blandly, "but I've come to the conclusion that if I quit now I might go ape-shit and think that drinking a bottle of ammonia is a good idea. So, for now, I'm on the fast-track to lung cancer." I bring the cigarette up to my mouth with dramatic flair and take a drag to punctuate that statement.

"You're not going to kill yourself."

The confidence in Wufei's voice makes me throw my head back in laughter. "Oh? And you're so certain of this?" This time I purposely blow the smoke in his direction. He coughs a few times and glowers at me through the haze.

"Yes, I am. You may 'run and hide' but you'll never leave a friend in need." I stare at him in disbelief. Wufei fidgets uncomfortably for a moment before adding, "And put that disgusting thing out. Unlike you, I enjoy my lungs very much."

"Alright, alright," I acquiesce and take a final drag before tossing the butt out the window. I'm feeling this irrational anger boiling in my stomach. You know the kind I'm talking about. It's the kind that makes you do and say stupid things without putting too much thought behind it.

"So what's the reason why you've been avoiding us? I can pretty much guess why everyone else is, but I want to hear your reason." It's after the words leave my lips that I realize that I'm pissed off at the man sitting next to me and I'm not entirely sure I know the reason why.

Wufei clicks his tongue loudly. "God, you're dense sometimes," he retorts to my semi-insult. "Is that what you think of me? Do you really think I would do that?"

I give him another shrug. "Didn't see you around guess I figured you weren't there. But now you tell me that you were. So, I guess I'm wondering why _I_ was alone with Trowa the whole time. Why_ I_ was the one keeping him calm so that he could be sedated and didn't try to kill the doctors that were attempting to put him back together."

Oh, he looks pissed. His jaw is clenched and his fingers are fisted onto the hem of his Preventer-issue khaki pants. I can't wait to hear the condescending lecture I've just brought on myself.

"Duo," he begins calmly, but very restrained. "I told you, it's not what you think. If I could have been there, I would've been."

"Fuck that! If you really wanted to be there then you would have been…if not for Trowa, then for me. I could have used some support." The last part comes out as a breathy whisper and the sheer desperation in it embarrasses me. I scrub the heels of my palms into my eyes as the tears begin to burn their way to the surface once again. Not here. I can't lose it in front of Wufei. But what the fuck could have been more important than coming to see his two friends who had just been put through twenty-four hours of hell?

"I'm sorry, Duo," he says softly. I look over at him. He has his head down, staring at his hands. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you…or them, but…" He drifts off for a moment and then sighs tiredly. "When I got back to HQ, Une was waiting for me. She filled me in on what happened and then asked me for a favor."

I watch as his face contorts into a grimace. It's not his usual, or should I say, familiar scowl. No, this look speaks of pain, and I'm not talking about the physical kind. What the hell did that crazy bitch ask him to do? And for him to be this tight-lipped about it, it must be bad. The butterflies are slam-dancing inside my stomach.

"She asked me to review the footage taken from the surveillance cameras. All fourteen hours of it. I had to extract any part that might further the investigation."

He looks up at me then, eyes watering, and I can do nothing but stare back. Wufei saw it all. He knows what really happened in that room. And I'd be lying if I said that didn't bother me, but sitting here, looking at the toll it's obviously taken on the man next to me, makes me a little scared.

"Duo, we've seen a lot in our short lives, haven't we?" I nod slowly. "Never in my life have I seen such…such despicable cruelty." He stops speaking, shaking his head in refusal.

I want to ask. The logical part of me is agreeing with my more morbid side and they both want to know what happened down to every last, gruesome detail.

"Don't ask because I'm not going to tell you," he says just as I was about to open my mouth. When did he become psychic?

"Why?" I ask him, indignant that he would only tell me enough to pique my curiosity. He should know me better than that. "You read Heero's statement, and now having seen everything yourself, you know the wall of bullshit I'm up against. So, why won't you tell me what really happened? Tell me why Trowa can barely look Heero in the eye? And when he does…boy, you would think he had heat-vision. But all that aside, I think I deserve to know."

"Then you'll have to break into Une's office and steal it yourself, because I'm not going to tell you. That was the reason she picked me; she knew I would be discrete. And because I care about Heero and Trowa, I will not dishonor them by divulging what I've seen. If they want you to know, then they will have to be the ones to tell you."

Great, just fucking great. Is the whole world conspiring to keep me out of the loop?

"What was left out of Heero's report, Wufei?" I demand.

He narrows his eyes at me. "Like I said, I'm telling you that. But I will say this," he quickly adds before I can respond. "What happened in that room is something that altered both of them, probably for good. Whatever may have been between them before is…damaged now."

"No shit, Sherlock. Of course this is going to affect them for the rest of their lives. You don't get raped and wake up a few months later and find that everything is miraculously all better. And you don't watch your best friend get raped in front of you and not carry that with you forever."

Wufei slouches into the seat a little more. "I know that."

"Then you should also know that Trowa was tortured by those same fucks when he was just a kid." It's funny, I hear myself use the word _kid, _like I'm some old man, and like what happened to Trowa was so long ago. I'm barely an adult myself, but there are days where I feel positively ancient. Today is definitely one of those days.

"Yeah, I know that too."

"So, then what the fuck am I supposed to do!" Okay, so I'm yelling now. I'm also itching for another cigarette in the worst way. Why won't anyone tell me what happened?

Wufei starts a bit at the volume of my voice. He wants to get angry with me in the worst way. I can tell, but he's obviously holding back. "I don't know. I'm sorry that this has all been dumped in your lap, Duo."

Do my ears deceive me? Was that an apology? He fidgeting in his seat again and I bite my tongue against making a joke at his expense.

"After seeing what happened to them," he continues. "Une thought it was best that the situation be handled as discretely as possible. As soon as Trowa was given medical clearance, we had him discharged without the formal deposition and psych evaluation. I didn't agree with that decision, but she insisted that she wanted him to have a few days before the inquisition showed up. Remember those papers you signed at the hospital?"

I have to stop and backtrack my thoughts. Papers…yeah, I remember signing Trowa's discharge papers. There was a shit-load of them and I was completely exhausted. Thanks to all the immunizations and endurance boosters we Gundam pilots were given, Trowa was burning through the sedatives at a rate the doctors couldn't keep up with. He would wake every two hours, disoriented and violent. After he punched a nurse in the face and nearly broke all the fingers on the doctor's left hand, it was decided that he should be restrained. It almost killed me to see him tied to the bed like that, but it was best for everyone. I sat up with him the entire night trying to soothe him while he whimpered and moaned in fevered, restless sleep. By the next morning, I was barely functioning.

"Yeah, I remember. Why?" I answer cautiously.

"I guess you didn't look at them too closely."

Of course I didn't look at them closely. I was lucky I could still write my name at that point. I had the doctor in my ear going over Trowa's medication, warning signs I should watch for from the concussion. After ten minutes of _don't let him lie flat on his back, make sure not to get the sutures wet, change the dressing twice a day, watch for inflammation, infection, dizziness, nausea, fever, confusion, try to keep him immobile, don't let him lay all his body weight on his broken ribs, _and so onmy head was spinning by the end of it. I could have signed my soul over to the devil and wouldn't have known it.

Wufei pauses a moment to rub at his tired eyes before continuing. "You signed a MP-008." When I stare at him dumbly, he adds, "Military Protocol…section 008? Seriously, how did you graduate the academy?"

"My charming wit and dashing looks," I say dryly.

Wufei rolls his eyes. "You agreed to take full responsibility for Trowa pending his deposition and until Internal Affairs finish their investigation."

"I did _what?_"

The Chinese man exhales loudly in frustration. "The only reason he was allowed to leave the hospital without a formal debriefing and psychiatric evaluation was to place him under house arrest and into your custody with the stipulation that you would monitor him for any suspicious activity."

"Suspicious activity? I'm not spying on my friends, Wufei. If this is Une's idea of helping, then you can tell her to shove it. I'll resign before I turn snitch."

"No, no, that's not what she means," he quickly corrects. "Basically, all you have to do is keep tabs on where he is which, given his injuries, won't be hard to do and make sure he shows up for his official debriefing Monday morning. Think you can handle that?"

It's not a question of whether or not I can handle it. It's a question of why the hell am I the one who has to bear this all by myself? Despite my lingering anger, I still tell Wufei that it's not a problem. I'll make sure Trowa's gets there. If I didn't do it, then who would? I'm sure Une could appoint one of the cadets for this duty, but that's not an option. We're a family, and this situation will be handled without any outsiders.

"Look, 'Fei, it's getting late. Why don't you head home?"

He gives me an assessing look before inquiring, "You sure you're okay now?"

"Yeah, it's just that this is a lot to handle, ya know?" He gives me a nod and I know that he isn't just humoring me. This is a tough pill for everyone to swallow.

The passenger side door opens with a creak and Wufei slips from the seat. My eyes follow him as he walks around the front of my tuck and over to my window. "I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to, but if you need anything…anything at all, please call on me."

I respond with the conditioned _I will, _but I'm not sure how comfortable I feel about it. I don't know about Trowa, but Heero and Wufei get along well. Perhaps getting the two of them to spend some time together and out of the house might be good. I'll have to feel Heero out about that later. And as much as I know I can't possibly deal with all this on my own, the thought of asking for help makes my stomach tighten. Guess it's a pride thing. I give a slight dip of my head to acknowledge Wufei's offer and watch as he walks over to his car.

"Oh, I almost forgot this," the black-haired man says suddenly. He reaches into his pocket to retrieve my switchblade and casually tosses it over to me. I catch it one-handed.

I roll the blade in-between my fingers, so familiar with its weight and feel. I flick it open and then snap it closed. Man, I've had this knife forever. I bring up to my face for closer inspection. Most of the black lacquer has chipped off and it has its share of scratches, but the blade is still razor-sharp. I make sure to keep it like that…always. It was Solo's. He gave it to me a few months before he died. Guess he felt I was old enough. I remember the way he pulled it out of thin air, like a magician. I thought it was the coolest thing I'd ever seen. Well, at least until I learned all about slight-of-hand.

_/Here, kid, I want you to have this. Remember what I've taught you. Always run away if you can. But if there ever comes a time where you can't, then you'll have this. Only use it as a last resort when there is no other way. You got that, kid? Don't just go pulling a knife on someone because you think you're hot shit. I'll show you how to use it and then, maybe…if you're lucky, you'll be hot shit like me./ _

I still remember that cocky grin of his. He was a good friend to me long before I could truly appreciate what that meant exactly. I hear Wufei's engine cut on and I look down at the knife and then back over to my comrade.

"Hey, Wufei!" I call out to him. He looks over at me, a little startled. "That engine sounds like it's idling a little rough. When was the last time you had a tune-up?"

"It's been a while. I've been too busy," he answers and I can see the inquiry as to why written on his face. But then it dawns on him. "What time should I bring it over tomorrow?"

I smile. That's my boy. "Anytime in the afternoon, my friend. We'll be there."

He gives me a wave and then pulls out of the parking spot. I wait until the car is out of sight before starting up my truck. I can't say coming down here made me feel any better, but I did manage to sort things out a little. Maybe in time Trowa or Heero will feel comfortable telling me everything about what happened to them. And if not, maybe I'll figure out a way to deal with that. With a last breath of salty ocean air, I point my truck home.

TBC…..

* * *

Sorry for the long delay everyone! Even though the updates aren't coming along as quickly as I'd like, I'm not giving up on this story. 


	18. 18

Hold Your Light- Chapter 18

* * *

_I am too connected to you to  
Slip away, to fade away.  
Days away I still feel you  
Touching me, changing me,  
And considerately killing me._

"H."- Tool

* * *

It's well after nine o'clock when I pull into the driveway. The outside porch light is on, but the rest of the house looks dark. I look up to the second floor windows. Trowa's is the only one that overlooks the front lawn and even that one is black. I wonder if he's sleeping. I hope he is. He needs the rest badly.

I really hate that I have to psyche myself up to get out of the car and go inside, but I fear what may have happened while I was gone. Well, there's no use in delaying the inevitable. I slide out from behind the wheel and slam the door behind me. With any luck, Heero and Trowa stayed at opposite ends of the house.

I peak my head inside the foyer before I enter. The house is dead calm, but I can see that the kitchen light is on. I step inside, close and lock the front door. After I place my keys on the small table just inside the door, I enable the security system. I'm actually surprised that it wasn't done already. Heero is a little…paranoid about certain things, and the possibility of people walking into our house unannounced is one of them. Even though I told him that this is a nice, quiet neighborhood and people always knock first, he still insisted on getting it. Well, to be fair I would have insisted on one too, but it wasn't because I was leery of our neighbors the way Heero was. It was more for that little piece of mind that helps me sleep better. _Always secure your perimeter before bedding down._ That was one of the golden rules on the street, and something every good solider knows. So I guess I can't fault any of us for having these residual hang-ups.

The kitchen is empty when I enter. The chair closest to the sink is pulled out from under the table as though someone had been sitting there, but its occupant is nowhere to be found. There is a small sketchbook and a pencil lying across the open page. I look down at it and am amazed by an incredibly accurate rendering of our backyard as seen from the porch. Heero must have drawn it; it's too precise to be Trowa. And given Heero's need to keep himself busy, it makes more sense that he would plan out his strategy for landscaping the yard in detail. I sigh softly. Everything's always a mission with that one.

My ears pick up a muffled, repetitive clanking sound drifting up from the basement. I walk across the kitchen to open the basement door and the sound gets louder. I take the stairs down to find Heero in our makeshift gym, under the bench-press machine. He's pushing and pulling the bar up and down at a steady, yet forceful pace. The doctor did tell him to take it easy for the next few days, so he really shouldn't be using the heavy equipment. But getting a former Gundam pilot, especially this one, to laze about is as futile as trying to get a fish not to swim. And all things considered, he walked away from the whole ordeal with relatively minor physical injuries. He glances my way when I walk towards him, but doesn't break rhythm.

"So, you had to bother poor Wufei, huh?" I say as I stand at the foot of the machine. He pauses, arms extended straight out from his chest. I lean to the side a bit so I can see how much he's benching. Five hundred pounds. And he lifts it so effortlessly. It's hard to imagine his compact body being capable of such things, but it is. Amazing what a little bioengineering can do.

"I was worried. I didn't think you should be alone." He bends his arms and resumes the up and down motion. Right before I open my mouth to reply he adds, "And it's not because I thought you were going to kill yourself."

Damn, he took the words right out of my mouth. "Good to know and I appreciate your concern. Wufei, on the other hand, wasn't too thrilled." Heero gives me an inquisitive look and I give him a cheeky grin in return before turning around and walking into the laundry room.

"Was he really angry?" he pants, once again breaking his rhythm. He voice betrays a small measure of concern.

I turn around in the doorway. "Not too bad. You caught him just as he was heading home. He was a little miffed about that, but nothing I would call angry…or at least, Wufei-level angry."

That seemed to be a good enough answer for him because he continues his workout without further inquiry. I bend over and pull out the load of laundry from the dryer and toss the bundle into the basket. Kicking it to the side, I pick up Trowa's sheets off the floor and begin to douse the stains with ammonia. There is a little twinge in my stomach as I rub my thumb over one of the blotches. _Oh, Trowa…_

I have to blink back the tears that burn my eyes and threaten to run down my cheeks. I try to convince myself that the fumes from the ammonia are causing them, but it's useless. God, this is just tearing at my soul to constantly be in a flux between such profound misery and unfathomable rage. I want to hurt them for Trowa. I want to hurt them badly.

But I choke it all down because I know that feeling like this isn't doing anyone any good at the moment. Least of all me, but when that day comes, when I finally take my revenge, those motherfuckers will know that no one- _no one_ messes with Shinigami. I just have to bury it for now. I'll get my chance.

"Oh, before I forget," I call out to Heero as I close the lid on the washing machine, "Wufei is going to bring by his car for me to look at tomorrow." He doesn't acknowledge me, but I know he heard. The repetitive _swoosh, clack, swoosh, clack _continues. I pick up the laundry and balance it on my hip as I walk back into the main part of the basement. "He can also give you a hand with…whatever you're planning on in the backyard."

Again he doesn't say anything. I stand there and watch him for a moment, noticing for the first time the sheer determination in his eyes. Heero takes keeping in shape seriously, but not this seriously. His tank top is soaked with sweat. I'm not talking a little dampness around the collar and armpits here. The whole shirt is wet like someone threw a bucket of water on him. His long bangs are also plastered to his forehead and enough beads of moisture are rolling off his body to make small pools on the floor beside the bench. He's obviously been at this for a while. Something's wrong.

"Did something happen while I was gone?" I inquire carefully.

The weights on the machine crash together loudly as Heero lets go of the bar and sits up abruptly. Whoa, I'd say that's a big, "Yes." Without so much as a glance in my direction he stands up and walks over to the rack of free weights and picks up the towel draped there. He swipes it over his face and chest before turning to face me. His eyes are hidden behind his bangs.

"Trowa hates me."

He says it so blandly that it takes me a second to process. "No, he dos--" I cut the involuntary counter off in mid-sentence. Something is way off here. "Why do you say that? What happened?"

Heero's face becomes stony. He obviously doesn't want to talk about it. To be honest, I really don't want to, either. I just want to not deal with this whole disaster for a while. Is that so much to ask?

"What happened? And don't tell me 'nothing' or I'm going to kick your ass," I tell him as I pinch the bridge of my nose. I can't believe I'm pushing him on this, but something tells me that he really wants to vent about what went on while I was away.

He clenches his jaw; I drop my hand and see those stormy blue eyes weighing the options. Come on; just tell me already. The quicker we get this over with, the sooner I can go to sleep. With a sigh that seems to deflate his entire body, he says, "Trowa had another panic attack."

"And?"

"_And…_I tried to help him and he freaked." He sits down on the workout bench wearily and rests his elbows on his knees.

"So, that makes you think that he hates you?" I'm a little confused here. Trowa, in the midst of earlier attacks, freaked out on us both and didn't say anything about despising us.

"No," he replies to the floor.

I take a step closer. "Did he say that he hates you? Did the words 'I hate you, Heero' come out of his mouth?"

"No. He didn't have to say that for me to know."

I take another step closer. "Why not? What happened?"

He looks up at me through his bangs and then his eyes go back down to the floor. His shoulders tense as he takes a deep breath, holds it, and then lets it out slowly. I get the sudden feeling that whatever he's about to tell me is not going to be good.

"He came down looking for you about an hour after you left," he begins. "He seemed…troubled by the fact that you weren't here. I asked him if I could help with anything. I didn't want to push him, but he declined so, I let it drop. He was very antsy and wouldn't sit down. It was like he didn't want to get anywhere near me."

Okay, not too bad so far. This sounds like how Trowa's been acting all day, though, I wonder why he was looking for me. "Then what happened?" I ask.

"We had a fight, I guess."

"You guess? Either you did or you didn't."

"Then I guess we did," he says sullenly. "Anyway, after we exchanged some words, he stormed out of the kitchen. I followed him into the living room and noticed that his back was bleeding through his shirt."

I bring my both my hands up this time and tiredly rub at my eyes. "Yeah, he told me that he popped a few stitches overnight."

"So, I tell him this and he panics when he sees the blood. I mean really loses it, not like before, Duo. This was so much worse." Heero looks up at me, allowing me to see the usually tightly guarded fear in his eyes. Those blue eyes go distant as he continues. "He tried to run away from me, but he caught his foot on the end table and fell. Hard. I went to help him up and…he screamed and tried to crawl away. It was like he wasn't there. He wasn't seeing me or the room or anything anymore. He was so scared, Duo…so scared. I've never seen him like that before. Not even during…"

Ah, fuck.

"That was no panic attack, Heero," I say gently. "Trowa had a flashback."

He's trying to not let on how much this is bothering him. I can see it in his body language. It's the reason he was down here for god knows how long, trying to exercise -literally- the demons out of his body. Heero is trying to fall back into the training routine that gave him some amount of comfort before and during the wars. Arms, legs, pulse rate, extensions, contractions, these are all things he can control. It's got to be one hell of a shock for him to figure out that there won't be any solace in the pattern this time. Not for something like this.

"Scoot over a bit." He shifts over and I sit down on the narrow bench next to him. The sharp smell of sweat and deodorant emanating from his body is slightly distracting. He smells good, rugged. I'm surprised that I have to consciously direct my thoughts back to the matter at hand before I start thinking about walking down a road I don't think either of us should be traveling right now.

"The blood must have triggered a memory of his…um, past," I tell him. "You've had to have had that before, right? When you remember something that feels so strong, it's like you relive it?" He nods. "Shit, I must have relived the time when Trowa blew up Deathscythe like, a hundred times. It _still_ hurts to this day."

I get a small smile out of him for that one. Some strategically placed levity never fails to bring someone out of a funk. I guess Heero was feeling bad that he couldn't help Trowa more, or that Trowa got upset when he touched him. I'm pretty sure Heero's never had to deal with someone as, um, distraught as our lanky friend, so I can see how this would be upsetting to him. I suppose he took Trowa's reaction as a sign that he hated him for failing the mission. I've found that--

"He kept calling out for you."

Wait. What did he just say?

"Over and over," Heero whispers. "In-between the screaming and the begging, he kept calling your name, asking for you to help him."

I stare at him, wide-eyed and completely flabbergasted. Screaming and begging? My God, things just keep getting better and better. No wonder Heero is freaking out. Well, freaking out in his own Heero-like way, but I thought Trowa was angry with me for being too pushy and trying to meddle. Why would seek me out? Something must have happened after I left. And whatever it was appears to have been bad enough to trigger a doozy of a flashback.

"He did, did he?" I finally manage to say, even though my throat has gone dry. I get a curt nod in response. This had better not be some sort of jealousy thing. He'd better not be pissed at me just because Trowa wanted me in his moment of despair and not him. Because if he is, I'm going to…to-- I don't know, but petty jealousy is the last thing I need right now.

"So, what did you do, leave him on the floor, frothing at the mouth?"

"No, of course not," he replies warily to my snippy tone. I've just put him on the defensive. He leans away from me. "After he passed out, I carried him up to his room to treat the wound."

I am so not in the mood to be dealing with this right now. "And I bet he was pissy at you for that, too. Look, Heero, he's going to lash out as us because we're the nearest convenient target, so stop taking everything he says so personally. He doesn't really mean what he's saying. Just let it go. He doesn't hate you, alright?"

"But--"

"_But_ nothing," I interrupt. The sides of my head are beginning to throb. "He's just saying things that will make you angry because he's trying to push you away. Since we both agreed that we weren't going to push back, you need to drop this."

He sets his jaw and narrows his eyes at me. At this point, I don't want to know what Trowa said to him that got him so riled up. I'm sure it wasn't very nice, and I'm sure this won't be the last time Trowa scores a few hits, but we can't let them get to us. I swipe a hand through my bangs. Fuck, I need a cigarette.

"Work out whatever it is you need to work out down here," I say as I stand. "But don't take it upstairs with you. It won't do anyone any good."

"So, I'm just supposed to bury all this and pretend like what he did never happened?" Heero's voice is surprisingly petulant.

I bend down to pick up the basket of clothes before turning back to face him. "You know what, Heero? I don't have a fucking clue about what you should do. Maybe you should figure this one out on your own."

I turn around and head up the stairs before he has a chance to say anything. If I stay down there any longer, I'll just wind up taking my anger out on him. Heero's problems are just going to have to wait until tomorrow. I just want to go upstairs, have a smoke, make my bed, and get in it. I've had enough of dealing with other people's problems for today.

* * *

The door to Trowa's room is open as I pass by. All the lights are off and the room is quiet, but I can't help but think that it's some sort of invitation. Well, if it is, I'm not going to take it. The last thing I want right now is to have a run-in with him. I balance the basket on my hip while I reach inside my room and feel along the wall for the light switch. I step into my room only to find Trowa, sprawled out face first diagonally on my unmade bed. He's sound asleep.

Well, isn't this day just full of surprises?

I place the basket on the floor and kneel down next to the bed, close to Trowa's face. His breathing is deep and steady. It looks like he's out for the count.

"Trowa?" I say softly, trying to rouse him. He doesn't so much as flinch. I give his shoulder a light shake and still nothing. This is the sleep of the righteously exhausted. With the few hours he barely manages a night, I don't have the heart to wake him…even if he is in my bed.

"What am I going to do with you?" I sigh as I brush the bangs away from his face. "You have to make everything so difficult, don't you? I'm trying, I really am. I…I…just let me in once in a while, okay, Tro?"

I stare at his serene face, willing his subconscious mind to hear my plea. I rest my head on the mattress next to his, and listen to him breathe for a few minutes. If I close my eyes, I can almost fool myself into believing that the beatings and the rape didn't happen. It's just the two of us, dozing after a fantastic round of sex, enjoying the company without having to say a word. But the second I open my eyes, I see the bruises on Trowa's face and the gauze peaking out of the collar of his shirt and the fantasy shatters into a million pieces. It was so much easier before all this happened. Trowa and I could go on pretending, never asking the important questions. We could believe each other when we said it was only sex, that it didn't mean anything more, and we're just companions.

Why are you in my room, Trowa? Why were you seeking me out before?

It's kind of funny, less than two minutes ago I was ready to tear into the first person to cross my path, but now…now I just feel so goddamned helpless. What can I possibly do to help this wonderful person in front of me? I'm just an ex-street rat who happens to be a kick-ass pilot. I know about Vulcan engines and linear induction, but not this, not how to deal with this.

I pick up my comforter off the floor and carefully drape it over him. I'm sorry, Trowa. I'm sorry I can't be any better at this for you.

* * *

I turn on the radio to drown out the hum of the engine and the soft drone of the air-conditioning. The silence between the three of us was deafening. Heero gives me a sidelong look. Obviously my selection of a hard rock station is not meeting with his approval, but he doesn't say a word and turns his head to continue staring out the passenger side window. I shrug and keep driving. The skin on my bottom lip is getting a workout while I try to fend off the desire to smoke. I hope those two appreciate the stress I'm enduring for them.

It's been a painfully quiet morning so far. We haven't said much to each other since breakfast, not that that was a chatter-fest, but we're usually not this uncommunicative. A sharp gasp sounds from behind me as the truck hits a bump in the road. I can see Trowa in the rearview mirror. His eyes are squeezed shut and his jaw clenched against the pain. When it passes, he meets my eye and gives me a cool glare.

"Why don't you lie down across the seat?" I suggest.

Simply walking around the house makes his ribs ache. I can't imagine what this bumpy car ride must be like for him. He gives me another annoyed look, but slowly lowers his body to stretch out on the backseat. This is something new that I noticed this morning. Trowa has been acting…I'm not sure what to call it, but he's different from how he was yesterday. Nowhere near how he is normally, but _something_ is different. He's been doing everything I've told him to do.

Let me clarify what I mean. It's not like I'm ordering him around or making unreasonable demands, but all the petty things he was being so stubborn about yesterday he will now do at my request. He took his meds and ate a decent breakfast after I suggested it. He even let me take a look at the re-opened wound on his back without much coaxing. Oh, don't get me wrong, he wasn't happy about doing any of it and made that perfectly clear with his evil-eyed stares and huffy snorting. In fact, he's been quietly seething ever since he found me sleeping in his bed this morning.

But he's complied with everything I've requested so far. It's so tempting to bring up the subject of therapy again, but I don't want to press my luck.

I pull into the front entrance of the base hospital's medical office building and wait for the parking attendant to come over. Is it me, or is valet parking at a hospital strange? It just seems so out of place. Although, I guess the one place you want to be able to hop right out of your car at would be the hospital. I smile wryly at the vision of someone with a severed finger, driving around the lot, looking for a spot while bleeding profusely all over their car. Not a pretty sight.

The attendant hands me the voucher and I slide out from behind the wheel. Heero is already out of the car and holding the door open for Trowa as the injured man slowly crawls out of the backseat. Neither one is looking at the other. I just shake my head. It's like living with two children sometimes.

Trowa gives me a nasty look when I come up on his right side and take hold of his elbow to help him as we walk into the lobby of the building.

"I can walk," he growls under his breath.

"Yup, you sure can," I reply, still maintaining my grip. Trowa huffs again, but doesn't pull away. He knows as well as I do how shaky he is without a wall or a piece of furniture to steady him. Let him be pissed if he needs it to feel like less of an invalid.

The lobby is nothing more than a small foyer with two elevators and an entrance to the stairwell on the left. The walls are covered in large marble tiles with swirls of black, brown, and light grey. The floor is solid black marble and polished to the point that I can see my reflection in it. It looks like black ice on a frozen road and for I moment I think it might be slippery, but it isn't. Our sneakers squeak loudly in the small space though.

Heero checks the plaque on the wall to our right for our floors. "You guys are on six. I'm up on ten," he says softly as the elevator doors open.

I help Trowa shuffle into the car and let him lean against the back wall. Heero presses the buttons for each of our destinations, but keeps his back to us as the doors slide closed and the elevator begins to move.

"You nervous?" I ask him.

There is a slight pause before Heero answers. "A little. I've never been to a psychiatrist before."

In the reflection of the elevator's mirrored walls, I see Trowa glance over at Heero through his bangs. The elevator comes to a stop and the doors open before I can get a read on what that look could have possibly meant.

"Well, good luck," I tell him as I walk out after Trowa. "Don't tell her everything."

I meant that last part to be a joke, but the expression on Heero's face tells me it was taken as the opposite. My smile falters.

But Heero doesn't seem angry about the dig. He's…I'm not sure, hesitant about something. Those grey-blue eyes are intense and filled with an uncharacteristic longing. He places his hands over the track of the elevator doors to keep them from closing.

"Duo, can you-?" he starts, but then cuts himself off. He's eyes are still imploring, seeking the answer to an unasked question. Breaking the stare, his eyes track over to where Trowa is slowly walking against the wall and they soften slightly. "Never mind," he finally says and pulls back into the car to let the doors close.

I ponder the meaning of this while I sit in the cheerfully yellow waiting room with Trowa as we wait to be called. The smell of antiseptic and distress are heavy in the air. I can't for the life of me figure out what he was going to ask me. He wanted me to do something, but what?

It's been at least ten minutes since we sat down, and these chairs aren't exactly the most comfortable. Trowa can't even lean back because that will put pressure on both his ribs and the sutures. The poor guy has to lean sideways over the armrest of the adjacent chair and put weight on his good arm just to be able to sit. That's when I notice the new bandage taped to Trowa's elbow.

"What happened to your arm?" I ask with concern even though Heero already told me what happened.

"I fell," he wheezes. Ten minutes and he's still a little winded.

"Is it bad?"

He shakes his head. "Rug burn. My shirt was rubbing against it…got annoying, so I covered it."

I give him a sympathetic nod. "Heero said you were looking for me after I left. Did something happen?"

"No." His voice is tight like he's gritting his teeth. "It was nothing."

"Ah," I say and we lapse into another round of silence. I know he is expecting me to grill him about what happened, but I'm too tired to bother. Heero told me enough; no need to beat my head against the wall trying to drag it out of him.

When the nurse finally calls him in, I help Trowa stand and get his feet under him. He takes a few hesitant steps towards the door leading to the examination rooms and looses his balance. I'm by his side in a flash to steady him before he falls.

"Want me to walk with you?" I ask him softly. He nods. I can't see his eyes behind his long bangs and I'm sure that's intentional. He's trying to put forth a strong face.

We walk slowly, taking careful steps behind the nurse who doesn't bother to slow down for us. That pisses me off right away. It's obviously Trowa can't walk that well unassisted, and she doesn't care. The nurse, a middle-aged woman, leads us around the corner and down a short corridor from the waiting room. As we follow, I notice bad do-it-yourself highlights in her light brown hair.

"Here," she says, handing Trowa a small bundle wrapped in plastic. Her voice is high, nasal, and annoys me instantly. "Disrobe and put on this gown. I can assist you if you are unable to do it yourself."

All the color drains from Trowa's face. Whether he realizes it or not, he takes a step backwards into me. I take hold of his elbows to prevent him from tripping.

"It's okay," I intervene. "I'll help him."

Not bothering to wait for the nurse's reaction, I steer Trowa into the exam room. He makes it two steps into the room before he stops dead in his tracks.

"Trowa?" I inquire. His whole body is starting to shiver. Shit.

I walk around to stand in front of him. "It's okay; I'll help you. It's okay." I try to be reassuring, but he's not budging and he's not opening his eyes.

"…Can't…" he whispers so low that I can barely hear it.

"Yes, you can, Trowa. Come on, I'll help you." Taking hold of his hand, I try and pull him further into the room towards me. He's still resisting. God, did the nurse spook him that much? Or maybe he hates hospitals and clinics as much as I do.

"Is there a problem?" the nurse asks with an irritated tone. I give her a you've-got-to-be-kidding-me look over Trowa's shoulder and she cocks an eyebrow in response. I'm really starting to not like this woman. You would think that she would treat a rape victim with a little more tact. I'll bet anything that if Trowa were a girl, she'd be way more sensitive.

"Look," Bitch Nurse continues, unnecessarily sarcastic, "he can't stay in the doorway for the exam."

"Yeah, I got it," I snap back at her. Trowa flinches at my harsh tone. I really fucking hate that woman now for making me lose my cool like that. "Trowa, come on. It's okay. We need to come into the room so the doctor can examine you. Just a few more steps and we'll be in…side…" My voice drifts off as the realization hits me.

I twist my body around to take in the surroundings. It looks like any other exam room would. There's a cushioned adjustable table in the center of the room, cabinets of various medical supplies along the back wall, and other assorted pieces of equipment scattered about the room. The overhead lighting is harsh, but it's to be expected in a hospital. It was this generic similarity that made the parallels to _that _room so strong. Sure, there were huge, glaring differences, but there was just enough to have Trowa walking back through the gates of his own personal hell.

His body is completely rigid. I can feel the tension in every muscle when I place my hand on Trowa's upper arm. The slightest push could have knocked him over. His eyes move rapidly behind closed eyelids as if dreaming. Wherever he is now, it's not here.

"Open your eyes, Trowa," I demand softly and give him a light shake. He takes in a ragged breath and reaches out and grabs my shoulders suddenly, panting heavily. The neatly folded gown falls to the floor between us. I freeze, unsure how to react. His fingers tighten their hold, not painfully, but firmly, and Trowa leans down until our foreheads are almost touching.

"Open your eyes, Trowa. You're not there. You're not there anymore," I try again.

The nurse looks up from scribbling something in Trowa's chart and finally takes note of the situation. She makes a move towards us and I raise my hand to tell her to stop. If she touches him when he's like this, he'll freak for sure.

"What's the problem? Should I get security?" she asks. Now there is real concern in her voice. She thinks Trowa is trying to hurt me. I almost laugh out loud that the absurdity of that.

I wave her off. "No, don't. Its okay, he just-"

"I'm fine," Trowa interrupts softly as he lets go of me and backs off. "I'm sorry. I was…it took me by surprise."

"You sure you're all right?"

He gives a very slight nod in response. The nurse eyes us skeptically from the doorway.

"Help him change. I'll let the doctor know that you're here." And with that, she turns on her heel and exits the room. The two of us breathe sighs of relief at the same time and for a fraction of a second, the corner of Trowa's mouth twitches with a smile. I bend down and pick up the gown off the floor and follow Trowa behind the privacy screen.

His hands are shaking badly as he tries to unbutton his shirt.

"Relax. You can do this."

Trowa gives a frustrated sigh and lets his arms fall to the side. "I'm being stupid, aren't I? I…I…the two rooms don't even look alike. It shouldn't bother me…it shouldn't, but it does and I…I don't know."

"You don't have to justify it to me. I understand," I say as I brush his hands away and unbutton his shirt for him.

He remains silent save for a few grunts of pain, while I help him out of his clothes and into the flimsy, linen gown. It's open in the back with a tie at the neck and one at the middle of the back. I loosely tie the one at the neck. The doctor will most likely untie it anyway. I can't help the anger that rises once again at the sight of Trowa's battered body. The white gauze taped all over his back is a glaring reminder and far too much reality to be dealing with at the moment. I push away the selfish thoughts that seep into my consciousness and concentrate on Trowa and how he must feel so vulnerable right now. I know he's hyperaware of how others look at him in this state, but I've been bending over backwards to not pity him…or at least, show that I'm not. I can certainly empathize with the pain he's going through. We've all been injured at one time or another, but not like this. I can't let him see my reaction.

"Wounded dog, huh?" he says softly, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Wha…?"

He pulls the curtain back to reveal the rest of the exam room. When he looks back over his shoulder at me, the one eye visible from behind his hair is empty, hollow. He's got his game face on. This is no longer Trowa Barton- Preventer, friend, and partner standing in front of me. It's Pilot zero-three: _Nanashi_, or whatever persona he reverts back to when it's too much for him to bear. That mask of impassive indifference slips over his features and his lips become a grim line. It's chilling to watch.

"You don't know whether to shoot it or help it," he says as he turns away from me and walks over to the examining table. Stopping directly in front of it, he reaches out and runs his hands along the smooth, PVC cushioning. "I had a dog once," he begins, still turned away from me. "Found it injured on the road one day. Probably got into a fight with another dog--it was all chewed up. I brought it back to camp to treat its wounds. It really wasn't hurt that bad, but some of the wounds were becoming infected. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it. I just wanted to help it a little bit so I could let it go and it would be fine on its own. _They _found it and made me kill it anyway…said it was best to put it out of its misery. A stray dog with no master wouldn't last long, anyway. And so I did. I put a bullet into its skull."

Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Where did _that _come from? I don't know what's more horrifying, the story or the fact that his voice had little to no emotion when he told it. He turns around to face me, eyes surprisingly defiant, like he's challenging me. Is that what that little revelation was, a test? And you know something? I almost walked into it, too.

"Why did you tell me that, Trowa?" I ask, keeping my expression as schooled as I can. "Why now? Why here, of all places?"

His eyes widen a fraction, clearly caught off guard by my reaction, but he takes his time before coolly replying, "Why not?"

"Fair enough," I shrug, but I'm not done with him by a long shot. I cover the distance between us in a few strides and brace my hands against the table on either side of his body, effectively trapping him within the circle of my arms. I'm being very careful about not touching him, but I make sure to invade as much of his personal space as I can.

"What was its name, Trowa?"

"What?" he practically gasps, breathless like he was just running. He's got himself backed as far away from me as he possibly can.

"The dog, Trowa, what was its name?"

Names have a very special importance to Trowa. I once gave him a potted cactus as a joke. It was in a small, terra cotta pot with a gold lion painted on it. It immediately made me think of Trowa and the lions that he worked with at the circus, so I bought it for him. The way he reacted was…interesting. I don't think Trowa's received many presents before and certainly not any "just because." But after his initial skepticism passed, he cleared a spot on his desk and dubbed the cactus, Percival. When I inquired why he named it, he told me that he used to play a game with himself as a kid and would try to give a name to everything he owned. At the time, I remember thinking that there was something so profoundly sad about a nameless little kid who gave names to everything but himself.

We fucked twice that night. Part of me would like to maintain that it was because he felt we made some sort of connection, but my jaded side keeps telling me it was his way of thanking me. I never really gave it much thought until now. Beneath the surface, Trowa and I have much more in common than I ever thought.

"It didn't have a name," he tells me flatly.

"Bullshit."

If Percival the cactus got a name, then that dog did too. I lean in further, bringing my face up to his. He turns his head to the side, almost like he was baring his throat, and avoids my gaze. I'm amazed that he hasn't pushed, punched, or otherwise reacted to me getting up in his face like this. What is with him today? Why is he being so submissive?

The nurse with the sparkling bedside manner picks this moment to walk back into the room. I immediately take a step back from Trowa, face blushing with embarrassment. I can't look at her. She probably thought I was trying to kiss him.

"I need to take your blood pressure and temperature," she tells Trowa with cold efficiency. If she is surprised by what she saw, she doesn't show it. "Do you need assistance getting on the table?"

"No," Trowa replies, seemingly unaffected by the nurse's sudden appearance. Leaning his weight on his uninjured arm, he pulls himself onto the table with little more than a hop. I guess being tall does have some advantages. He sits quietly, staring down at the floor while she takes the readings and writes them down on his chart.

"The doctor will be in momentarily," she says and then exits the room.

I lean against the counter with my arms crossed over my chest and I watch him watch the floor. There has to be a reason he suddenly divulged a story like that. Trowa doesn't give anything away unless he wants you to know it. The question is, why did he want me to know that? What could his motivation possibly be? Because we have been intimate with each other, I can assume that I have a deeper bond of trust with him. Maybe? I sigh deeply. I just don't know anymore. This could be him reaching out for help, or it could be him pushing me away. Is this something I should even bother pursuing, or should I just leave it be?

"Milky," Trowa says quietly. I look over to him. He still has his head down, but he's turned towards me slightly and I see his expectant look through the strands of his hair.

"Milky? Milky…what?"

His mouth curves downwards into a frown. I guess I was supposed to know what that meant.

"The dog…her name was Milky. She was all white." His voice sounds so small, like a child's. The mask is slipping. This only proves that he is more devastated than Heero and I can possibly fathom. I have to tread carefully, not abuse the trust he's placed in me.

"Thank you, Trowa. Thank you for sharing that with me." He jerks his head up, eyes rounded in surprise by my gratitude. He doesn't need to say the words out loud for me to know the question. "I like knowing you," I say softly. "I like knowing all about you, even the bad things."

"But you can't-" he starts, but is cut off when the door to the room opens once again.

"Hello, Trowa," Dr. Suskind greets warmly. "You're looking much better since our last meeting. Wish I could say the same for you, Mr. Maxwell. Didn't I order you to get some sleep?"

"You did and it's Duo, remember?" I say with a smile as I reach out and shake his hand. Dr. Suskind, if I had to guess, was a thirty-something man. If he was older, he sure didn't look it. He didn't have that well-tanned, I-spend-my-free-time-on-the-golf-course-look that most doctors I've seen have. He was average height with a head full of black, curly hair and didn't have that clinically detached personality that made you feel more like an experiment than a person. The staff at the clinics on L2 always looked at us street kids with little more than distain. No wonder I have a lingering distrust of those in the medical profession. But not once while treating Trowa did Dr. Suskind lose his cool. He was calm and so very gentle with him despite the blind rages Trowa threw his way. That endeared me to him right away.

"Duo, if you wouldn't mind, I need you to step outside while I discuss a few things with Trowa."

That was unexpected, but understandable, doctor/patient privilege and all. "Yeah, sure, doc." I give Trowa a quick pat on the shoulder as I walk by. "I'll be right outside." Trowa grabs hold of my elbow as I start to walk away. What the…?

"He can stay," Trowa demands. It sounds controlled, and to anyone who didn't know him, they would believe it, but I hear desperation, and that is wildly unusual for him.

"You realize that we will be discussing your medical and personal history," the doctor says, apparently just as shocked by Trowa's reaction as I am.

Trowa looks at him and then shifts his eyes to me. "He can stay."

TBC…

* * *

Don't let Trowa fool you. He is very far from alright. Feedback is never demanded, but always appreciated. 


End file.
